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Blondie, 6/15/16

I actually spent some time (OK, fine, like a minute and a half, but still) trying to figure out if there were some real cloud storage service that used a pig as a mascot. Because when a technical annoyance happens to a character in a legacy comic strip, I generally assume that that precise annoyance has also happened to someone involved in the creation of that legacy comic strip. I still sincerely believe that someone encountered the phrase “upgrade to pro” and thought “You know who needs to be upgraded to pro? Dagwood Bumstead, a character I write jokes about, that’s who! Hey-oooh.”

Pluggers, 6/15/16

“Sure,” pluggers thought. “Your kids? They’re disappointments. Always wanting money. Never applying themselves at school. Never calling just say hi. But grandkids — grandkids are where the fun are.” This is the moment when the scales fall from their eyes. This is the moment when pluggers see — really see — exactly what it’s all about.

Shoe, 6/15/16

In yet another example of why the bird-people of Shoe should not participate in jokes that at all involve bird metaphors, the Perfesser has ordered some infants of his kind through the mail (which is something that you totally can do) and plans to raise one in order to marry her.

Family Circus, 6/15/16

“Maybe one day we’ll run off together,” Mommy whispers to PJ inside. “Maybe just the two of us. Maybe we’ll do it tonight.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/15/16

You do have a fairy godmother, Sarah! A narrative fairy godmother. Just accept it! THERE’S NO ESCAPE

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Marvin, 6/6/16

You know, if you’d asked me a few years ago if I’d eventually get bored pointing out the scatological horrors of Marvin, I would’ve said yes, so shoutout to the creative team for “keeping it fresh,” as it were, and producing strips so disgusting that I feel compelled to discuss them! Today’s a real treasure trove of shittiness. The ostensible joke is that Marvin “breaks in” his new baby sitter by taking massive dumps, which in ordinary circumstances would be horrifying enough, but the strip’s visuals really take it to the next level! Specifically, take a look at how her hands wrap around Marvin’s butt. They look way too big, don’t they? And the fingers aren’t clearly delineated? It almost looks as if the colorists mistook Marvin’s diaper for her hands and gave it a caucasian flesh tone fill, but it seems pretty clear that those are thumbs wrapping around his waist, so I guess we have no choice but to see this strip for what it is: a depiction of a baby sitter with weird, diaper-esque hands wrapped around the butt of a grinning baby who’s cheerfully thought-ballooning about the volume and/or quality of feces he’s expelling while she grimaces in what appears to be physical pain.

Shoe, 6/6/16

This is one in a long line of vaguely dirty jokes made about Missouri’s genuinely funny state motto, but I’m having a good time thinking about it literally. There are about six million people who live in Missouri. Imagine them all lined up along the Mississippi River, hundreds and hundreds of miles of them, all dropping their pants and waggling their butts at their disgusted neighbors in Illinois. It would be soothing. Hypnotic, even.

Judge Parker, 6/6/16

Hey, remember that article I wrote about the Silicon Valley billionaire who secretly orchestrated Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker as part of a long-running revenge plot? Well that’s going to look like a gentle hug compared to what the Spencer-Drivers have in store for this no-good reporter. They’ll probably have the special ops team they have on call disappear her to some black site, forever. Coverage of Spencer-Driver business interests are gonna get a lot more fawning, in a hurry.

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Shoe, 5/28/16

FUN FACT ABOUT WHAT A NERD I AM: I read this punchline and for a brief moment thought it was a joke about the UK’s notoriously lax libel laws, instead of what it actually is, which is a joke about how Shoe has lots of ex-wives who hate him, haw haw. Meanwhile, here’s a question for discussion: are they talking about the normal human-ruled England we know and love, or some in-universe bird-ruled England, with a bird queen and a bird Prime Minister and a bird Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer and a Parliament that’s knee deep in bird shit?

Blondie, 5/28/16

You have to almost admire Dagwood’s phone shouting technique, in which he holds the phone directly in front of his face and shouts into it as loudly as he can. You also have to admit that if you were an ISP employee or NSA spy and were snooping around someone’s email, you’d probably expect a conversation with pete@porkapalooza.com to be at least mildly sexually titillating.

Judge Parker, 5/28/16

I can’t tell if this is yet another example of “ancillary characters in Judge Parker sacrifice to make the insanely wealthy protagonists even richer,” or if Neddy is so insanely wealthy that she just has no idea what an actual normal salary looks like.