Post Content

Kids, we have a number of ITEMS! for you to get through before we reach the beloved COTW, but I think you will find them worth your while!

First off, long-time readers of this blog are well-acquainted with The Fart Party, one of my favoritist Web comics. But for everyone who’s been all like “Man, reading stuff on the Web is for suckers,” now you can get the second volume in book form! Julia Wertz chronicles her happy-go-lucky drunken cheese-oriented self-loathing, for your entertainment! Buy it now if you know what’s good for you, sucka!

Also! Faithful reader McManx draws my attention to this image, recently added to Wikipedia’s Mary Worth article, from the cover of a 1956 comic book compilation of our favorite meddling biddy’s adventures:

So, first, yes, Mary Worth once had its own comic book, and was identified on the cover of said book as “One of America’s great newspaper comics,” despite which obviously false claim the Comics Code Authority still deigned to grant its seal of approval. But as McManx points out, isn’t there something familiar about this scene? Angry Mary … weeping dark-haired beauty with small scrap of paper, possibly with a phone number written on it … menacing stripe-shirted figure — good lord! Could the Charley-Delilah plotline be spooling out again, decades after its origin?

Also also! Have you ever said to yourself, “I wish there were a blog that does for terrible rock lyrics what Josh’s blog does for comics?” Well, now there is, in the form of Awesomely Bad Lyrics. Go forth and enjoy!

And finally! If you would like to help a blogger who’s blogging a blogathon for the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, check this out!

And now, after all that, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“What’s going on? What was that loud noise? And why is blood coming out of the front of your shirt? Are these two events related? Oh, how I wish Andy were here to explain this to me!” –buckyswife

And the runners up! Many funny ones, this week…

“Now that I’ve looked at it again, I’m thinking that the jack-in-the-box is just to get Ziggy on his back, from where he is unable to rise without help. Help which, one prays to god, is never forthcoming.” –Muffaroo

“Doesn’t this panel prove once and for all that Ziggy IS, in fact, wearing pants? Footie pajama pants, to be precise. So, now can we please stop worrying about getting a glimpse of his pudenda? And start worrying that maybe he has the kind with a flap in the back that could suffer a wardrobe malfunction at any moment?” –Brett

“Joey, those people you are involved with are gangsters … they will ruin us and the company if you don’t stop them now! So, quick, talk to Mark Trail, who I know as a person who takes photographs and emphasizes words peculiarly!” –Chip Whittle

“Funky Winkerbean: We put the ‘GI’ in ‘turgid’!” –Uncle Lumpy

“So as each Phantom is named Walker for ‘the ghost who walks,’ then each Judge is named Parker, for ‘the sexless lawyer who parks carelessly’?” –Ed Dravecky

“Brad’s flirting reminds me of a bad joke I will re-work: Q: What’s long and hard on Brad? A: The third grade.” –Rusty

“Brad, Brad, you degenerate cad! Don’t think I can’t follow your eyeline in panel one, mister! Did you really think you’d get away with eyeing Toni’s collarbone like that? Her eyes are up here, thankyouverymuch. And her eyebrows are way up here, kind of floating in the abyss. See ’em?” –Joe Blevins

“I don’t see how anyone can resent the years-long, go-nowhere sexy banter between Brad and Toni. I can only hope it continues for decades to come, finally leaving Brad an old man on an unrumpled deathbed, ruminating on the fact that in the heady rush of all the double entendres, he forgot to have sex.” –Dan

“Mommy gives me a bath by dropping me in the water and then leaving and passing out with a bottle of wine on the couch.” –Rob

“Is it just me, or are Wolverine’s mutton chops getting muttoner and muttoner by the day?” –Roto13

“MJ, on the other hand, will be pleased to discover that sex with Logan involves actual penile penetration, as opposed to Peter’s ejaculating onto webs and, after a lengthy courtship dance, furtively inserting his seldom-depicted pedipalps into her vagina before running away, lest she eat him.” –Comrade Denny

