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Crock, 7/7/17

If you’re interested in a comic strip with jokes about working in a diner and navel rings, written by someone who only has a passing familiarity with how restaurant staffing, salad preparation, and navel rings work, then today’s Crock is for you, my friend!

Dennis the Menace, 7/7/17

Nice to see that the Mitchells are continuing to enjoy their psychosexual beach vacation!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/7/17

Welp, looks like Rex Morgan has wrapped up its thrilling “some teens are gay!” adventure and is ready to embark on a brand new thrilling “the Internet is a great way to reconnect with long-lost friends!” adventure.

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Judge Parker, 6/27/17

Oh, hey, good news: Abbey’s secret half-sister was trying to break Sophie’s will by keeping her in a pit and make Sophie hate Abbey too, but she didn’t! Everyone’s happy and they love each other again! So that problem is all solved and everything is all right in Parkerville … except whoops Randy’s beloved pregnant wife still hasn’t been found after she vanished doing One Last Job for the CIA, and he’s taking it pretty hard. Lots of takeout is to be expected, of course, but sitting on the couch staring at a teddy bear? That’s some high-quality lost-wife moping.

Fortunately, Judge Parker Senior is here to get his son to snap out of it. “Randy, you can’t live like this,” he pleads. “Someone’s gotta be the judge in this town, and I’m busy promoting my terrible, unreadable book full time! You’ve got to move on! Do you think I just stared at a damn stuffed animal all day when your mother mysteriously vanished? Of course not! I got a new, younger, hotter wife, just like I have every five years ever since! Pull yourself together, man!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/27/17

“So, Niki took me to this show the arts high kids put on … and they invited me to this weekly game night thing … and I just want to know … am I a nerd now? Remember how I used to be a sexy badass? Is there any going back, or am I stuck like this forever?”

Dick Tracy, 6/27/17

Sorry, comics creators carefully working on the perfect setup-punchline combination: nothing in the funny pages this week will possibly make me laugh more than “That music! Is it ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawamba?”

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Hagar the Horrible, 6/18/17

There’s a lot of backstory that has to go into making this gag work. First Hagar has to decide that his life is worthy of being commemorated in a long tale, and then, despite his canonical illiteracy, he has to choose to abandon the traditional orally transmitted poetry of his Viking ancestors in favor of a written biography. Then he has to strong-arm Lucky Eddy, who is himself illiterate, into learning letter-craft and then writing Hagar’s life story down. Then Hagar has to ask which parts of the book are bad for Helga to read, because, as his crude X indicates, he himself still refuses to learn the southern art of writing. Which Helga … has? There’s a lot going on here, is what I’m saying.

Mary Worth, 6/18/17

There is as ever a lot of inappropriate bold-lettering in Mary Worth, but I dearly hope that Esme’s all-bolded final speech balloon indicates that she’s shouting her dialogue at the top of her lungs down the deck. “I’M LEAVING THE INVITATION OPEN, DEREK! THE SEX INVITATION! YOU KNOW, FOR EXTRAMARITAL SEX! FOR WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE! CABIN 1122! COME BY ANY TIME! TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!”

Hi and Lois, 6/18/17

Guys, I’m … I’m starting to worry about Hi.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/18/17

[a few weeks later, Kelly sees a reference to “the LGBT community” and is moved to look up what the “B” stands for] hey, wait a minute