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Cleats, 11/6/08

This is Cleats! I almost never talk about it, except when it becomes a scene of nightmarish horror; but, seeing as it’s ostensibly a good-natured, light-hearted look at the world of youth athletics, that happens more than you’d think. Anyhoo, Edith there is a slightly bookish young lady who enjoys goaltending and fencing. She has terrifying, inhuman mouth-parts that she uses to feed on soccer balls, and rotting flesh.

Pluggers, 11/6/08

You know you’re an impoverished plugger when you live in an apartment so tiny that your can barely fit your legs between your TV stand and your chair, which is just as well seeing as you can’t afford any other furniture. Also, you know you’re an impoverished plugger when you’d like to eat your cat, but you can’t move quickly enough to catch him because you’re weak and keep fainting, because of the hunger. At least this poor bastard hasn’t had to resort to the ultimate plugger indignity: hocking his television.

Mark Trail, 11/6/08

“Raccoons like to wander a lot … around in nature! That’s because they’re wild animals! They don’t care a whit about you, or your family! You’re lucky Sneaky managed to ‘sneak’ out, or else he probably would have ‘snuck’ into your room at night and bit you on the face, for no reason!”

Also, I challenge you all to use the phrase “That will make it easier to chain to a log” in casual conversation today.

Shoe, 11/6/08

“Also, I’m old and dying! So the future can pretty much bite me, you know what I’m saying?”

Psst! If you’re interested in discussing the election, this would be a good place to do it.

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Shoe, 10/26/08

Sunday’s Shoe has discovered the ultimate recipe for hilarity: have a bunch of characters, most of whom you’ve never met before and have no attachment to, sitting around telling tedious jokes about how boring they are. In the gut-busting climax, the Perfesser tells a joke that’s both boring and ancient; ironically, the syndicate seems to have demanded that the awkward phrase “in eminent danger” replace the more obvious and straightforward “dying,” thus making the gag even duller.

By the way, I shaved the initial panels off of the shockingly huge Sunday Shoe graphic, because they were even less interesting than the ones you see here.

Mary Worth, 10/26/08

Speaking as a connoisseur, this is an extremely satisfying Mary Worth, combining as it does fan favorites (random, rambling platitude-laden thought ballooning) and exciting new elements (laughable fantasy skating action). Mary’s “ocean wave” riff is echoed by the oddly shaped clouds out her window; it’s possible that those are actual ocean waves, and her plane is about to plow into the sea and deliver her to her watery grave, but that’s probably asking too much.

Slylock Fox, 10/26/08

I actually agree that Rachel Rabbit’s accusation is ridiculous. It’s obvious that any attempt on Reeky’s part at electrical work more complex than plugging in a hot plate would result in his immediate painful and high-voltage death.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/26/08

Yes, of course he is, dear.

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Family Circus, 10/24/08

So, the constant mental and emotional abuse of Jeffy has been a long-standing theme of this strip, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that his physical abuse is starting to come to the fore. Attempts to shut him up by doping him up — “Mommy says that if I take all these pills, I won’t feel anything anymore!” — are doomed to failure, as nothing can stop Jeffy’s relentlessly adorable malapropisms. This thing’s only going to get uglier, with either Ma and Pa Keane dragged off to jail, or Jeffy burning the house down, then blaming his vengeance on “Ida Know”.

Mary Worth, 10/24/08

Having been browbeaten by Mary into not visiting his beloved son Drew in Vietnam (where, I might add, Drew is doing the charity work that his father wants to be doing), Dr. Jeff is trying to salvage some pretense of autonomy by blaming his homebody ways on his bad knees, which I’m reasonably sure have never once been mentioned in this strip to this point (though there is a cane floating aimlessly next to him in panel one). Mary then mocks him by claiming that going through airport security is just sooooo irritating; it’s almost as bad as having pretend knee arthritis! The truth is that kindly old lady Mary always breezes through the security lines, with the TSA none the wiser about all the heroin she keeps tucked into the waistband of her support hose.

Apartment 3-G, 10/24/08

Noooo Margo, you’re beginning to feel empathy for another human being! Admittedly, it’s a dead human being, but that’s how it starts. You need to gulp down some of that ink-black soul-destroying devil’s milk, before it’s too late!

Shoe, 10/24/08

This is today’s Shoe. It’s about urinating on things!