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The Phantom, 6/4/08

So for the past few days, the Ghost-Who-Is-Pretty-Darn-Ripped and his wife have been strutting around in various states of undress on an abandoned oil platform somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico, for no reason that you need to worry your pretty little heads about other than that it provides an opportunity for hot superhero-on-diplomat action. This has no doubt been delightful to faithful reader Bootsy, who can’t get enough of that stripey, stripey ass. Today’s strip is particularly hilarious in the stripey ass department, as we see that the Phantom sleeps in his stripey briefs and purple tights, though he lets his manly, muscled (and, if the final panel is any indication, nippleless) torso breathe.

Mary Worth, 6/4/08

About a year ago, I was forced to contemplate a question: Is there anything more vile than watching Vera and Dr. Drew have phone sex on bland and hideously colored sheets? At the time, I said “no”, obviously, but I now know that watching Mary and Ron have phone sex on bright and hideously colored upholstery is worse. KEEP THOSE HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM, YOU TWO.

Crankshaft, 6/4/08

By the look of glum despair on the balding green-shirted dude’s face, I’m guessing that this isn’t the first Crankshaft trademarked misanthropic witticism he’s had to endure during his 40+ minute wait in the security line.

Apartment 3-G, 6/4/08

Oh, Alan! That’s not “petty cash,” that’s Margo’s coke fund. She likes the powdered stuff, because unlike you she is classy, but that doesn’t mean she won’t be assaulting you like a crazed basehead when she realizes what you’ve done.

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Wizard of Id, 6/3/08

This comic is, obviously, yet another in a long line of depressing “my ex-wife is a loathsome harridan, yet I once loved her ha ha ha I hate myself” jokes that have been providing the legacy comics industry with punchlines since no-fault divorce became widely available. However, I think it’s worth pointing out that the Wizard of Id takes place in some at least notionally medieval setting, where presumably witchcraft remains a viable folk tradition, so it sort of makes sense that a bookstore would have a whole section dedicated to it.

I also think it’s worth pointing out that the only bookstores I’ve ever seen that look like the one depicted here (low-slung, featureless, no windows, cheap sign) tended to specialize in porn.

Mary Worth, 6/2/08

I think that Toby has long considered herself Mary’s acolyte and Charterstone’s chief-meddler-in-waiting; now that Mary has been emotionally weakened, she smells blood and is trying to vault to alpha meddler status while the old queen is still alive. Naturally, she’s pretty terrible at it, even with the bar set as low as it is. “Wow, you just sort of broke up and are really mad at each other! Why not spend a bunch of time together, alone, in a strange place where you don’t know anybody else and have to rely on each other to figure out what to do?”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/2/08

In case you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned Rex Morgan in nearly a month, it’s because the strip has focused on the good doctor as he painstakingly pieces together the movements of a bunch of filthy old wrestling mats. Makes you wish for the profoundly uncomfortable glory days of implied pederasty, doesn’t it?

Judge Parker, 6/2/08

Your go-to move if you’re an old white lady caught in a major narcotics bust: blame a Mexican.

Marmaduke, 6/2/08

You can only repress your emetophagia for so long before it starts to come out, subconsciously.

(PS — COTWs tomorrow morning — sorry for the delay!)

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Mark Trail, 5/31/08

For those of you new to Mark Trail, that individual in panel two is Kelly Welly, the strip’s resident sexpot, who’s always trying seduce Mark away from his virtuous, ever-faithful wife Cherry. The fact that you’re supposed to be looking at that face and thinking “irresistible seductress” and not “fetal alcohol syndrome” tells you pretty much everything you need to know about the depiction of humans in this strip.

Naturally, when Kelly started talking about “filming” at Lost Forest that could net the big bucks, my mind immediately turned to pornography. My bet is that Kelly initially hoped to get Mark to star in her sexy wilderness production, Naughty Nature Lovers, with herself as both the auteur and female lead; Mark’s dogged professionalism would overcome is total asexual disinterest and finally lead him to give her the ravishing she’s been wanting for years. But with Mark out of the area, her Plan B is to make Cherry her star, and once Mark sees her naked (he hasn’t yet, obviously), their marriage will be destroyed, as he can’t deal with yucky girl parts.

Mary Worth, 5/31/08

Mary thought she was done with Jeff — but then she caught a glimpse of that Corey ass, the one that always keeps the ladies coming back.

Sally Forth, 5/31/08

New #1 on my list of incredibly creepy euphemisms for having sex that will ensure years of involuntary celibacy: “practice making a baby”.