“The 7/16 Mary Worth is making me want to pull a 7/16 Trixie.” –KarMann

“Isn’t that Larry King, dressed like Colonel Sanders, speaking to Margo? Is that why she looks flustered? I know I would be.” –Jumper

“To Wolverine: Sorry bub, but in this strip, shiny blue hair that shapes your face like an autobot cannot compete with Peter Parker’s gay-Elvis forelock. Chinbeards only get lovin’ in Mary Worth.” –teddytoad

“1. Protagonist is introduced. 2. Protagonist’s trivial problem is revealed. 3. Problem is blown way the hell out of proportion. 4. Anvils — a lot of anvils — are dropped on protagonist. 5. Protagonist, having seen not only stars but also good sense, obligingly dances on strings held by soulless inhuman puppetmaster. 6-29. Pastel food montage. 30. Choose one: (i) pool party, (ii) fiery death.” –One-eyed Wolfdog, on how a typical Mary Worth plot could be fit into 30 panels

“I just assumed that all characters, not only the Alzheimy ones, wanted to escape RMMD.” –Anthony

“That’s the Alzheimer’s enclosure behind us! We call it ‘Charterstone’, and nearly every one of the residents wants to escape!” –Naked Bunny With A Whip

“Better Otto pondering the Bhagavad Gita than General Halftrack’s investigations into the Kama Sutra.” –zerowolf

“Is one of Wolverine’s mutant powers his utter lack of table manners? Maybe that’s why most ‘non-mutes’ shun him — no one wants to be sprayed with bits of food as he chops up his meat and stuffs it in his mouth with both hands. For MJ, of course, anything is a change for the better from Peter’s passive-aggression and prissy neuroses.” –Lawyerbob

“Peter would shoot his webbing to pick up his own food wad, but even that little bit of excitement would overwhelm him, and he’d need to lie down on the couch.” –Steve S

“I didn’t think Margo was necessarily against human happiness, per se. I always just assumed it failed to interest her, unless it affected her plans in some way.” –boojum

“The first Spider-man panel makes sense if you consider the context. Between MJ’s direct-to-video starlet lifestyle and Peter’s utterly gutless inability to stand up to Jameson (coupled with the proportionate photographic talent of a spider), the Parkers can only afford to eat at the worst restaurants in New York. Such eateries often have insufficient flatware sets during peak hours and the pork chops are so dry and underprepared that nothing short of unbreakable adamantium combat claws can cut through them.” –Birthmark Hal

“Your desperation has led you to forget everything you know of either seagulls or Marvin. Death pecking is not a possibility. A relentless diarrhetic war of pitiless, sphincterless attrition is indicated.” –Jp

“I just like that the assassin has remembered to wear blaze orange. Safety first!” –Orange Cactus

“It would seem that the sniper in Mark Trail is using some kind of Giant Word Gun, as it appears Joey Williams is actually being knocked over by the word ‘WHAM!’” –Digger

“I love how that second MW panel is labeled ‘Meanwhile’ but there’s nothing going on. ‘Meanwhile … Delilah exists.’ ‘Meanwhile … Delilah walks.’ ‘Meanwhile … bamboo slowly crowds out all other flora in Charterstone and begins plans to go after the fauna.'” –the angry black woman

“Mark Trail: even when a long-hair wants to go straight, he still has to die.” –Ktrout

“It is hard to watch Bill degenerate into senility, hollowly shouting disjointed passages from a comic book, insensible to the fact that his children have left his side long ago. His mental degeneration has progressed so aggressively that he is no longer able to support his family; poor Thel has obviously been forced in her middle age to moonlight as a hotel maid while nursing and patronizing her doddering husband. ‘HOW’S YOUR BOOK?'” –Greenbrastic

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

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• Meet your meat: Watch the video that shows what you’re really eating for dinner. Want fries with that? Watch Now!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

