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The Phantom, 4/9/12

For those who came in late, that’s Phantom creator Lee Falk just stone cold chilling in first class, ready to lay down a little exposition, while the Ghost Who Is Cheap squeezes with his wards into a three-abreast row in coach. Of course, if you were the sort who needed a little Falkian guidance right about now, you’d probably also be baffled by this fellow hoisting his martini glass and saying “For those who came in late” without any context, but whatever. Lee Falk does not feel any obligation to hurry up and fit a complete sentence into this strip just to make it easier for people who aren’t paying adequate attention to his creation’s adventures. He’s just going to sip that fancy drink and tell you what’s what in his own sweet time, demonstrating the sort of cool sang-froid that ensured that airport security didn’t dare ask about his skull cane/bludgeon.

Apartment 3-G, 4/9/12

For once, I’m kind of thankful for the ongoing writer-artist estrangement at Apartment 3-G, which today has taken the form of “I never would’ve thought to choose this furniture, and if nobody’s going to describe it it’s sure as hell not going to get drawn, so let’s just stand here in front of this stepladder with no steps.” This way instead of whatever bland nursery accoutrements Margo probably got, I can imagine that a better and more interesting set of furniture lurks just below the bottom of the frame. “I never would’ve thought to buy baby furniture covered with rusty iron spikes, but if you say that it’ll toughen our son or daughter up for life in the big city, I’ll take your word for it!”

Marvin, 4/9/12

Are you worried that the jokes about Marvin pooping that you tune into Marvin for are going to be replaced by jokes about Bitsy farting? Don’t worry, we’ll be back to the Marvin-pooping content you love soon; the strip is just going to spend a few days setting up the new spin-off strip, Bitsy, which will focus exclusively on Bitsy farting. It’ll be hilarious!

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Mark Trail, 3/18/12

Yes, “… this monster will spend his remaining days in an eco-tourism park where he can be admired.” There’s so very much to admire about this ravenous ocean brute: his winning smile, obvious relish munching on that poor doomed zebra, determination to run down a tasty bird-snack, and handsome striped tail thrashing in anguish as strangely impassive villagers reel him in. Sure, maybe he can’t crush a turtle, but let’s not quibble.

So if you ever find yourself in the vast, impoverished marsh district 500 miles southeast of Manila, stop by and check in on our pal here — but if you do, take a Nature Tip from Mark Trail and stay indoors at all times. Seriously, you could get killed out there.

Blondie (panels), 3/18/12

Speaking of monsters, check out the Blondie-narwhal. Crocodiles of the deep, you have been warned! YOW!

Slylock Fox (panel), 3/18/12

Psst — the bird did it. Killed the fish, too! Ask the spider.

Heaven’s Love Thrift Shop, 3/18/12

My favorite parable is the one about the Unjust Steward (Luke 16:1–13), in the telling of which Jesus appears to endorse sharp dealing, hanging out with a bad crowd, and outright fraud. Its deeper message is that children of God should be as practical preparing for the Hereafter as children of mammon are for the Here and Now.

In this Sunday-only (natch) comic, child of God Dag is so mightily upset that his bosses (Wilson and Cassidy) think he should set out on his own that he threatens to, um, stay? Maybe a little more attention to the Things of This World wouldn’t be such a bad thing? Things like punchlines?

The Phantom, 3/18/12

It’s hard out here for a Nemesis. Injured during his botched Phantom-killing mission, Eric Sahara (The Nomad!) hitchhikes back to his jet and scuttles off to his ramshackle desert retreat — the one with the sharp left turn in the airstrip. Seriously, his badass predecessor Chatu would just be embarrassed.

Also: worst minion ever — Beast Man can breathe easy at last.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 2/2/12

I was going to make fun of Dan Diller for having a studio full of primitive, Eisenhower-era electronic equipment, but then I noticed that the UNIVAC I unit in the background seems to have sprouted a mechanical arm between panels one and two. “WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, FLESH-UNITS?” the vacuum-tube-controlled machine barked out, as its deadly new limb dealt out death to all biological life.

Beetle Bailey, 2/2/12

You know, much as I root with varying degrees of subtlety for legacy comics to one day realize that they’re relics and that they should just pack it all in, I admit that it can be hard to come up with a suitably dramatic ending for decades of newspaper comics entertainment. But I think we can all agree that, say, having all of your irritating characters being eaten by bears, one by one, would probably be a good showing.

Hagar the Horrible, 2/2/12

Hmm, it seems Helga has been saying for three years that she asked God to improve her husband ten years ago, which is chronologically confusing. Perhaps instead we are meant to understand that all of Hagar the Horrible takes place in some fractured, Tarantino-esque chronology, where we jump back and forth between different episodes (the castle raid, the shipwreck, etc.) in a non-linear fashion. Thus, assuming this is actually the same incident as the previous strip, my speculation in 2009 that Helga will offer the Nordic pantheon human sacrifices if they would only hear her plea seems to finally be confirmed.

Mary Worth, 2/2/12

Whoa, it looks like Nola isn’t just a sinister sexual she-predator; she’s a master of interpersonal judo as well! Rather than attempting to escape Mary’s meddling powers, she’s instead turned her opponent’s greatest strength into a weakness. All she has to do is ask for tips on bedding every man in the condo complex; Mary, having sworn the Biddy’s Oath to always offer friendly advice, will be forced to aid and abet her reign of erotic terror.

Phantom, 2/2/12

Meanwhile, the Phantom is infiltrating the lair of the Ten Tigers, a sinister Chinese crime syndicate! I’m glad to see that bloodthirsty Asian gangsters use the exact same speakerphone that I’ve seen in every conference room in every bland, low-slung suburban office building I’ve ever been in.