Archive: Pluggers

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Spider-Man, 12/17/17

So I guess it’s true, Dr. Connors really doesn’t know Peter Parker is Spider-man! Fortunately, he’s been savagely RRONGK?ed on the leg and so can’t pay attention to whatever’s going on around him. I personally have never been subject to a leg-RRONGK?ing, but I find this slightly unbelievable! Maybe I’m overestimating my own stamina and ability to focus, but I feel like even if I had some mid-level lacerations in my lower extremities, I’d notice if a guy three feet away from me loudly announced he was Spider-Man and then took off his shirt and it turned out he was wearing the Spider-Man outfit and then he fought the Hulk, proving he was Spider-Man!

Also, I get that Newspaper Spider-Man is trying to capture some of the magic the Hulk brought to Thor: Ragnarok as a super-powered sidekick to the title character, but why call him an “abomination” in the narration box? That’s just disrespectful to your guest star.

Pluggers, 12/17/17

Pluggers live their lives surrounded by increasingly nonfunctional garbage.

Hi and Lois, 12/17/17

Is Christmas about the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ? Or is it about elaborate sexual roleplay? The culture war around the holidays continues unabated.

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Pluggers, 12/12/17

Fine, I’ll admit it, I’m not ashamed: I learned something from Pluggers today, because I didn’t just stare at it uncomprehendingly in dull horror and say “what gibbering madness is this?” before moving on to Piranha Club. In fact, I discovered that, according to this retrospective 2016 article in the Michgan-based Jackson News, beard-growing contests for the Bicentennial were a thing, confirmed by this 1996 post on the alt.culture.us.1970s usenet group where someone in Alabama remembers similar informal beard-growing competitions. Side note: isn’t it crazy that that 1996 post is closer in time to the Bicentennial than it is to today, but I can’t remember 1976 because I was a toddler and it was decades ago but I remember 1996 very well because I was an adult and it was very recent? Funny how this world works! Ha ha! Anyway, my point is that yes, “Bicentennial beards” were a real thing, with millions of American growing huge beards to honor our founding fathers, who were, to a man, clean-shaven. The ’70s were wild, guys.

Mary Worth, 12/12/17

It seems Wilbur called Iris at breakfast time to try to make dinner plans with her, which I guess explains the robe, and somehow I find it extremely hilarious that Zak is over there enjoying some delicious, healthy All Bran to start his day after an evening of vigorous and mutually enjoyable sex stuff. Not sure if he’s thinking “Dag, this is what happens when you sleep over at an older lady’s house, she doesn’t have any Cocoa Pebbles or anything,” or if it’s more “You know what, I’m a successful businessman now, I’ve cut my formerly flowing locks, so maybe it really is time for me to start pooping on a regular schedule.”

Gil Thorp, 12/12/17

Oh, uh, this Gil Thorp storyline is still happening, huh? Well, just to catch you up, Uncle Gary really wants to Rick Soto to have a concussion, so that Rick will be forced to quit football forever and dedicate himself full-time to becoming a YouTube singing sensation. Unfortunately for this not-at-all insane scheme, multiple doctors have now insisted that Rick hasn’t been concussed even a little! Still, I have a feeling this isn’t the end of it: the skull we catch a glimpse of in the background of panel three is definitely of some kind of early hominin, possibly Homo erectus or an Australopithecine, meaning that this doctor is used to dealing with specimens with much more robust crania than our poor Rick and her advice is suspect.

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Spider-Man, 12/2/17

Wait, so Peter Parker knows Dr. Connors is The Lizard, but Dr. Connors doesn’t know that Peter Parker is Spider-Man? That’s what I’m assuming from Peter coyly saying he’s developed different interests since his days as Dr. Connors’ lab flunky while thought-ballooning about his own super-heroics. If Connors is truly in the dark, then he’s just seeing Peter smirking and not following up on his obvious hint, and probably is thinking “gee, what a dipshit,” just like I do three out of every four times I read this comic.

Anyway, this seems like an unfair power imbalance! Whenever anyone’s embarking on a dangerous journey of self-experimentation, he should have all the facts about his lab assistant available to him! FOR INSTANCE, if he knew that he was being assisted not just by some dork who strings for a New York tabloid but by a man with enhanced strength and combat abilities who could defeat and contain, say, a giant, angry, rampaging reptile, he might err a little more on the side of “OK maybe this new formula will turn me into a lizard like the last one did, but there’s only like a one in three chance, so let’s give it a shot.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/2/17

Right, so, as many predicted, it turns out that bad-ass art forger guy is Rene, Sarah’s erstwhile art teacher. As the dragnet closes in around him, what has he got to say for himself?

YOUR CONCEPT OF ORIGINALITY IS HOPELESSLY OUTDATED, MAN

THIS IS AN “EVERYTHING IS A REMIX” CULTURE

I’M TRANSFORMING YOUR ORIGINAL CONTENT WITH IRONY AND RECONTEXTUALIZATION IN WAYS YOUR FEEBLE MIND COULDN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND

AND I’M MAKING MAD BANK DOING IT TOO

HELPING THAT CHICK TORTURE HER NERD EX-HUSBAND IN THE PROCESS WAS JUST A BONUS

Ha ha! That Belluso kid, he’s plays by his own rules!

Pluggers, 12/2/17

Pluggers used to be into sex, but now the best they can expect from their failing physical form is the ability to maintain a stable train of thought for more than a few minutes at a time.