Post Content

Your comments of the week momentarily, but first: a couple of items for your attention! First of all, here is an intriguing note from Nevin Martell, who has a book coming out called Looking for Calvin and Hobbes: The Unconventional Story of Bill Watterson and his Revolutionary Comic Strip. Here’s an abridged version of the summary he sent me:

For ten years, between 1985 and 1995, Calvin and Hobbes was one the world’s most beloved comic strips. And then, on the last day of 1995, the strip ended. Its mercurial and reclusive creator, Bill Watterson, not only finished the strip but withdrew entirely from public life. There is no merchandising associated with Calvin and Hobbes: no movie franchise; no plush toys; no coffee mugs; no t-shirts (except a handful of illegal ones). There is only the strip itself, and the books in which it has been compiled — including The Complete Calvin and Hobbes: the heaviest book ever to hit the New York Times bestseller list.

In Looking for Calvin and Hobbes: The Unconventional Story of Bill Watterson and His Revolutionary Comic Strip, I trace the life and career of the extraordinary, influential, and intensely private man behind Calvin and Hobbes. With input from a wide range of artists and writers (including Dave Barry, Harvey Pekar, Jonathan Lethem, and Brad Bird) as well as some of Watterson’s closest friends and professional colleagues, this is as close as we’re ever likely to get to one of America’s most ingenious and intriguing figures — and a fascinating detective story, at the same time.

Your readers may also be interested to know that I interviewed almost 50 cartoonists for the project, including Berke Breathed (Bloom County/Opus/Outland), Jim Davis (Garfield), Lynn Johnston (For Better or For Worse), Nicholas Gurewitch (The Perry Bible Fellowship), Keith Knight (The Knight Life/K Chronicles), Bill Amend (Foxtrot), Mort Walker (Beetle Bailey), Stephan Pastis (Pearls Before Swine), Michael Jantze (The Norm), Mark Parisi (Off The Mark), Hilary Price (Rhymes With Orange), Dave Coverly (Speed Bump), Jan Eliot (Stone Soup), Jeff Smith (Bone), Brad Anderson (Marmaduke), Jef Mallett (Frazz), Mike Peters (Mother Goose & Grimm), Steve Troop (Mayberry Melonpool), Craig Thompson (Blankets), Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist Patrick Oliphant, Jim Borgman (Zits), Mark Tatulli (Lio) and Jim Meddick (Monty).

The reason I am passing this on is because there is a free something in it for you — send Nevin an e-mail at lookingforcalvinandhobbes@gmail.com and he’ll send you a PDF of his book’s first chapter! He promises to only use the e-mail addresses he so collects to keep folks updated on when the book is coming out and other information related specifically to that book.

Also of interest is this interview with Apartment 3-G scribe Margaret Shulock, in which, among other things, she wishes aloud that Margo could be allowed to curse in print.

And now … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“How ironic would it be if, one day, we really did get a glimpse of Ziggy’s junk and discovered it to be … the most breathtakingly beautiful, marvelous genitalia ever seen. Then wouldn’t we all feel well ashamed, boy howdy.” –teddytoad

And the runners-up! Also funny!

“I’m pretty sure that Mary is taking her new working gal out for a stroll — how else to explain Delilah’s outfit? Her expression shows her realization of every madame’s worst fear: that her best talent may be lured out of the business by the first smooth operator to come along who parts his hair down the middle.” –Packherd

“I don’t think Charley’s arm is drawn behind his back. I think the artist just forgot to extend it past his side. He just didn’t care. Nor should he. Nor should he.” –sarah

“It’s all so very absurd, and slightly annoying, which makes it all so Mary Worth and the reason I can’t stop reading Mary every ding dong day.” –Nurse with a penis

“If I had to choose the best aspect of Mary Worth, it would be the strip’s attention to subtlety and nuance. Take today’s suitor for Delilah’s attentions. All he needs is a handlebar mustache and he’s ready to head to the railroad tracks.” –Darkefang

