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Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/19/21

I initially assumed the solution to this mystery would be animal fact based: bears really do eat salmon and raccoons really do eat lobsters, so the wolf would only get theatrically excited about oysters as part of his criminal middleman routine. But the “strongest alibi” bit truly gets into the Orwellian mindfuck that is life in Slylock’s Forest Kingdom, where you can be immediately found guilty not despite the fact that you have the most evidence pointing to your innocence but because of it! Please do not dwell on the litany of horrors Sly subjected this poor wolf to in order to “convince” him to confess, this is a comic for children.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 12/19/21

Yeah, man, my wife does too? I think think it’s pretty normal for your partner to generally be aware of when you’re in bed, to be honest. Come on, Leroy, this one is a stretch. I am intrigued by the lady who’s just discovered an outlet for her “jolly old elf” fetish, however.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/19/21

I think this is a pretty good look at who would watch this livestream and feel vaguely bad about their contribution to the feeding frenzy over “Cynthia Ivy”‘s real identity: basically normal looking kids and extremely dweeby adults.

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/19/21

TIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it diminishes the unique religious importance of Christmas

WIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it reminds us of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, a strip created by liberal coastal elitists specifically to make fun of the rural poor

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Dick Tracy, 12/15/21

Let’s face it folks: between COVID-19, a general prejudice against nerds, and a widespread unwillingness on the public’s part to engage with anything that isn’t part of a larger, branded “cinematic universe,” museums and libraries and other so-called “brainiac institutions” are in trouble! That’s why we’re trying to “get the word out” in the funny pages about how these places are actually pretty cool, when you think about it. We already had a long story in Rex Morgan about how doing stuff at a museum can lead to you acquiring a mob enforcer as a chauffeur; now we’re learning that if you’ve been paid with murdering a particularly formidable adversary, maybe there’ll be an exhibit about him at your local library that will let you know about all his vulnerabilities and weak spots.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/15/21

Speaking of Sarah’s adventures in unearned and unwanted (?) fame and fortune, let’s not forget that she’s not the only pseudonymous author on the Kitty Cop series: there’s also “Kyle Vidpa,” aka Jake Rowling, whose writers’ block got Sarah involved in all this in the first place, and who is presumably about to blow his own cover to distract from Sarah. Look at his wife in the background of panel two! That is the face of a lady who’s about to go through a lot annoyance for a kid who she quite frankly doesn’t even know, and she’s not thrilled about it!

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Hi and Lois, 12/14/21

This is (and here’s a sentence that I’m reasonably sure has never appeared in the English language to date) the most heartbreaking Hi and Lois yet. Look at Thirsty! He’s doing a half-assed job of tucking his shirt in, he’s writing things down so that when he’s in a meeting he can at least act like he knows what his job is and that he’s doing it. And he looks so happy about it! Maybe putting forth a little effort to meet your responsibilities can make your life better, just like Irma says! Of course, Mr. Foofram is just going to go with whatever suggestion that nerdlinger in the bowtie came up with, which is presumably neatly typed up on that piece of paper that he’s handing over in the background, and this will send Thirsty back into his downward spiral of sloth. But for one brief and all-too-fleeting moment, he’s proud of himself.

Dennis the Menace, 12/14/21

That is, in fact, Dennis the Menace creator Hank Ketcham that Henry is calling his “boss” here, which quite honestly brings up a whole host of existential questions. Is Herny’s generic white-collar “job” actually just to be Dennis’s dad in the strip that bears his name? Does he spend his time in the office being lectured by Ketcham — literally his creator and God — about all the ways he needs to tee up Dennis’s little acts of menace? “Definitely you need to ogle some sexy women in front of the kid this week, Mitchell, and the week after that I’m gonna want you to talk shit about an acquaintance of yours right before they come to visit. You can’t say no to me, I called you forth from the ether with my pen and I can send you back!” The fact that Ketcham has been dead for 20 years just complicates this scene further. It’s almost as if Henry is finally about to explain who’s really calling the shots in this strip, and why despite the best intentions of everyone involved in its creation today, the Mitchells will be trapped in their narrative hell for eternity.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/14/21

Oh my gosh Rex said a swear!!! June is shocked, for obvious reasons: generally people are driven to profanity when they experience an emotion of some kind, something that she knows Rex tries to avoid at all costs.