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Six Chix, 4/14/14

One of my running jokes that at some level in my mind may not actually be a joke involves the disposal of my remains after my death: in accordance with my will, I will be taxidermied and mounted in a heroic pose — I’m thinking wearing a bearskin and wielding a spear, though of course I will leave room for the whims of the artist — and whichever of my heirs intends to inherit my no doubt vast fortune will be required to display me prominently in their living room. But upon seeing today’s Six Chix, I of course immediately imagined another funeral scenario: a life-sized, anatomically correct chocolate replica of my mortal form would be covered in gold foil and laid out on a bier; after paying their respects, the assembled mourners would be required to peel back the foil and eat the effigy before anyone would be permitted to leave. The best part? Since only the first idea involves my actual corpse, we could do both.

Mark Trail, 4/14/14

Congrats to James Allen, who comments here as The Real Mark Trail, and who has officially taken over for Jack Elrod as Mark Trail’s scribe, transforming the Elrod-ball into the Allen-orb! And he gives us a look at the much darker and edgier direction he’ll be taking the strip right away. Geese, as everyone who has ever lived near a body of water knows, are the worst. They poop everywhere, they’re mean to other birds, they can be extremely aggressive with people, and have huge, powerful wings with which they can impose their cruel will. And yet Mark is an ally with this particular goose-gang, even knowing their leader by name! Welcome to Mark Trail 2.0, where the title character is much more morally ambiguous. Consorting with geese! My word.

Judge Parker, 4/14/14

The parents of the happy couple have been getting on like gangbusters over the course of this wedding weekend, but today we’re learning the real difference between a privileged jurist who dabbles in spy novels and a hardened, amoral arms dealer. While Abbott assembles his own ad hoc army, Alan can only sputter indignantly at how gauche the attacking gang of rival mercenaries is being. “Don’t they know we’re having a wedding here? Don’t they know who I am?”

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 4/13/14

Yes, the pin is on the wrong side, proving that she took the picture in the mirror! Also, Dabney Dog isn’t actually in the picture, so even if it hadn’t been taken in the mirror, it would prove nothing? Look, Cassandra, I know it’s frustrating that Sly refuses to get a smartphone so you can’t send him all the hottt selfies you take, but this elaborate scheming is not the way to get him to pay attention to you, OK?

Also, I’m pretty sure that the theoretical mirror that Cassandra took this picture in would have to be more or less where the viewer is looking into this scene? There’s something profound there about the fourth wall and how this strip merely “mirrors” our own prejudices back at us (prejudices about sexy cats and the foxes who won’t love them back).

Six Chix, 4/13/14

I’m very curious about how the bitcoin aficionado community will take this cartoon! On the one hand, their favorite fake internet nerd money has now been name-checked in the Sunday comics, surely the most mainstream of American cultural institutions. Also, while comparing bitcoin to the “magic beans” of the Jack in the Beanstalk story might sound dismissive, we should remember that Jack’s beans really were magical, and indeed did help make him rich in an unexpected way, so that’s also ultimately a positive. However, I’m sure they’re quite upset at the vulgarism “bitcoins.” THE PLURAL OF BITCOIN IS “BITCOIN,” PEOPLE, JUST LIKE IT IS WITH “EURO,” UGH, GET IT STRAIGHT

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Six Chix, 3/21/14

Comic Sans: Origins

I always knew it went something like this. The grinning, disfigured jester, seducing his unsuspecting queen into forcing her court monks to create a new font, an abomination whose every blasphemous curve traces the foul arc of Baphomet’s own horn. The trembling monk, sighing “Yes, Majesty” as he struggles to ignore far-off laughter and the whiff of sulfur rising from his quill where it scratches the parchment.

B.C., 3/21/14

The original joke, “I don’t need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you” is at least as old as the human race, which, if you read Genesis 1:31 literally, is just six days less than the age of the universe. The implication is that if dinosaurs existed at all, they must have coexisted with humans — though not for long, if that determined-looking velociraptor has anything to say about it.

Marvin, 3/21/14

Wow, Marvin’s callous abuse of his family is even more repulsive viewed through the lens of post-Edwardian British class structures. And you can bet Team Marvin is right now putting the finishing touches on their next miniseries, Slavemaster Marvin: a Tale of the Old South.

Pluggers, 3/21/14

Pluggers are beyond shame, and no longer even try to hide their depravity. Please, if you know the first thirteen Plugger Theories, in the name of everything holy keep them to yourself.

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P.S. Comments of the Week will appear Monday, when Josh gets back.

— Uncle Lumpy