“There’s something unseemly about Charley’s leer and the ‘um’ before ‘irreconcilable differences.’ It’s as if his next words are going to be, ‘Yeah, Dana’s vajayjay couldn’t reconcile my enormous schlong! Am I right, or am I right? Aw, c’mon Mrs. Worth, relax, I’m just joking. Or am I? Call me Del! Laters!'” –Old School Allie Cat

“What is causing Gil’s eyes to pop out like that? BLAM! Did Mr. Pearse whip out something that got Gil’s attention? And what was it? A wad of cash? A multi-colored business proposal? A bright, shiny object? Or just his dong.” –Uncle Jeff

“Neddy’s friend will be her lover, an improbably large-breasted Senegalese economics grad student. She will fit in seamlessly at the comic strip’s cocktail parties, able to wear revealing outfits and spout boring dialogue at the same time.” –Aviatrix

“I’m still trying to decide whether the placement of that stop sign is intentional. Has Crankshaft been circling the block for so long that the city council’s actually put up a sign to give him a hint?” –Brickers

“Did you know that if the local Rite Aid is out of your particular shade of Clairol, you can just break open a red Magic Marker and rub the spongy stuff inside directly on your hair?” –Joe Blevins

“It’s ironic that Gil Thorp is the first serial comic to come out and say, ‘The years do run together, don’t they,’ because it’s the only serial where the years DON’T run together. New sports seasons always bring new story lines like clockwork. You can use past Gil Thorp story lines like a calendar. When was my daughter born? I think it was when Coach Thorp was trying to convince Brent Raptor’s mom to let him go to college. Oh yeah, spring baseball season 2006! Now, Apt. 3G … there’s a strip that should state ‘The years do run together, don’t they?’ in a narration box at least once a week.” –Gordogato

“‘The county got a grant.’ ‘You mean money?’ ‘No, just … Grant. He can bat pretty well, though.'” –Chyron HR

“These are mostly kids who have never played before, so it won’t matter that your coaching consists of sitting in a lawn chair drinking booze from a thermos! We tried to get Clambake, but he’s batting coach for the Red Sox this season.” –AirForbes

“Careful, Mary; if you pull at Delilah any harder, her button’s going to pop, and I won’t be answerable for the consequences” –Pozzo

“Going to Mary for advice = Going to Charley for intimacy. It will be hard, fast, repetitive, and uncomfortable, but with any luck, there will be a pool party when you’re done.” –buckyswife

“Incidentally, if anyone deserves to be kept on at Dithers & Company, it’s the janitorial staff, who have given that floor a flawless mirror finish of the sort you usually only see in professional ice rinks or advertisements for very expensive car wax. And, digressing a bit, there are in fact car wax advertisements that are much funnier than this so I’m not entirely sure why I’m still staring at it as if it might undergo some mysterious internal process and emit a small, fleeting humor particle to reward my patient observation.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“I like the facial expressions that pass for ‘okay’ in the Funky universe.” –Carly

“I believe that of the torture methods used on prisoners of war, ‘sending you home to live out your miserable days in Westview until you get cancer and die’ has got to be the most effective.” –zooby

“Pluggers eschew all kinds of technology, preferring instead to glorify themselves in some kind of rural, pastoral aura. But then they turn around and gladly reap the benefits of advanced technology in the form of cutting-edge medications. Pluggers, you make me sick.” –Hogenmogen

“Many years ago, at my husband’s old job, one of his co-workers showed up one day in just his boxer shorts and undershirt. He had mental issues, and it appears he hadn’t taken his meds. So I don’t know if this makes that poor guy a plugger, for forgetting which meds to take, or Ziggy, for not wearing pants.” –Perky Bird

“The joke is actually on our anonymous prankster given that Ziggy’s suggestion was ‘please kill me.'” –Violet

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

• The Heretic: The truth is finally revealed!!! From his bloody campaigns and his great friendships to his erotic affairs, Aias was admired by Alexander the Great as his mentor, true friend and military hero. Even the women of Greece passionately adored him, but he was mysteriously removed from Alexander’s journal. Why?
• Meet your meat: Watch the video that shows what you’re really eating for dinner. Want fries with that? Watch Now!

