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Mary Worth, 8/29/08

DEAR BELOVED,

GREETINGS! MY NAME IS ELEANOR PATTERSON, THE WIDOW OF JOSEPH PATTERSON, LATE CANADIAN MINISTER OF TRANSPORT, INFRASTRUCTURE AND COMMUNITIES. I HAVE ELECTED TO WRITE TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE OF GOOD HEART. PLEASE DO NOT BETRAY MY TRUST, EH?

BEFORE MY HUSBAND PASSED TO BE WITH GOD, HE WAS IN RECIPIENT OF OVER $1.2 MILLION CANADIAN OF FUNDS FOR THE NATIONAL RAILROAD CORPOROTIAN. WE ARE IN NEED TO HAVE THIS MONEY IN AN ACCOUNT IN OUR NAME IN THE UNITED STATES. IF YOU WOULD ALLOW US TO HOLD OUR FUNDS IN YOUR ACCOUNT TEMPORARILY, WE WOULD BE MOST GRACIOUSLY HAPPY AND WOULD ALLOW YOU TO KEEP 10 PERCENT FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

MY NEW SON-IN-LAW IS AN ACCOUNTANT AND WILL MAKE ALL THE NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS. WE HAVE ALREADY USED A NUMBER OF DONATED SERVICES FOR THE WEDDING TO LAUNDER SOME OF THIS MONEY, BUT THERE IS STILL MUCH MORE TO MAKE LEGAL. IF YOU ARE WILLING TO HELP US IN THIS ENDEVOUR, PLEASE SEND YOUR NAME, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TO ANTHONY CAINE, C/O GORDO’S WORLD O’ CARS AND CINNAMON BUNS, MILLBOROUGH, ONTARIO, 83Z YT2. PLEASE DO THIS QUICKLY AND WE WILL THROW IN SOME TIM HORTONS TIMBITS.

GO WITH GOD
ELLIE

Apartment 3-G, 8/29/08

What are we to make of Lu Ann’s two-timing? She has always struck me as too naive and open-hearted to cheat, but maybe she’s also too dumb to even realize what cheating is. “Alan, you don’t understand! Jack was just using his tongue to make sure I didn’t have any cavities in my molars. It’s so much more fun than going to the regular dentist!”

I love that Margo even sasses in her thought balloons. It’s good to keep in practice. I don’t for a minute buy the idea that sunshine could restore her spirits, however. I see her as the type who, when confronted with God’s honest daylight, hisses and covers her face with her hand, then scurries away into the nearest bar.

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Spider-Man, 8/28/08

Ah, the Spider-Man newspaper strip at its best: Peter Parker bursts into Jonah’s office full of righteous anger, only to have it quickly devolve into panic that his wife is a better photographer than he is and worry that his boss will find out he caught a minor and easily communicable ailment from him. The thought balloon in panel two promises a particularly delicious downward self-esteem spiral on Peter’s part in the coming weeks.

Mark Trail, 8/28/08

Those rocks may be too heavy to be wedged out by long sticks, but they’re surely no match for MARK’S FISTS!

Mary Worth, 8/28/08

“I don’t get it! I never use my card, except when I buy things!”

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Panel from Sally Forth, 8/24/08

If you squint very hard at this panel, you will see that Ted has in fact spent the better part of the afternoon reading this very site, and I must give a huge thanks to faithful reader and Sally Forth scribe Ces Marciuliano for the shout-out! This is the most explicit mention of this blog in a mainstream newspaper comic since Rick Detorie had me killed.

Ted’s sang-froid after spending many hours perusing this blog (and, presumably, the comments) proves that he doesn’t care a bit about all of the slurs on his masculinity. I’m not surprised he’s a fan, since my target demographic has always been the pop-culture-obsessed emotionally arrested man-child.

Panels from For Better Or For Worse, 8/24/08

The rest of today’s FBOFW was a nauseating vortex of schmaltz and teal, but, God help me, I actually laughed at this. John apparently has no interest in actually forming a personal relationship with Anthony (and really, who can blame him), but will be exploiting the marital tie to get services for free. If all the stuff that folks gave out of the goodness of their hearts for this wedding is any indication, this is actually the driving principle behind all Patterson social interaction.

Panels from Mary Worth, 8/24/08

“What’s the matter with me? I miss Ian already!” is perhaps the most cogent question that has ever been asked in this strip. And the second panel, in which our poor heroine realizes that she has betrayed the trophy wife code, and that her heart is being inexorably pulled down into her husband’s emotional gravity well, is definitely among this feature’s most harrowing moments.

Panel from the Phantom, 8/24/08

Criminals in Mawitaan had better watch out — when Black Orville Redenbacher is on the case!