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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/16/23

Shoutout to Rex Morgan, which, when its armed kidnapping plot rapidly devolved into discussions about the easiest way to transfer money, decided to keep digging and get into a whole thing about ordering room service. “I’m armed, remember?” says Rene, in a desperate attempt to drag the excitement level back up, but nobody’s listening, nobody cares.

Gil Thorp, 9/16/23

Shoutout to Gil Thorp for just having Gil deliver pure unadulterated gnomic bullshit directly to the cameras. “We just need to refocus … I have a feeling this is going to be a long season,” he intones, transfixing readers at home with an eerie Kubrick stare. You don’t need to go so hard, Gil, it’s only week one of the season!

Pluggers, 9/16/23

Wait, is Pluggers implying that a thing that we had in the past and no longer have might’ve been less than perfect? UNACCEPTABLE, BURN THE HERETIC

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Gil Thorp, 8/22/23

I guess Coach Hernandez didn’t realize that his redemption and plush new job at Milford would come with a price, until Gil informed him that, as Milford athletics director, he’d be exercising the ancient droit du seigneur with Mrs. Hernandez in Luke’s own condo, as detailed in the Valley Conference bylaws. Sorry, Luke, but being on the Mudlark coaching staff means participating in an endless cycle of cuckoldry.

Beetle Bailey, 8/22/23

Well, Sarge, while “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat” is a minced oath, with the biblical king’s name substituting for “Jesus,” Jehoshaphat is in fact a theophoric name that means “Yahweh has judged.” So whenever you say it, you’re actually referencing the forbidden tetragrammaton, so, uh, yeah, you’d better put a dollar in that swear jar and you’re lucky that’s your only punishment.

Pluggers, 8/22/23

Pluggers need a dedicated team of highly skilled professionals just to keep them alive.

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Mary Worth, 7/29/23

Are you suffering from depression? Well, the good people at Mary Worth suggest that you simply reunite with a long lost friend, which will clear the problem up entirely. If you don’t have any friends, that frankly is not Mary Worth’s problem. Have you considered getting held hostage and barely escaping with your life? That’s a great way to meet people.

Hi and Lois, 7/29/23

Thirsty being kind of aggressively “fun” and wacky, waving his hands around … he’s drunk, right? Like, more than usual? I get why he’s so insistent, though: he’s finally figured out the secret to making golf fun and doesn’t want to let it go to waste.

Pluggers, 7/29/23

The way the he-plugger is clutching his chest here is evocative and disturbing to me. “Please, dear, stand up. We just need to make it to the car. We can’t afford the ambulance ride. I know you can do it!”

Gil Thorp, 7/29/23

“Imagine what they get away with in adult prisons. Oh, hey, I just happen to have this DVD about what they get away with in adult women’s prisons! Maybe we could watch that instead of the game? Ha ha, just kidding. Unless…?”