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Dick Tracy, 9/15/07

For Dick Tracy, killing the bad guys as quickly and gruesomely as possible is more important than preventing a rain of flaming helicopter wreckage from tumbling down onto unsuspecting Washingtonians.

B.C., 9/15/07

Someone on the B.C. writing staff had an unspeakably disturbing experience in a very strange hotel bathroom.

Hi and Lois, 9/15/07

Someone at the orgy Hi and Lois attended last night had a laughably tiny penis.

Marmaduke, 9/15/07

Marmaduke has tired of his family’s attempts to restrict his behavior, and has decided to blow them up.

Mary Worth, 9/15/07

Next week’s Mary Worth is going to be so, so awesome.

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Funky Winkerbean, 9/6/07

Yeah, Crazy Harry — smells like something crawled in there and died. But this is Funky Winkerbean, so it’s probably a puppy. Or your Mom.

Mary Worth, 9/6/07

Mary Worth is pushing this “lost in the funhouse” plot a little too literally. What’s that behind the glass in panel 2 — a leprechaun or a four-foot trophy?

Phantom, 9/5/07, 9/6/07

OK. “Tagger” Tendai wants to sit home and draw her dream hero, who will turn out to be the Phantom: “Then I woke up, and it was all reality!” Nice. But look at those locations: what is this, Westchester County, Africa?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Comic mockery takes character — the mental toughness to cackle at metastasis and ridicule heartbreak. That’s why we reserve special scorn for characters who surrender to mawkish sentimentality — as in today’s shameful display.

Mark Trail, 9/1/07

The more this Homer hangs around Shirley the Duck, the softer and balder he gets. On track toward the Omega Point of hairless virtue, he can face Mark without fear.

Mary Worth, 9/1/07

Introducing Playa Drew Corey’s Love Philosophy: “Let it Slide” — or, in his own taxonomy, “Let it Die.” Tell us how that works out for you, Drew, baby — we’ll be . . . waaaaaay over there. Oh, and Clambake called. He wants his hand back.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/1/07

Peter, you lame-ass. Make the evil-eye all you want, you are making coffee for your boss’s nanny. Got it? The Shocker would be ashamed — and that’s a looooong way down, pal!

Apartment 3G, 9/1/07

Who’s that gal muffin-toasting her new beau? Noooooooooo. . . .!

— Uncle Lumpy