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Six Chix, 9/15/17

My occasionally achy body, my bifocals, and the act of subtracting 1974 from the current year all conspire to inform me that I am indisputably in my middle age. This happens to all of us, if we’re lucky; my main goal as an increasingly older person is to not be so out of touch with young people that my image of them becomes completely divorced from any plausible reality. Like, young people, ha ha! Always with the writing their own vows, and the non-monogamy, and the “Is this, like, a hypothetical?” catchphrase that they probably got from Gossip Girl or rap music! You know? Not virtuous, like we were when we were young!

Pluggers, 9/15/17

On this topic, I am reasonably certain that there’s at least one Pluggers panel from the mid-’00s that features an irritated manimal being technologically overwhelmed by having to deal with a then-state-of-the-art device that we would only now anachronistically call a “flip phone.” Time makes pluggers of us all, is what I’m saying.

Blondie, 9/15/17

As the parents of teens, one would expect Blondie and Dagwood to be in their mid-50s at the high end and perhaps as young as 40, so the idea that Dagwood finds omnipresent technology like tablets or smartphones baffling rings false. I do 100% approve of his decision, between panels two and three, to theatrically turn his pockets inside out. That’s the kind of solid commitment to shtick that really keep a marriage lively!

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Spider-Man, 9/8/17

Newspaper Spider-Man is already famous for having whole narrative arcs play out without the title character actually doing anything, but today’s strip is even better, providing us with an little drama that takes place entirely within the context of the villain’s monologue, with our protagonist and the other characters just kind of dumbly staring at him.

I have a lot of questions about the Official Fountain Of Youth Chalice. Like: if it’s made of pewter, as it appears today, or gold, as it appeared last week, how did it shatter so easily? If it’s as important as all that, shouldn’t Tyrannus have several spares? Will some Morlock artisan need to use the only remaining chalice to craft a new backup? Wouldn’t it be easy enough just to use the chalice to measure the actual recommended dosage of Fountain Of Youth Water so that we would know how many milliliters are necessary and dispense with the need for a chalice altogether?

Dick Tracy, 9/8/17

Undercover cop Lee Ebony, currently working deep within in the Neo-Chicago criminal underworld as “T-Bolt,” is taking care to report back to police headquarters using an encoded message in case her phone is tapped, as the footnote in the first panel helpfully indicates. Unfortunately, Sam Catchem seems to be under the impression that if her phone is tapped it’ll only record her end of the call, so he’s just answering using people’s actual names. Admittedly it gets confusing that the main bad guy’s name is actually “Mr. Bribery,” so it’s unclear if he’s talking about him or just the abstract concept of bribery, but either way this is bound to raise suspicions.

Mary Worth, 9/7/17

“…to my work! Ha ha, yes, as a handsome, well-paid doctor I’m very committed to my career. [suddenly speaking much faster and more quietly]also i’m still married to my wife and we’re not in an open relationship or anything, she has no idea i fuck my young employees on the regular[normal speaking style] So, you definitely have the apartment to yourself tonight, right?”

Pluggers, 9/7/17

Ahh yes, a man-bear’s eyes bugging out in panic as he tries to cram an overstuffed sandwich into his mouth before too much food falls into the sink, forcing him to scoop up the soggy scraps with his hands for the second round of feeding. A classic indeed!

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Pluggers, 9/4/17

Pluggers has been around for nearly 25 years, and even taking “Plugger Classics” into account, that means thousands of Pluggers suggestions have been harvested over the years. So I understand that the reserves are probably getting low, what with the ever-increasing plugger mortality rate, but still: “You’re a plugger if your younger brother is phyiscally larger than you?” I genuinely hate to see the plugger brand diluted like this.

Dennis the Menace, 9/4/17

By raising Dennis in a snug white-collar bubble and never letting him encounter anyone required to work on a holiday, his parents are going to ensure that he becomes the worst menace imaginable.

Gil Thorp, 9/4/17

I admit it: I’ve never been a professional athlete. But I have gotten a master’s degree in history, and I want to assure Heather and Jaquan that it is not the nonstop thrill ride that everyone says it is. Chances of concussion: significantly lower than the NFL. Chances of your love of learning and your social life withering away as you spend all your time with passive-aggressive introverts who are all ultimately competing for the same vanishingly small pool of academic jobs: significantly higher.