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Blondie, 3/29/08

You know, if Blondie is going to make us endure this extremely blah gag, I think we should at least get to see a panicked Dagwood standing ankle-deep in raw sewage. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/29/08

Holy … crap! Is this the first time we’ve seen Hagar without his helmet? Please, let it be the last! He’s like a damn muppet under there.

Mary Worth, 3/29/08

“Actually, I don’t understand at all, but if I say I do, maybe you’ll shut the hell up. Seriously, stop talking, for Christ’s sake. And what the hell are you doing on my lap?”

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Momma, 3/28/08

Generally, I’m willing to let slide the fact that Momma’s title character is depicted as being roughly two feet tall; I chalk it up to artistic license, perhaps meant to metaphorically reflect the deep-seated feelings of personal inadequacies that drive her to her awful control-freakish extremes. But it’s harder to think of it that way when one of her normal-sized children, no doubt tired of waiting for her to toddle on her stumpy legs to Danny’s Place, simply picks her up and carries her. On the bright side, she probably weighs less than thirty pounds, so it won’t cost very much to get her good and drunk.

(Actually, Francis apparently just likes carrying inappropriate people to bars.)

Mary Worth, 3/28/08

That’s it? That’s the big flashback? Little Mary was poor, and her friend’s family was nice to her once, and then her mother remarried and all her problems were over? That’s crap. I’m disappointed in the strip, obviously, but I’m really mostly disappointed in myself, for thinking that this could be cool. As ever, I need to ratchet my expectations far downward.

It’s possible that this flashback has just served to set up the real story. Maybe in the present the older Cathy is down and out, and Mary will finally get to repay her parents’ kindness! Maybe she’ll have to journey to the hellscape that is the Downtown Women’s Shelter! Maybe … oh, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?

Shoe, 3/28/08

I have to admit that I laughed unironically at Shoe’s completely absurd punchline today. Kids, this is why you don’t want to strike up conversations with random old people! They’re demented, and many of them are angry!

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Archie, 3/25/08

Kudos to the AJGLU 3000 for not forcing the narrative in the first panel. The mere sight of the “Help Wanted” sign in Pop’s window is much subtler than what I’d have expected, which would have been Jughead staring at the “Help Wanted” sign while a light bulb (possibly hamburger shaped) went off over his head. Kudos too to our bleeping funny-bot for recognizing that the search for employment isn’t some smooth operation of soulless economic actors, but is rather layered with sarcasm and class-based resentment. Either that, or the AJGLU 3000 really thinks that hamburgers are a valid form of payment.

Crankshaft, 3/25/08

Crankshaft’s daughter and son-in-law are discussing the fact that their son — who is in his late teens or early 20s, and who I’m pretty sure is gainfully employed in some capacity — has decided to move into his own place. Naturally, their bleak, ashen faces in panel two make it look like he’s decided to sign up to be a suicide bomber — naturally, because this is the Funkiverse, where every little seemingly innocent decision has some kind of tragic downside, even if you can’t see it just yet.

Apartment 3-G, 3/25/08

When Margo hears “monastery,” she’s naturally anxious that her man might have done something terrible, like taking a vow of chastity or, worse, poverty. Obedience she could probably live with.

Mary Worth, 3/25/08

As young Mary prepares to fake her way through grace, we learn that her upbringing wasn’t just materially deprived — it was also spiritually empty! I know I should have long given up hope for this flashback sequence, but I admit to being excited to see just what life-changing event Mary is going to experience. Will she begin to speak in tongues, with “tongues” here meaning “bland platitudes”? Or will Cathy’s family’s prayer invoke the Holy Virgin Mary, and young Miss Worth will suddenly be filled with a new sense of her own power, as only she will be intercede for us at the hour of our death?

Dennis the Menace, 3/25/08

Ha ha! Dennis’s “field trip” is going to involve a lead pipe, a burlap sack, and a fast-moving river.