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Mary Worth, 2/22/09

As if the sad outcome of all this weren’t being telegraphed obviously enough, we now have the “getting engaged far too soon” revelation, which surely presages disaster. But I’d like to pause for a moment to savor the sentence “Two months, half of the time online.” I don’t think anyone who met on a Web site dedicated to matchmaking (Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, Manhunt, etc.) would consider the pre-meeting exchange of information to constitute “dating”; obviously Ted and Adrian first encountered each other in some specialized online community (the Marcus Welby, M.D. fan boards, say, or pencilmoustachecare.com). Their love grew over a series of weeks in anguished discussion board posts, e-mails, and emoticon-laden chat sessions before one of them finally was able to fly across the country to meet the other in the flesh for the first time. Thus, Dr. Jeff is punching himself in the final panel not because he’s posing for his yearbook photo, but because he’s hoping the pain can distract him from the intrusive image of his daughter and some dude who looks like the Cary Grant’s romantic rival in some forgotten 1940s romantic comedy IMing each other while masturbating furiously.

Slylock Fox, 2/22/09

ANSWER: The lumberjacks may be bear-like things, but they drive a truck, operate power tools, work for a multinational timber-harvesting corporation, and otherwise participate in modern capitalist society. Brendan, meanwhile, is just an animal that lives in the forest and bites trees until they fall down. He has no property rights. I don’t care if he’s wearing a pink t-shirt.

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Marmaduke, 2/17/09

As regular readers of this blog know well, the overarching theme of Marmaduke is “Marmaduke is a terrifying predator who eats human flesh.” And yet, occasionally, we are given a glimpse of another narrative arc, namely “Marmaduke interacts with monstrous alien creatures.” Could it be that the devil-dog feels a certain sentimental instinct to keep those humans with whom he lives safe from extra-terrestrial assault? Or is he merely protecting his food supply from potential competitors?

Mary Worth, 2/17/09

So imagine that you’re bringing your new boyfriend out to dinner to meet your father for the first time. Which of the following scenarios would make the evening feel more like hell on earth?

• Your father rambles on passive-aggressively about how his awful girlfriend, who is sitting right there smirking, tore him away from the one thing that really mattered to him and broke his heart.
• Your father hits your new boyfriend up for a contribution to his pet charity.

Well, if you’re Adrian Corey, it looks like you won’t have to choose!

Apartment 3-G, 2/17/09

Appropriate response to Margo’s question: “Gee, I dunno; I think there are some Hot Pockets left in the freezer and there’s a Chinese delivery menu on the fridge. Gary and I are going to go to my bedroom and screw like bunnies now, so feel free to turn up the music if that’s going to bother you.”

Actual response to Margo’s question: “THAT WAS GARY WHO SIGHED AUDIBLY! NOT ME! GARY! oh my god oh my god don’t hurt me don’t hurt me…”

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My Cage, 2/16/09

So, here’s the thing: I got laid off from my last office job nearly nine years ago, started doing freelance editorial work to earn money until I got a new job, realized I could make a living doing freelance editorial work, and have worked at home ever since. This has dovetailed nicely with two key aspects of my personality, namely that I am (a) kind of a misanthropic shut-in and (b) kind of a slob. Why on earth would I want to earn money by shaving and showering and leaving the house, when I’d just have to interact with other humans when I got there? My wife pointed out a newspaper article to me recently about these nice people in Baltimore, who look like they have a great, fun community for freelancers that encourages collaboration and innovation and you would have force me at gunpoint to start going there to work.

But one thing I do have is some nice ties, and some fun shirts that I like and that would totally work as business casual when the weather’s nice. And yet I never get to wear the ties, except at weddings (and virtually all of our friends are married off now) and I don’t wear the shirts often enough, because, you know, if I’m just going to sit in my home office, wouldn’t it more appropriate to wear pajama pants and a ratty t-shirt I got from a trade show ten years ago?

This is just a roundabout way of saying that I kind of relate to Bridget and Norm here. If, by some catastrophe, I had to start leaving the house to earn my keep, the one thing that would stave off utter despair would be the idea of getting to wear some nice clothes once in a while. And even that would only last for a year, tops.

Mary Worth, 2/16/09

We’ve been denied the joys of a Chaterstone Pool Party the last several times Mary Worth plots have shifted gears, but at least we’ll get to spend the next who knows how long enjoying that terrific MW mainstay: The Incredibly Awkward Dinner! Nation’s Geography Magazine sounds like it’s an attempt to almost but not quite earn an angry lawsuit from the National Geographic Society, but I prefer to believe that it’s a more edgy publication that presents the sort of stories that the fuddy-duddies over at National Geographic would be too scared to run. “That’s right, Mary — I’ve seen some things you wouldn’t believe! I spent nine months with the Shining Path in the Peruvian jungle, where we lived in the ruins of Incan cities and tortured class enemies for their crimes against the proletariat. As for the year I spent in Bucharest with those child prostitutes — well, let’s just say I did some things I’m not proud of, but my editors understood my commitment to total immersion journalism.” Dr. Jeff, disgruntled that someone else is attempting to be the center of conversation, clumsily interrupts by boasting of his time in Southeast Asia; presumably Ted will respond with a charming series of anecdotes about burned villages and necklaces made of human ears.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/16/09

Rex spent most of Sunday insisting that June avoid the ship’s tap water due to the Norwalk outbreak raging onboard; apparently, though, the rest of the passengers are to be kept in the dark about this, which is probably OK as none of them are drinking water anyway. Still, I look forward to future installments in which Rex makes sure that his family gets first dibs on medicine and lifeboat space.

Spider-Man, 2/16/09

I’m no expert on the Spider-Man mythos, but my understanding is that when Aunt May is in trouble and wondering where Peter is as in panel three, he’s usually off fighting crime in his superhero persona, and not transparently using a disaster as an opportunity to get laid.

Judge Parker, 2/16/09

“There will only be one Judge Parker, dad! Because now, in accordance with ancient judicial tradition, I must ritually bludgeon you to death with your gavel, and then marry my own stepmother. Thanks for picking a second wife who’s more or less my age!”

Marmaduke, 2/16/09

You know, sometimes I think I’m done with “Marmaduke is a terrifying flesh-eating monster” jokes. But then I see panels like this.