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Post Content

OK, folks, this is something I’ve done every once in a while, but it’s been a while, so I might as well do it again! Have you ever read this site and thought to yourself, “The gentleman who writes this, he is clever and talented! I wonder if he would be willing to generate humorous material for my own enterprise, in exchange for money?” Well, the answer is: probably! Send me email at bio at jfruh dot com and I’m sure we can come to an equitable arrangement! (This note is going out to all readers but especially you kids at the Onion AV Club … yes, I have noticed your flirting with the very nice links; let’s talk, shall we?)

But perhaps you just read that previous paragraph and thought, “Oh, darn it, I have no budget for humorists! Worse still, I have this technical material that needs a good editing, and am eager to find someone to do so on a freelance basis!” Well, here too I am your man. Read my resume to see if we’ll be a good fit! (Hint: We will be.)

With that bit of self-promotion out of the way, I now have an item or two before we get all COTWy. First comes this pic, sent from faithful reader Doug, who notes that “Marmaduke has gone beyond middle America to ensnare hotel residents in York, England”:

I find it particularly funny that this used to be a four-star hotel but has since been demoted. Jeez, a few dozen guests get devoured in their beds and the ratings people really come down hard on you.

Also of potential interest is this collection of cartoon titles rendered as death metal logos, because why not. Thanks to faithful reader Black Dracula for the tip.

And now, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Wolverine is going to watch a Broadway show instead of getting plastered in Hell’s Kitchen and clawing up some gang members. Note to Spider-Man writers: He’s not actually Hugh Jackman.” –150

And the hilarious runners-up!

“MW: The Rodgers and Hammerstein line makes sense if you note the sarcastic grin on Mary’s face plus the way she’s gesturing to the two slices of white bread.” –Peter Hillock

“Crankshaft’s All-American Burger Marinade: One package of Beano, mixed in a half-pint of the tears of frustration from family members who have to endure you. Add 1/2 cup of vinegar, a vat of bile, a quart of bitters, and a cup of sour milk. Stir well, then dump the whole thing all over everyone’s hopes for just one family holiday that isn’t ruined by your angry, soul-crushing hatefulness.” –Bob Loblaw

“What in the name of all that is holy is that thing clinging to the top of Martin Magee’s head? By no universally accepted definition could it even come close to being called ‘hair’. I suggested a wad of hot buttered yak wool, but perhaps a live weasel or a dead polecat is glued to his bald pate. Maybe his toupee is cut from a bathroom shag carpet, or faux fur, created from the upholstery of an abandoned ’79 Camero low rider. Whatever it is, I’m amazed Margo hasn’t pulled it off his head in a fit of pique and shame. The only ugly Margo tolerates is her own diva fits.” –Islamorada Girl

“Marvin should be used in sex ed classes across the US.” –Carly

“Somewhere exactly between 9 Chickweed Lane and Luann is a set of comic characters with a healthy sex life.” –Mibbitmaker

“Mary Worth for some reason is resorting to Brooklyn Italian Hand Signals. Her hand is clearly referring to the heft of Delilah’s husband’s testicles: ‘What about THIS? If all else fails, what about THIS?'” –Jimmy

“From lumpy schlub to Duran Duran member in three days. How does your ‘theory’ of evolution explain that, huh?” –Chyron HR

“I like to think of those three speech balloons in the last Mark Trail panel as three unrelated statements from three different people in three separate buildings, a snapshot of the mundane moment right before Squirrelmageddon descended.” –Steve S

