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Gasoline Alley, 5/14/24

Ha ha yes, last week I had some fun imagining Walt encountering some biblically accurate angels, but this week Walt has entered a dreamscape where he’s conflating going to a public meeting and not actually doing anything helpful until the mayor showed up and fixed the actual problem with being an ancient hero, a biblical patriarch and warrior who triumphs over impossible odds. Don’t worry, though: unlike the real bible, this imagined ancient setting will still include the crushingly unfunny wordplay you have come to expect from this strip.

The Phantom, 5/14/24

Oh, OK, so this whole thing has ultimately been about a little light idol theft, and I think it’s funny that this bad guy thinks he can rope our hero in with the promise of ill-gotten idol riches. The Phantom would never do anything so gauche as to launder pilfered cultural heritage through discreet and well-connected European auction houses so they end up at the British Museum next to a small plaque that says “provenance unknown”! Why would he bother, when he could just keep them in a room deep in his jungle lair and go down and look at them every few years?

Gil Thorp, 5/14/24

“Well, here’s your problem: you got one of those cubist buses! Sure, you can perceive it from multiple perspectives at once so you can better understand its context, but that kind of setup is hell on an internal combustion engine.”

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Alice, 4/15/24

I’m happy to report that, sine I started reading Alice a few weeks ago, I have fallen thoroughly, 100% under its spell. This strip takes perfectly ordinary situations, like when you receive parrot medicine from beloved novelist and short story writer Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007) but are then unable to give it to your parrot because it flies away, and turns them into delightfully surreal episodes. Ha ha, that parrot does not want to take that medicine! Also Alice (?) is … flying? And her head …. looks like that? Anyway! Alice, I don’t fully “get it” but I’m keenly interested to see what it’s doing next!

Crock, 4/15/24

Look, man, I get what you’re going for here and it’s basically cute and whimsical, but maybe don’t have your characters stumble upon a field of hacked-off human extremities rotting in the desert sun if your comic set is against the backdrop of grinding colonial insurgency, OK? Just … trust me on this one.

The Phantom, 4/15/24

So this current Phantom storyline, it turns out, is about Kit Jr. joining the Ghost Who Walks on one of his adventures, so we can all find out if he really has it what it takes to step up, become the 22nd Phantom, the ultimate jungle warrior and seemingly immortal crime fighter, and fulfill the destiny he was born and bred for. Anyway, turns out he definitely does not have what it takes! He’s just going to get strangled with a chain by some low-level henchman wearing a tank top, because he wasn’t paying attention, like a dumbass.

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Tina’s Groove, 3/19/24

Tina’s Groove is another new strip I’m getting into! Tina is a waitress and is friends with the other folks at the restaurant where she works, including the cook, who is … an alcoholic? That’s definitely what’s going on here, right? Anyway, let’s bring on the laffs!

The Phantom, 3/19/24

Huh, so I guess this Phantom arc is going to be about how the kids today are all on their phones, and that’s why you can’t get good henchmen help these days. Well, did you ever consider that henchmen are bad so it’s actually good that the Zoomers are bad henchmen? Look how much time this guy being on his phone has saved the Phantom! Even his dumb Zoomer son is up to speed!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/19/24

OK, I’ve come around on this plot, which has genuinely made the terrifying ordeal of aging into a nonstop thrill ride, where your biggest opponent is your own refusal to acknowledge that you need mobility assistance. Will the Count be able to steady himself after a few minutes of leaning on that table? Will this elderly cowboy convince him that the next time he wanders away from his station to go take a leak, he should take his cane with him? Tune in tomorrow, or possibly several weeks from now, to find out!

Mary Worth, 3/19/24

Oh, sorry, do you not want to hear Mary go on and on about her neighbor, Keith Hillend anymore? Well, what if we spend a whole week where Mary and Jeff talk about how their relationship is comforting but not flashy, like an old shoe? You’ll beg for more Keith content by Thursday, and for death by Saturday.