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Shoe, 5/13/23

We talk a lot on here about the Shoe goggle eyes of horror, with the horror in question being experienced by the Shoe character and the goggle eyes being an indication of said emotion. Today, however, the Perfesser is flashing his dates some bedroom eyes of horror, with the horror being experienced by me as I am suddenly confronted with the thought of him as a sexual being.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/13/23

Hagar, I’m not sure what you expected here! You know Lucky Eddie is a stone-cold fish-fucking freak, and I sincerely hope whatever he whispered to you has blown your square little mind.

Pluggers, 5/13/23

Pluggers rightfully live their lives in fearful anticipation of the day God will finally strike them down, as nightmarish man-animal abominations against His law.

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Mary Worth, 5/8/23

Welp, looks like Ed and Estelle are happy and Ed’s workplace problems are squared away, and Wilbur is emotionally processing his heartbreak the best he can (i.e., not particularly well), so it’s time for a new adventure … a nautical adventure, for Jeff and Mary. What surprise does Dr. Jeff have for his longtime beau? Is this going to be yet another failed marriage proposal? Or is he going to take Mary to the private island he recently acquired, where he can hunt men for sport without meddling Big Government getting in his way?

Gil Thorp, 5/8/23

Meanwhile, Gil is bringing his mother to see one of the little games he coaches, so she can die in the pleasant afternoon air, knowing her son could’ve been a doctor or lawyer or something but instead decided to do this, and do it pretty half-assed.

Dick Tracy, 5/8/23

It feels on-brand for Dick Tracy that this guy is threatening to set off an explosive device in a crowded exhibition hall and all the talk is about the potential damage to a rare World War II-era Monopoly game. “No! No! Our blood and viscera will be smeared all over these collectables! Their condition will have to be downgraded to ‘Fair’ and their resale value will plummet!”

Pluggers, 5/8/23

On January 12, 2007, the nationally syndicated newspaper panel Pluggers declared that the front of a refrigerator, covered with various notes and such held up by magnets, was “a plugger’s MySpace.” Today, MySpace is long gone, but Pluggers? It’s still going strong — plugging away, if you will, bringing joy to newspaper readers everywhere. What I’m trying to say is that TikTok is on notice.

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Daddy Daze, 5/6/23

I definitely wouldn’t say I have a “favorite” Daddy Daze character — why would anyone say that, that would be insane — but I will admit that whenever I see the Daddy Daze daddy’s goth friend, I think “Well, this one’s going to be different, at least.” Today we learn that he … drinks out of the dog’s bowl, I guess? Possibly because he’s so depressed he can’t drag himself up off the floor, so when he’s thirsty he just drinks out of the dog’s bowl, even though it’s all full of dog hair? It’s nice that he can muster the energy to stand upright to talk to his best (only?) friend over their backyard fence, but I suppose when it comes to being in the house by himself, the dog bowl’s right there, so why bother making the arduous climb to the sink. Do you think he even owns a dog?

Pluggers, 5/6/23

I actually laughed at today’s Pluggers because of how alarmed the chicken-lady plugger is about this. It’s called behavior-based advertising and it’s fine, chicken-lady! Well, it’s not, honestly, it’s a sign of our creeping lack of control over our own personal data and privacy, but it’s been like 15+ years at this point and (gestures around vaguely, including at the ads on this very website) it’s basically fine. Maybe you should get a walk-in bathtub! The computers think you’re interested and they’re rarely wrong.