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Crankshaft, 7/27/17

Much of the “humor” of Crankshaft, arises from the title character saying English words or phrases that do not actually mean what he intends them to mean, of course, but I admit to being genuinely baffled by why he’s grumpily lobbing the phrase “old-timers” at this intergenerational sex awkwardness. My best guess is that he’s mocking his daughter and son-in-law for fondly remembering a youth in which some light boob-touching in a movie theater was considered an highly anticipated erotic act, since he now uses the family computer and his copious free time to mainline the most depraved pornography humankind has ever produced.

Beetle Bailey, 7/27/17

Shoutout to this nurse for being an ally to his female comrade who was hounded out of her duties by Killer’s nonstop sexual harassment. That’s the face of a man who’s definitely going to be upping the frequency of some invasive but necessary medical examinations.

Spider-Man, 7/27/17

God help me, the second panel of today’s Newspaper Spider-Man filled me with pure unalloyed joy. The best part is that Spidey stage-whispering while peeking around a corner to get Mole-Man’s attention out here in the empty hall for no particular reason, but I also enjoy the fact that my dude has convinced everyone start calling him “Melvin” but Peter knows that, while in his absurd Spidey persona, he needs to call him “Mole-Man,” in order to keep this whole outlandish superheroics farce going.

Six Chix, 7/27/17

[Begins writing an angry 3,000-world screed about Federal Railroad Administration regs and union contract stipulations about staffing on commuter trains, to be sent to the editor of every single newspaper that runs Six Chix]

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Six Chix, 7/26/17

So wait, has “channel your inner goddess” been about boosting your horniness levels this whole time? I have a lot to learn about … inner goddesses. Horniness. Life in general, honestly.

Dennis the Menace, 7/26/17

GOD DAMN IT DENNIS THIS IS SOME FAMILY CIRCUS-LEVEL WORDPLAY BULLSHIT

YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS

I KNOW YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS AND YOU KNOW IT TOO

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Gil Thorp, 7/24/17

It’s pretty clear what’s happened here: our hapless colorist, befuddled by Mudlarkian banter and unable to tell Trey Davis and Jaquan Case apart when Trey’s mohawk isn’t in view, and made the fateful mistake of emblackening Trey’s partially visible profile in the third panel. Still, it’d be a lot more interesting of Jaquan didn’t just have minor knee surgery, but also a dissociative personality disorder that results in multiple identities jockeying for control. “Maybe I’ll return to the NBA–” [much deeper voice] “IGNORE HIM” “No, I’m just–” “HE’S HAVING AN EARLY MIDLIFE CRISIS” “I can’t let this happen aga–” “KILL! KILL! KILL!”

Lockhorns, 7/24/17

I’ve always been comfortable actually having very little idea about how old the Lockhorns are supposed to be, but I’ve also always been sure that they’ve been somewhere in the 35 to 50 range. Today’s panel seems to undermine everything I thought I knew, though. Unless Leroy has made himself a fake ID so he can get senior discounts? That’s why he loves it. He’s proud to show off his handiwork!

Six Chix, 7/24/17

Ahh, yes, it’s the classic cartoon trope, where you do a riff on the stereotypical adultery discovery where someone blurts out “My wife … and my best friend!” after walking in on them in bed together. Lotta variations have already been done, though! So why not do one where a lady comes into the bedroom and apparently sees a dog having sex with a giant, nightmarish arachnid, a scene that apparently makes her smile slightly and flutter her lashes while the dog looks at her sheepishly and the tick writhes on its back under the covers? Why not do that? Why not print it in newspapers across the country? Why not let everyone know that you thought about it, and drew it, and think it’s funny?