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Mary Worth, 7/10/19

Well well well, it looks like Dawn’s big summer romance is going to be with Hugo Lambert, a handsome French exchange student (do they call them “exchange students” in college? I’m pretty sure they don’t) who took Ian’s class with Dawn last year. (Side note: how is it that we never got to see Dawn take Ian’s class? I for one would’ve loved to have seen her smirk her way through Ian’s bloviating lectures about how Tess of the D’Urbervilles will change your life.) Anyway, you can tell Hugo is French and definitely not some kind of con artist because he speaks French for things that English speakers could quickly grasp in that language, but otherwise speaks perfect English. Plus he kisses Dawn’s hand! No American man would be that romantic, based on what I’ve learned from TV sitcoms!

Mark Trail, 7/10/19

Say what you will about Mark Trail, but he’s always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Like, maybe JJ just doesn’t know that it’s illegal to threaten people with a gun and force them to give you all the gold they found in a hidden, magical mine. Or maybe he forgot! He just forgot that he wasn’t supposed to do this! That’s a whoopsy that could happen to anyone, and it’s kind of Mark to jog his memory a bit before punching the shit out of him.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/10/19

Wow, look at that smile on June in the last panel! Literally nothing that’s happened to her in the past decade of this strip — certainly not any of her interactions with her husband or her growing brood of children — has made her as happy as the thought of checking out a website that will tell her how much money dumb people are willing to pay to have their auras laundered or whatever.

Gil Thorp, 7/10/19

Oh, I see how it is: it’s OK for Hadley and Jaquan to live in two different places just because she already has an established legal career and he’s an NBA player who doesn’t get to choose where he lives but also he’s rich so they can afford it, but when Tiki Jansen wants to live in two different places at once so he can go to the school of his choice, he gets in trouble? This is precisely the kind of outrageous double standard that Hadley used to oppose. You’ve changed, Hadley. You’ve changed.

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Mark Trail, 7/6/19

I gotta say, as Things You Could Be Mad At Mark Trail About go, getting mad that he gets to take exotic vacations on the company dime and writes maybe three stories a year is pretty good! It’d be a little more realistic if this complaint weren’t coming from JJ, the proprietor of a well-stocked and presumably highly profitable outdoorwear and mining equipment retailer, but rather from some poor underpaid content producer jealous of Mark’s cushy staff job. “I write three to five hot takes a week on breaking news and I get paid $150 a pop,” the embittered web drone would say, thrusting the gun in Mark’s direction. “I’m a contractor and don’t get health insurance! They don’t have fact checkers and if I get something wrong they hang me out to dry! How dare you, sir!”

Funky Winkerbean, 7/6/19

Jess and Cindy are doing research for their documentary about Butter Brinkel by … watching a documentary about Butter Brinkel? Have they considered just telling people there’s a documentary they can watch that’s already been made? Someone went through all the trouble of putting it together and everything.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/6/19

“Maybe, but it seems like it’d be a lot of work, so, you know, enh. What do you wanna do for dinner?”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/3/19

Rex is, it goes without saying, going to eventually do some kind of intervention here and try to get Serena the Chemtrail Healer shut down and is probably going to be a real smug prick about it in the process, but we all see that contemplative chin scratch in panel one, right? That’s a man thinking about the lucrative future of telemedicine, as well as the ancillary revenues that can be generated by various Rex Morgan-branded media products. Of course, Rex’s offerings would all be in line with accepted medical procedures — you know, more or less. The point is that he’ll be getting paid and won’t have to deal with seeing or smelling his patients, and that’s the important thing.

Judge Parker, 7/3/19

“Randy, no … Randy, you’re a judge. You’re Judge Parker. You’re a respected jurist and you’re rich as hell. Get it together, man.”