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Hagar the Horrible, 12/3/22

Lucky Eddie is indignant: His position as the ship’s cook is integral to his identity, and is probably a result of his hereditary caste, not because he’s “good” at cooking or anything. But frankly you can’t keep plundering coin hoards from Carolingian Europe and the Mediterranean and not expect a money-based economy to spring up eventually.

Mary Worth, 12/3/22

TIRED: Iris and Nan are going to engage in some sort of boring cat fight for Zak’s affections.

WIRED: Iris is going to get one look at Nan and fall head over heels in love. Neither of them are going to need Zak at all!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/3/22

I know Mud is supposed to be the “bad guy” here, but I’m sorry, you gotta love him! This amiable giant of a man is going to be flirting and fake-shitting his way to the top of the charts, in contrast with Truck, whose greatest achievement is a song about almost dying of pneumonia at a shitty hotel. Anyone with the nerve to call Buck a loser to his face is all right by me!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/28/22

Oh my God, this Rex Morgan, M.D., plot really is going to be “Mud Mountain Murphy only pretended to have a catastrophic digestive situation so he could move up from opening act to headliner,” huh? Well, since Rex vaguely tried to offer Mud medical assistance, I look forward to him shutting down his clinic altogether after this. After all, how can he be sure that any patient who walks through the door isn’t just faking it to help their career in the entertainment business? And then Rex would have used a portion of his precious and limited reserves of human empathy for nothing. Better safe than sorry!

Dustin, 11/28/22

I guess when it comes down to it, none of us should be surprised that Dustin’s dad works at a law firm that specifically caters to real assholes who hate their kids, right?

Pluggers, 11/28/22

Look, everyone, it’s a drawing of a down-home, salt-of-the-earth dog-man guzzling laxative so he can shit himself thin! I dunno, man. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this one.

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/23/22

Oh my God, Mr. Davidson the janitor is some kind of near-immortal being, charged with subtly guiding the world under his care, just like the characters in the MCU movie Eternals (maybe? like all normal people, I did not see that movie or read the comics it was based on). Anyway, it turns out that despite his apparent old age, in the context of his own kind he’s just a beginner, which explains why the Funkyverse is so deeply fucked up.

Dick Tracy, 11/23/22

I guess the glory days of Dick Tracy really are behind us: instead of having his skull exploded by powerful magnets, Steelface just got mildly burned and then left the hospital in a huff over the substandard medical care they provided, and instead of being shot in the back for “resisting arrest” by Dick and his goons, he’s just going to learn through irony that stealing cars isn’t very nice, and so he’ll wind his stolen car ring up post-haste and move on to more socially productive pursuits.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/23/22

Oh wow, look at how mad Truck is! He’s beginning to suspect that Mud Mountain’s whole binge eating/onstage pants-shitting bit was just a ruse that successfully promoted him from opening act to headliner! This is why you never found stardom, Truck: you have to be willing to endure any humiliation, public or private, if it advances your career. You never had what it takes and you never will.

Pluggers, 11/23/22

A fun fact is that on more than one occasion I’ve started to take a shower and realized I still had my hearing aids on, which is a much more terrifying situation vis-a-vis replacement costs than the one in which this plugger finds himself. But it turns out they’re pretty hardy gadgets and they came through OK! Anyway, I have out-pluggered a Pluggers and now I need to go take a long shower (without my glasses or hearing aids on) to cry.