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The Phantom, 4/29/18

This Phantom Sunday plot, involving our hero breaking a prison snitch out Bangalla’s most hellish jail temporarily for crime-fighting purposes, has been happening since at least last October, and I’m definitely not going bring you up to date on everything that’s happened in it, because if it were actually interesting I probably would’ve talked about it here already, right? Mostly I wanted to point out that our jailbird’s faltering attempt to find common ground with the Phantom makes the hero recoil in disgust and think about his loving, supportive childhood where a man dressed in a purple gimp suit who never even let his own children see his face taught him to kill.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/28/18

Oh, right, Heather, last seen having succeeded in her plan to seduce her dying, demented husband, or at least procure some of his seed. Well, the baby’s born and the husband is dead, and now she’s going to have to deal with both the grief and her stepson Hugh, who failed to come to his father’s deathbed, probably because his father never liked him and he and Heather conspired to keep Hugh from taking control of the family company not once but twice. The new baby is named “Phoenix,” presumably to summon the image of a bird rising from its own ashes, which will help Heather make the case to the board of Avery International that the infant is in fact the reincarnated soul of Milton and therefore technically the company CEO.

Mary Worth, 4/28/18

I know it’s been a few days since we checked in with Wilbur, so here’s the update: Wilbur’s still depressed, and now he’s turning to drink. It’s sad that he has this whole liquor cabinet, including a bottle of decent scotch, and nobody to share it with. What about his neighbors? What about Ian? What do you think is keeping Wilbur from inviting Ian over and enjoying a pleasant nightcap? Probably the fact that they don’t really care for each other because they’re both pretty unlikeable, I imagine.

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Mark Trail, 4/17/18

Hey, remember Marlin’s assistant Jim, who was probably DB Cooper and/or the Zodiac Killer? Well, whichever one of those guys Jim isn’t is apparently laying low as a cabana boy at whichever beachside resort Chris “Dirty” Dyer has taken up residence in! You guys remember “Dirty,” don’t you? The rhino poacher who died but then wasn’t dead after all, and came to America seeking revenge? Last we saw him he was about to murder an erstwhile underworld pal/pharaonic cosplayer for the contents of his safe, and today’s strip might at first make you think that once he had all that loot he decided that hunting down and defeating his nemesis seems like a lot of work when he could just chill beachside for a few years instead. But no, he’s taking the opportunity to sharpen his knife-throwing skills, which I guess is what’s going to make his final confrontation with Mark sporting, like just shooting him with a gun would’ve been too easy or something.

Mary Worth, 4/17/18

Pretty amazing that Wilbur has a coffee cup that just says “DAD”, right? Like, a few weeks ago he couldn’t shut up about what a great parent he is but apparently he doesn’t believe in himself enough to drink out of a mug that says “#1 DAD” or “WORLD’S GREATEST DAD” on it. No, all that he’s willing to admit to whoever sees him at his breakfast table (i.e., nobody, for now, and probably forever) is that, yes, he does acknowledge having sired a child, and therefore is technically speaking a “dad.” Anyway, I certainly hope that phone call is from Wilbur’s editor, who’s finally gotten around to actually reading “Ask Wendy” and “Survivor Stories,” and is firing him post-haste because both are very, very bad, like just unreadably awful.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/18

With our medically themed plot finally wrapping up, Rex Morgan is moving on to a new exciting storyline: this old man is considering going to a wedding to which he was invited — but is he too busy??? Can’t wait to see all the twists and turns as this plays out!!!!!!!!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/9/18

Boy, our POV sure is lingering kind of ominously on that paper cup of water in the last panel, and you know what would be extremely funny, to me? If, after we spent all this time learning that Justin’s reluctance to seek medical attention for what was obviously a serious health problem had its origins in his mother’s own irrational fears, Rex hands Justin that water and he drinks it and then the water just leaks out everywhere because the terrible, substandard surgery performed on him at the bottom-tier hospital where Rex has admitting privileges has left the poor boy’s digestive tract full of holes. “My mother … was right!” Justin would gasp out, right before he dies from all his organs becoming unmoored from the places where they’re supposed to be.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/9/18

I believe I’ve shared on this blog before the fact that in sixth grade I accidentally spilled a pot of boiling Lipton’s Giggle Noodle Soup onto my foot. This was an extremely silly-sounding injury that earned me the derisive nickname “Noodlefoot” for the remainder of the school year, but it was also an extremely painful second-degree burn that I had to keep dressed in a bandage for months! I still have visible scars, more than thirty years later! My point is that while Hagar and Lucky Eddie are yucking it up there on the battlements of whatever castle they’ve managed to seize by brutal force to use as a temporary base for yet another plundering expedition, the men below are screaming in pain as their flesh sizzles and sloughs from their bones.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/9/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because, even in moments of quotidian happiness, Cindy is obsessed with with her age and the decline of her good looks! Cindy, you might recall, was the pretty cheerleader character from the high-school-days origins of Funky Winkerbean, and the strip has never stopped punishing her for it, having her fired from her newscasting job for getting old, after which she didn’t file the obvious lawsuit, but instead started both working and sleeping with young people so she would always be reminded of her encroaching cronedom. The Funkyverse is all about generalized anxiety over mortality, of course, but you have to love the way Cindy’s been saddled with a particularly gendered version of this where she’s constantly convinced that she’ll be unattractive and unloveable any day now, and by “have to love” I mean “you don’t have to love it at all, feel free to get pretty upset about it, actually.”

Mark Trail, 4/9/18

I’m pretty sure that Marlin and Jim drove up in that jeep, so, unlike what happened with a couple of boats we could mention, this is one hilariously awesome vehicle wreck that won’t go on Woods and Wildlife’s tab!