“The past few days of MW have sent me to the Internets twice in a desperate effort to find a good descriptor for the dialogue. I haven’t succeeded. What I want is a pungent adjective that means ‘stilted and also insane.'” –Poteet

“Billy has obviously either invented an invisible chair, or he’s doing some sort of complicated glute exercise, either of which is more productive than carrying a newspaper around and gesturing vaguely.” –imjaredlookout

“‘Sorry if we insulted just your intelligence.’ Really? That’s it? Damn. I was hoping more for a Lynn Johnson-esque ‘And so, Ed was taken home to his maker by the M-80 — not immediately, of course, but after months of painful operations, skin grafts, and experimental treatments. Pam and Jeff continued to find unhappiness in every minuscule and trivial aspect of life; Max eventually took up smoking at the age of 63; Mindy realized her dream as a pole-dancing librarian during her sophomore year at Kent State. Thanks so much to my readers — it has been an honor to bring slow, unrelenting death and suffering to your breakfast table for the past years. Beginning next week, I will re-draw the entire strip from start to finish with updated suffering scenarios reflecting the current knowledge base of horrible, horrible diseases.'” –blammers66

“I can think of about 30 daily comics that should always end with the line, ‘Sorry if we just insulted your intelligence.'” –survivor

“With Wolverine’s enhanced senses he should be able to tell Spider-Man is really Peter Parker by his scent. That is, if Wolverine has ever met Peter. Maybe Spiderman is worried that Wolverine will pick up his scent on MJ. ‘Sniff, sniff. Say, that actress smells of TV Guide and anxiety! Maybe she’s married to Spider-Man!'” –The Great Kazoo

“Waitaminute — Nora was married to Tim, and now her new boyfriend is named Tom? Do Shulock and Bolle think that the fact that all the guys look alike isn’t confusing enough on its own?” –AirForbes

“Mrs. Wilson looks awfully sly there. If she just pinned the blame for her fecal incontinence on Dennis, my respect for her now reaches almost as high as my suicidal tendencies due to thinking of this.” –Dragon of Life

“As usual, we can feel sorriest for PJ; carrying a miniature American flag the day after July 4 suggests that he is turning to patriotism as a substitute for the love his bullying, violent family won’t give him. At least he’ll have a weapon with which to defend himself against the ant attacks.” –Jaime Weinman

“Peter Parker is obviously off his nut, asking for double the fee for his photos while J. Jonah Jameson and Robbie have to share a single chair.” –Patrick

“J. Jonah Jameson is totally getting ripped off — by the time those double-priced still photos appear in his old-time newsy-paper, a high-def video of the entire fight will have been running on TMZ for more than a day. (For that matter, Doctor Octopus was probably live-tweeting the whole thing with one of his free arms.)” –BigTed

“Woo, Gil Thorp on Twitter! Hold onto your hats, folks, ’cause the #sexting hash tag just got a whole lot less interesting.” –Rachel K

“I remember when I first read a soap opera strip and asked myself ‘What, are they taking out the interesting parts on purpose?’ And now, today, Judge Parker comes and says once and for all that ‘Yes. Yes we are.'” –Black Drazon

“Cherry is going to a PTA meeting? We all know that Rusty is an autodidact in the School of Dumb Choices and Duck Photography.’ –buckyswife

“I have to say I find it strange that Gil Thorp, the strip that never introduced a character too peripheral to have a first and last name, uniform number, on-field position, and batting average, opts to leave out all the nonessential consonants in the word ‘knock.’ I suppose they just ran out of room, what with Gil’s monstrous paws and all.” –Mollie

“What I deduced from today’s fashion faux pas is that Mary’s powers, like those of the Green Lantern, are driven by her willpower and are ineffective against the colour yellow.” –Jilliterate

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

• Meet your meat: Watch the video that shows what you’re really eating for dinner. Want fries with that? Watch Now!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.