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Beetle Bailey, 9/30/24

Today, most food service in the U.S. military is outsourced to contractors, and one of the military’s most awesome powers is the ability to deploy a fully operational Burger King to a combat zone within 24 hours. But Beetle Bailey remembers an earlier time, when cooks would’ve been soldiers themselves — my grandfather enlisted during World War II and spent the war stateside making meals in bulk for soldiers about to ship out to the Pacific, for instance, and it only occurred to me reading this strip that I never knew what his rank was. Did he outrank a sergeant? Could he, within the bounds of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, have ordered a private to prevent his sergeant from gaining access to the company’s food stores, using deadly force, if necessary? Much to think about.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/30/24

Oh wow, Wanda, just casually demonstrating your ability to cross your fingers right in front of your trigger finger-striken boyfriend? Flexible finger privilege much????

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Beetle Bailey, 9/25/24

Once upon a time, your average newspaper reader looked forward to the middle of the week with eager anticipation. That’s because they knew that Wednesday was “Miss Buxley Wednesday,” an opportunity to turn to the comics page and briefly become horny from looking at a crude drawing of an attractive blonde woman in a skimpy black dress. But then we all got older, especially the old man who was the blonde woman’s boss, and while we’re still going through the Wednesday motions, nobody’s getting horny anymore, not really. Instead, the old man is getting exasperated by his subordinate, and the blonde woman, even more crudely drawn than before, is quietly typing away in the background, presumably grateful that nobody is getting horny at her.

Dick Tracy, 9/25/24

Speaking of letdowns, if you were a mysterious alien being with innate biological powers, a command of advanced technologies, and a vague plan to conquer humanity, how would you think your Wednesday would go? Probably you wouldn’t guess that you’d be spending it going through some file cabinets, right? But that’s just how it happens sometimes. Into everyone’s life, a little file cabinet searching must fall, even into the lives of aliens from the Moon.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/25/24

Hey guys! Did you know that trigger finger happens with a tendon sheath is inflamed and creates a temporary inability to straighten a finger or thumb? Pretty neat, huh? Not sure exactly what you’re supposed to do about it, but if we’re lucky, we might find out soon!

Shoe, 9/25/24

Oh, the Perfesser’s refill isn’t scheduled for another week but he needs more sleeping pills now? Interesting, interesting. Look, I’m not saying a “the Perfesser gets addicted to downers” would be a great new direction for this strip, but it’d probably be better than [spends 45 seconds trying to come up with a funny and pithy description of what exactly Shoe has been getting at for the past 20 years, then fails and gives up] whatever it’s doing now.

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“Well helloooooo, ladies! … and gents!”

“Welcome back to World of Animals, an occasional feature—I’m your beloved host, Carl. My how the time does fly; let’s get straight to those fascinating Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

One Big Happy (panel), 9/1/24

“What? LIBEL! Wait, libel is when it’s printed. Okay, SLANDER! Hmm, what is it when a printed guy says something? All right James, I’m going to let you off the hook this one time—but watch your step, pal!”

Mark Trail, 9/15/24

“HA! ‘Cat colony in the wild’ is warmblood code for a gang of insatiable, fanged monsters who prowl by night murdering innocent turtles. WIPE THEM OUT! [ahem] Thank you for your kind attention.”

Slylock Fox, (panel) 9/15/24

“Well, of course! Did you think a reptile would ever be so rude? Do you think we’re amphibians or something?”

Mutts, 9/15/24

“Look, we turtles may have our faults, but we’re not delusional.“

Rex Morgan, M.D. (panel), 9/15/24

“Well, you’re the expert! But why not find a nice rock to sun yourself on instead of hogging that bench all week?”

That’s all for today—time to get up from the bench and explore the wonderful World of Animals!

— Turtle Carl