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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/19/15

The accelerating pace of technological change can be a little dizzying. Why, it doesn’t seem that long ago that a Yale dropout named Mac Zuckerman launched a social networking site named Pacebook. Originally available exclusively to students at elite colleges, in the early ’00s it was associated with the young and hip. But by 2010 it had become omnipresent and was used by people of all ages, so that even small-town mayors’ glands were deemed worthy of parody pages. Naturally, the kids left in droves. Kelly and Niki were only 11 years old when their older siblings and parents giggled over Mayor Dalton’s prostate’s brief viral glory on Pacebook; there’s no way those kids were going to sign up for such a hopelessly square site and try to find “Pacebook pals” when they finally got cell phones. Enter Mitt Zackerman, the Dartmouth junior whose hip new social media app Pacelook is spreading like wildfire throughout high schools across the country. Sure, it’s mostly being used for cyberbullying, but “the Zack” and his venture capital backers are sure the kinks can be ironed out and the site ready for polite society in time for the IPO.

Mary Worth, 3/19/15

Boy, Mary Worth sure is being nosy with Adam, about his on-the-law-enforcement-job injury, which may or may not be related to the one thing that he can never let go of (hint: it is very, very much related). Anyway, what if Adam was injured in his capacity as a member of the Fashion Police? He hasn’t judged anyone’s clothing since he got hurt, but today, with this old woman in front of him wearing a tomato-colored sweatsuit over a white men’s dress shirt — well, today might be his chance at redemption.

Six Chix, 3/19/15

Ha, funny story, that GPS is speaking my language, too! My language is a voice inside my head that constantly and cruelly tells me that I’m a moron who makes terrible mistakes that even a child could avoid. That’s a normal, relatable thing, right?

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Spider-Man, 2/27/15

Hahaha, thank you, Spider-Man, thank you for wrapping up this storyline in the most pointlessly absurd way possible. There’s nothing about this that I don’t adore. I love that the potential dramatic purpose of Mysterio’s double-masking is undercut by the strip revealing the truth after only one panel, and I sincerely hope the reasons behind it are never discussed or even mentioned. I love the fact that the “Dash” Dashell mask is presumably fixed in that glum expression. I love that he’s got glasses perched on top of the mask, and that those glasses apparently have transition lenses. I love the weird grimace Beck is making as the mask comes off, which is actually the sort of face you’d make if you were wearing a fishbowl full of water over a latex mask. I love the fact that all this time we’ve been set up to think that Rory McCormick, the douchey special effects guy, is Mysterio, but it turns out to be some other dude we’ve never even heard of before this point. The only way I could possibly be happier would be if Spidey pulled off the Quentin Beck mask only to discover McCormick’s face underneath.

Gil Thorp, 2/27/15

Basketball manager/secret coaching prodigy Bobby Howley was gently admonished by Gil at the beginning of this storyline for acting more like a coach than a manager, and since then Gil and Coach Kaz and Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp have appeared not at all, while Bobby has dished out basketball and/or pharmaceutical advice to boys and girls alike. Today, however, we see the limits of his keen mind: while he may see the basketball court as an easily solved equation, clearly that triangular shape of a piece of pizza has got him in over his head. “Well, I can easily fit this end of this slice into my mouth, so I can just keep chewing my way all the way to the crust in one go … WAIT NO TOO WIDE ABORT ABORT ABORT”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/27/15

June is having a hard time figuring out how not to pay attention to Sarah, and Rex is happy to help! “You’ve been busy, but I haven’t, but I still have no idea what she’s doing! Say, don’t we have somewhere to be? Somewhere that doesn’t involve Sarah at all?”

Heathcliff, 2/27/15

It’s funny because the fish feels a twinge of terror because Heathcliff is openly declaring his intention to kill and eat him.

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Momma, 2/22/15

“He doesn’t know the half of it! Why, the Battles of Lexington and Concord were fought by Massachusetts militiamen before I was appointed commander of the Continental Army; the Battle of Saratoga was fought by my subordinates while I was nowhere nearby; and the Treaty of Paris was negotiated by others who I had no authority over, since at that time I was only a military commander, not the chief executive! I don’t deserve to have these pennants hanging up in my office! They just make me feel like a big man! I’m a fraud!”

B.C., 2/22/15

Man, wasn’t it great when Americans were united by utter terror of nuclear annihilation? There definitely weren’t any divisions here at home at all during that period! Thanks for reminding us of this gentler era, Caveman Poet!

Mark Trail, 2/22/15

Despite what this feature might’ve implied last week, you’re probably not being stalked by a terrifying grizzly bear right now. You are surrounded by insects in all directions, though! Horrible, horrible insects. Just look at them! They’re awful monsters.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/22/15

Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when it looked like there might be some kind of conflict in this storyline? Haha, well, never mind all that!