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Phantom, 11/3/20

My wife runs a lot of trainings for her job, which have predictably all become virtual trainings over the past six months, and her work sent her a handy little LED ring light to better illuminate her, but her home office is in the living room which gets great natural light and she doesn’t really need it, so it’s been repurposed for my Zoom comedy shows, which I run from my somewhat darker office. But what if we lived in a cave? What if we lived in a cave deep underground, with no natural light at all, but still had to do video calls for exposition purposes? Well, probably we would just get a normal set of lights that you would put in a house, since clearly the whole place is fully wired for electricity, but why not just set up a single theater-quality spotlight and point it directly at your head from like six feet away? The pros (long, moody shadows) surely outweighs the cons (profuse sweating).

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/3/20

“Oh, absolutely. Turns out caring for a bunch of sick, dying, highly infectious old people is a real drag. Plus that thing I heard on Facebook about doctors getting a bonus payment for every COVID patient was not true at all, and the CDC was extremely rude about it when I tried to invoice them.”

Family Circus, 11/3/20

Billy is so full of joy not because he gives a single shit about democracy, but because his teacher gave him such an incredibly easy assignment. What a dope! He’s gonna tape that thing up and not learn a damn thing, which is just how he likes it.

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The Phantom, 10/24/20

Next week: NEW ADVENTURE!!!! Hopefully its climax will be as exciting as this one: The Phantom dozing off while his wife natters on about the romantic destiny of her teen son and their daughter’s friend.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/20

Good news! Adeela was about to have her life destroyed by a terrible combination of bureaucratic incompetence and institutional cruelty, but then one of the formerly most powerful people in the world was convinced to make a phone call and it solved all her problems! Everyone who’s more than one degree of separation from a current or former political leader can go fuck themselves, though.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/20

I am not a parent, but I know enough parents to sometimes get a glimpse of why the Family Circus has historically been beloved among parents, and I truly admire today’s panel, which features Daddy having been pushed to a place in his life where he’s attempting to earnestly reason with a pre-verbal toddler.

Mary Worth, 10/24/20

[cackling evilly] YES … YES! … IT’S A THREE’S COMPANY-STYLE MISUNDERSTANDING … BUT WITH CRACK AND/OR METH!

Mark Trail, 10/24/20

Mark’s new assignment is sending him to Happy Trail Farms, and based on the last two panels here, my guess is that he escaped from there years ago after being grown there in a vat.

Crock, 10/24/20

Like, a significant portion of the time the jokes in Crock are pretty difficult to parse, and normally I’d complain, but today? When the joke is about how beloved character “Maggot” got horny at the movies? I appreciate this protective layer of obfuscation.

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Daddy Daze, 10/16/20

There’s a lot of mysteries about the Daddy Daze daddy and the Daddy Daze baby that keep all of us up at night– does the daddy have a job? Does the baby actually “say” or think the things that the daddy attributes to him, or is he a normal baby and the daddy is merely insane? — but you know who we don’t think a lot about? The Daddy Daze mommy. The backstory as descried by the syndicate is that the daddy is a “single dad who amicably shares custody of little Angus with ex-wife Amy.” But like … the baby is very little, right? Like less-than-a-year-old little, right? They’re divorced and their baby is less than a year old? That seems like a real mess! How amicable can it be, man? Anyway, my point is that “somehow got stuck on a see-saw” is not really a reason you want to have to call your ex, I don’t care how amicable it was when you broke up when she was pregnant.

The Phantom, 10/16/20

Ahh, now that Kadia has rejected her terrorism-tainted mother, the next step in the great Walker master plan is taking shape: bring back their teen son from Tibet and get them married! You don’t maintain a 22-generation superhero bloodline without a little strategic breeding, Kadia seems very imprinted on the Walkers, and Kit’s been in a monastery all this time and is probably pretty horny.