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Mary Worth, 10/15/17

Today’s Mary Worth is mostly a hilarious rehash of a hilarious week for the Sunday crowd, but there is one new bit of information: in the first panel in the third row, Wilbur reveals that he’s so anxious and anhedonic that he needs to be intoxicated just to experience the basic levels of enjoyment that most humans normally feel when listening to music. See, we’ve all been marveling at the improbable pairing of Wilbur and Fabiana, but unlike all of you shallow people, she’s managed to look past his dweebish exterior to really understand and appreciate his thoroughly unappealing personality.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/15/17

Not so fast, kid: the real monster here is the masses’ ignorance of the finer points of 1950s horror comics artistry, a shameful deficit in our education system that allows online forgers to flourish. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/14/17

Ugh, fine, we get it, we frickin’ get it, the both of you are upstanding and moral and would never even be able to get your incredibly righteous minds around the very idea of defrauding people for money. It’s baffling to you that anyone would possibly do this. Well, maybe I have someone who can explain the idea to you: BAD-ASS ART FORGER GUY!!!!

IT’S LIKE THIS, SQUARES:

AUTHENTICITY IS A BOURGEOIS AFFECTATION

IF YOU ENJOY THE WAY A PIECE OF ART LOOKS, WHY DOES IT MATTER TO YOU WHO CREATED IT?

YOU’RE FOOLING YOURSELF IF YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE “REAL” ART AND MY MASTERFUL REPRODUCTION

I’M HURTING NOBODY AND MAKING MAD BANK, SO SUCK IT HATERS

Anyway, several of you have suggested that our scam artist is actually Rene, who we last saw as Sarah’s art teacher/a master forger in the employ of the mob, who fled his mafioso compatriots and shaved his head and got new sunglasses. It’s totally possible! Though Rene always seemed like the nervous type? Not a true stud with ice water flowing through his veins like our villain here.

Shoe, 10/14/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because the strip prompts intrusive thoughts of this late-middle-aged bird-man contorting his creaky body so he can have acrobatic sex with his yoga instructor girlfriend, who is presumably also an anthropomorphic bird, and who we’re probably meant to envision as significantly younger than him! Oh, wait, you don’t have an awful hell-brain like mine? You say the comic didn’t prompt those images, which only arose when I suggested them? Well, too bad! Enjoy your weekend!

[leaves for a minute, but then comes back, to whisper a single word]: cloaca

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The Phantom, 10/8/17

Oh, hey, look, it’s a new Sunday Phantom storyline, after I failed to update you on the old one! And hey, I also forgot to mention that Jeff Wiegel took over the art on the Sunday Phantoms from Terry Beatty a few months back! I really like the details on this strip, but I’m afraid that Wiegel got so enthusiastic in panel three that he’s undermining the story a little bit: that tray features some nice-looking rigatoni in red sauce, healthy-looking yellow corn, and mashed potatoes swimming in gravy! If that’s “prison slop,” sign me up! I promise not to rat out anybody!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/8/17

Oh, you can’t understand the mindset of someone who would do that? Take a look, lady:

CHECK OUT THIS STONE COLD BADASS

THIS SHAVED-HEADED GOATEED LAURENCE-FISHBURNE-SUNGLASSES-FROM-THE-MATRIX-WEARING MOFO

HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR “RULES” OR “LAWS” OR “OPINONS”

HE’S JUST GONNA FORGE SOME COMICS ART, GET SOME CASH, AND GET OUT

Blondie, 10/8/17

If you’ve ever wondered about the evolutionary sequence of the Bumstead lineage, what with Dagwood and Alexander sharing many of the same unusual features, today’s strip offers some crucial insight: Alexander is almost exactly like Dagwood, except he likes to fuck.