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Pluggers and Slylock Fox, 7/12/07

Pluggers are xenophobes. Hungry, hungry xenophobes.

I feel like there must be something of this dynamic going on in today’s Slylock Fox six differences, too. Why does Buzzy McFlatop harbor such simmering resentment towards the pizza delivery fellow? Presumably he rages inwardly because his children can’t get enough of that ethnic food imported to this great country by unwashed papist immigrants from the filthy Mediterranean countries. If only he could get decent, wholesome American fare delivered, like … um … venison? Turkey? I’m kind of at a loss.

Gil Thorp, 7/12/07

YEAH, BABY, I’M DIGGING MY GIL THORP SUMMER OF TOTAL INSANITY! Why won’t she give you a little kiss? Maybe it’s because she doesn’t feel like smooching the smooth, featureless skin on the front of your head, you no-faced freak. Fortunately, Walter Cronkite is here to come at you at a spatially baffling angle and smack you right in the spot where your mouth should be.

Blondie, 7/12/07

“Also, the front and the back are entirely different colors. Trust me, it’s all the rage this year. The Japanese have been wasting their time on lowering gas mileage, but Detroit’s been investing in the two-tone look.”

Mary Worth, 7/12/07

“Or, to put it another way, what can I do to you … with my penis? Wait, did I say that last part out loud?”

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Mark Trail, 7/8/07

Wait … a tree? A tree? You waste an entire Mark Trail Sunday strip on a tree? An admittedly freaky-looking tree, but still! The Mark Trail Sunday strips I know bring me wonderful visions, like flying jet-propelled squid and elephants throwing hapless souls across the savannah. This tree crap is weak. There could at least be some unnatural, horrifying beast lurking in the tree, like…

Mary Worth, 7/8/07

…there is in the next-to-last panel here! It’s a squirrel! It’s a possum! It’s a … small badger! It’s … well, I hope it’s going leap out of that tree and latch onto either Dawn or Drew’s face with its razor-sharp claws, if only to put an end to this awful flirting.

I’m assuming that someone over at Mary Worth central has been informed about the Grey’s Anatomy phenomenon, and “Dr. McHottie” is another misguided stab at topical relevance. I’m not sure if they didn’t just come out and say McDreamy because a team of King Features lawyers spent two to five billable hours in conference and ultimately urged them not to, or because they’ve never actually watched the show and just got it wrong. I will gain new respect for all involved if the latter turns out to be the case.

Panel from For Better Or For Worse, 7/8/07

I know that this panel is supposed to represent these jaunty young lads mooning the camera, no doubt the high point of the young foobs’ day at the beach, but it sure looks like April will be uploading a whole new set of pics to her teenage scat porn site this afternoon. For better!

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Apartment 3-G, 7/5/07

Oh, please, please, please let this be Lu Ann’s mother. Please. It only makes sense that Lu Ann’s wan, boring, unobtrusive personality grew up in the shadow of a larger-than-life southern belle, with her bright orange suit jackets and matching hair ribbons. It explains a lot, like why Lu Ann puts up with Margo’s constant stream of haughty abuse. Heck, if Lu Ann Senior and Margo start to bond, I will have officially died and gone to heaven.

Just because I like to make things even funnier in my mind, I’m imagining that Big Tipper is handing her cabbie a crisp dollar bill. “Now don’t spend it all in one place, sugar!” Of course, since the driver seems to be wearing an old-timey hat with a little button on it that presumably says “TAXI”, perhaps $1 does go pretty far back in his home decade.

Crankshaft, 7/5/07

Actually, from everything I’ve heard, the replacement of a brutal but essentially secular dictatorship with an elected coalition of religious-based political parties has resulted in Western dress becoming less common, not more, in Iraq. But if the Surge was abandoned and replaced with a strategy based on dressing Iraqis like the members of the Village People, the resulting political and diplomatic shitstorm would be 100 percent worth it, due to the extreme hilariousness that would result.

Mary Worth, 7/5/07

Dawn’s word balloon in panel two makes exactly zero sense. “I already wanted to study medicine — and now that I have made the entirely novel discovery that doctors are sometimes handsome, my choice becomes even more sensible!” Dawn, the more realistic attitude would be as follows: “Wait, I don’t have to go through the grueling process of earning a medical degree to net a doctor — there’s one standing right here in front of me! Now I can use the money Wilbur saved for tuition to help pay for the doves we’ll release at the end of our elaborate wedding ceremony!”

I know it’s impossible to tell from the Mary Worth art, which makes everyone looks like they’re in their 40s and it’s 1978, but anyone who’s gotten all the way through medical school and is now boasting at snoresville parties about being a doctor has got to be at minimum, what, 26? 27? FYI, kids: people in their late 20s who hit on college undergraduates = SKEEEEVY. I don’t want to see the funny pages lead a young generation astray on this.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 7/5/07

OH MY GOD FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLDS READ AND/OR SUBMIT ENTRIES TO TDIET EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT HOW THE UNIVERSE WORKS IS WRONG

I do have to say that Junior’s “Wha’-?” may be the most subtle expression of ironic bafflement in this feature’s history.