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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/08

With Niki adequately rewarded and Rex’s gun returned to its holster, an exciting new adventure in Rex Morgan, M.D., is brewing, and if today’s panel one is any indication, it should be lovely. Check out our good doctor’s look of raw panic as he gets the news; it’s less “An outbreak of antibiotic-resistant staph in our town? As a medical professional I need to do all I can to fight this scourge” and more “AAHHH! THE PLAGUE! EVERYONE RUN FOR THE HILLS! Ha, I’ve got the car keys — June, Sarah, you’re on your own, see ya!” Rex’s stammered hedging in the final panel definitely seems to indicate that he plans to spend the next few months in his sealed, bacteria-proof underground shelter and not mucking around with some do-gooder task force.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/08

Ah, now we find out why Les is going to ruin his oldest friendship by taking a second job he doesn’t need: he wants to make sure he can obsessively control every aspect of his daughter’s life. Thank goodness they live in a town as pathetic Westview; Les can be sure that if Summer’s on a date and isn’t eating crappy pizza under the flickering glow of Montoni’s fluorescent lights, she’s definitely having an unprotected “solo car date” in an empty parking lot somewhere.

Pluggers, 3/22/08

Pluggers are so stupid and thoughtless that they find even basic gestures of courtesy to be total mysteries if they aren’t explicitly spelled out for them.

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Gil Thorp, 3/18/08

OK, ever since the Gil Thorp artist change, I’ve been able to accept that the vaguely flat-topped Robert Mitchum lookalike in the COACH sweatshirt is supposed to be Gil. But you will never, never convince me that the skinny, brush-cut dude in the COACH sweatshirt in panel two is Assistant Coach Kaz. Never, you hear me? Where’s the classic Heat Miser ‘do? The pearl earrings? The hairy forearms and brutish fists? This is a travesty beyond imagining.

Oh, also, Andrew and his little siblings are about to be put into foster care because “the man” says that it’s not OK for children to raise themselves. Presumably the Gil and Kaz stand-ins will cook up some web of lies that will prevent the sinister social services fascists from caring for the kids’ well-being; perhaps it will involve convincing them that Andrew’s “teenage” friends in panel three are actually his 35-year-old aunts, which from the looks of it shouldn’t be hard.

Apartment 3-G, 3/18/08

Margo is no doubt backstage chewing her single glove in rage and frustration as Lu Ann wastes her coveted Girl Talk slot by blathering on all moon-eyed about how swell her talentless junkie boyfriend is. Still, it’s really Margo’s own fault for trusting her air-headed roommate to go on TV without careful coaching. And for using Lu Ann’s embarrassing carbon monoxide poisoning as the selling point for her bland art in the first place. When things go spectacularly wrong, it’s usually a safe bet to blame it on Margo’s desperate scheming, is what I’m trying to say.

Mary Worth, 3/18/08

“For the moment, the mutant super-breath power we shared was a secret between the two of us. But we knew that someday, it would be the instrument of our revenge against a world that had been cruel to us for too long.”

Pluggers, 3/18/08

Pluggers are subject from birth to relentless propaganda and conditioning, so that by the time they’re eight, they suffer from crippling nostalgia for a world they never knew.

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Mary Worth, 3/12/08

Why do I forget that Mary Worth only exists to shatter my hopes and dreams? All my fantasies of a bizarre flashback sequence are looking less and less likely by the day; instead, we’re just going to see Mary and Tobey standing around while Mary natters on in frustratingly vague terms. FLASH BACK! FLASH BACK, DAMN YOU!

Tobey is looking even more numb and Stepford-like than usual in the second panel. It’s possible that like us, she’s become so monumentally bored as to be on the brink of passing out.

Pluggers, 3/12/08

Wait a minute, pluggers don’t actually go hunting? Ha ha, they’re total blue-collar posers! Perhaps pluggers just know that having other people kill and butcher animals for you makes it easier to get the maximum amount of meat down your gullet as quickly as humanly possible.