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Lockhorns, 6/16/12

Congrats to Leroy on finding the most absolutely generic packages in the store! Let’s see, I’ll guess that the chips are in the bag, the peanuts are in the little flat box, the pretzels are in the long skinny box, and the beer is in the larger of the two cans? Because Leroy only bought one can of beer, maybe? Anyway, Loretta, don’t be so quick to judge, as we haven’t figured out what’s in the little can yet — it might be a single serving of milk.

Shoe, 6/16/12

I’m on the record as saying that Buzz, Shoe’s angry, confused elderly bird-man, is my favorite character in this strip, which is why I resent the fact that all the other bird-people have apparently abandoned him to just blather his nonsense in isolation. Couldn’t Roz at least put forth the effort of standing there nodding sullenly at his insane ramblings? He’s her most faithful, lowest tipping customer!

UPDATE: Apparently Biz’s name is actually Biz, rather than Buzz? I leave this up as is, as a mark of my shame at being unable to indentify cartoon birds!

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Dennis the Menace, 4/12/12

Yes, ha ha, Dennis tried to annoy Mr. Wilson while Mr. Wilson was going to the bathroom and Mrs. Wilson actually prevented this from happening for once. But wouldn’t it be a million times more awesome if Mr. Wilson had actually snapped and decided he was one of history’s more obscure kings (Louis XI of France, say, known to his people as “the Universal Spider”), had purchased a throne on eBay, and was currently sitting on it in his living room, barking out deranged orders to his nonexistent subjects? It would be a million times more menacing than anything Dennis had ever done, unless you count Dennis’ undoubted contribution to his insanity as the root menacing cause of the situation.

Luann, 4/12/12

In case you’re wondering, Luann has taken a break from its queasy-making storylines about teen sexuality in order to treat us to a queasy-making storyline in which Crystal tries to pee while Knute and Gunther stand right next to her stall and Gunther admires her shoes. (You may consider this to in fact be yet another queasy-making storyline about teen sexuality, but for reasons of my own mental health I am trying very hard not to do so.)

Mark Trail, 4/12/12

“Wait, no, that emphasis is kind of stilted, right? Let me try … ‘We are already here — surprise!’ Yeah, that sounds much more naturalistic. OK, mister, can you say your sentence again? Try to still act surprised when I yell surprise, it makes it more fun.”

Shoe, 4/12/12

“Ha ha, get it, because old people are old, like fossils are old? Old people? Ha ha? Seriously, though, I’m having lots of trouble pooping, so hand over the prune juice pronto.”

Ziggy, 4/12/12

The Home Shopping Network is a for-profit business whose margins depend on its operators taking customers’ payment information as efficiently as possible. They can’t afford to talk to sad, hairless gnome-men calling just because they’re lonely and need to hear another human being’s voice.

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Shoe, 4/11/12

I’m not really sure if the pharmacist in panel is telling Roz that her pills have gotten more expensive or that her dosage has been tripled, but, really, who cares? Roz sure doesn’t! She’s high as a kite! Abusing prescription drugs is awesome, that’s the important lesson here.

Hi and Lois, 4/11/12

I guess Trixie in panel two is supposed to have an “I’m sad because I’m sick” face, but honestly to me it really just looks like it’s an “I’m sad because of what’s in my thought balloon” face. “I can’t even walk yet! I’m such a failure! I can’t coast by on a being a cute baby with stupid hair forever, I need to achieve independent mobility!”

Judge Parker, 4/11/12

“And why should he? I mean, there’s no possible conflict of interest in an elected official taking an extravagant gift from a foreign national who’s heavily involved in several murder attempts in his jurisdiction, after all!”