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Mark Trail, 3/18/12

Yes, “… this monster will spend his remaining days in an eco-tourism park where he can be admired.” There’s so very much to admire about this ravenous ocean brute: his winning smile, obvious relish munching on that poor doomed zebra, determination to run down a tasty bird-snack, and handsome striped tail thrashing in anguish as strangely impassive villagers reel him in. Sure, maybe he can’t crush a turtle, but let’s not quibble.

So if you ever find yourself in the vast, impoverished marsh district 500 miles southeast of Manila, stop by and check in on our pal here — but if you do, take a Nature Tip from Mark Trail and stay indoors at all times. Seriously, you could get killed out there.

Blondie (panels), 3/18/12

Speaking of monsters, check out the Blondie-narwhal. Crocodiles of the deep, you have been warned! YOW!

Slylock Fox (panel), 3/18/12

Psst — the bird did it. Killed the fish, too! Ask the spider.

Heaven’s Love Thrift Shop, 3/18/12

My favorite parable is the one about the Unjust Steward (Luke 16:1–13), in the telling of which Jesus appears to endorse sharp dealing, hanging out with a bad crowd, and outright fraud. Its deeper message is that children of God should be as practical preparing for the Hereafter as children of mammon are for the Here and Now.

In this Sunday-only (natch) comic, child of God Dag is so mightily upset that his bosses (Wilson and Cassidy) think he should set out on his own that he threatens to, um, stay? Maybe a little more attention to the Things of This World wouldn’t be such a bad thing? Things like punchlines?

The Phantom, 3/18/12

It’s hard out here for a Nemesis. Injured during his botched Phantom-killing mission, Eric Sahara (The Nomad!) hitchhikes back to his jet and scuttles off to his ramshackle desert retreat — the one with the sharp left turn in the airstrip. Seriously, his badass predecessor Chatu would just be embarrassed.

Also: worst minion ever — Beast Man can breathe easy at last.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/26/12

I had always hoped that, if there were anywhere in America where the bane of helicopter parenting had yet to arrive, it was Hootin’ Holler. And yet here we have the Smifs hovering intrusively over their toddler instead of just letting him engage in the sort of non-supervised play in a trash-strewn backyard that made Americans from previous generations healthy and strong (those that survived, anyway). My one consolation is that Snuffy is still pretty bad at this, having stuck li’l Tater in a dog house that’s almost certainly filthy beyond description.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 2/26/12

I suppose that Loretta needed to be in the back seat in order for this joke to work (to the extent that you would consider this a “joke” that “works”), but that still doesn’t solve the mystery of who this grim-faced fellow is in the front seat. He sort of looks as he’s being driven somewhere by the Lockhorns to be done in execution-style and dumped in a shallow grave, but if that were the case he’d probably be happier to see this cop, so I’m assuming that he’s just listened to them talk for 15 or 20 minutes and has now completely lost his ability to feel joy.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/26/12

It seems that Rodney Rat has graduated from eager teenage grifter to “career criminal,” with sunglasses and everything. It makes me a little sad that he’s hit this elevated status in his criminal trajectory while his much awesomer relative Reeky is left back in the small time. I also question the practicality of the rope-lasso as a prisoner-retainment device, which may help explain why Rodney gets to make a career out of his criminality.

Panel from Mary Worth, 2/26/12

Mary, no! You don’t have anything to prove to her! YOU’RE LETTING HER INSIDE YOUR HEAD!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/19/12

You know how I pedantically insist on calling this strip “Barney Google and Snuffy Smith,” even though original main character Barney Google hasn’t appeared in it in years, having long ago helped it transition from “Roaring Twenties City Lowlife Humor” to “Depression-Era Hillbilly Humor”? Well, hold onto your hats because Barney’s back, baby. He isn’t named here but you can tell by his goo-goo-googly eyes (and a quick Google Image search).

I was thinking that Barney’s visit to Hootin’ Holler would be a happy occasion full of mischief and hijinks, but then it occurred to me: how bad must things be in the flatlands to get a fancy fellow like Barney to flee up to this impoverished rathole? He’s probably just a few hours ahead of the roving cannibal gangs. And the rest of Sunday’s comics weren’t that much cheerier!

Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/19/12

Like, things are getting pretty grim down at the trailer park! With the nearby forest having been stripped bare (you can see one of the sad few remaining trees in the background), the local mobile home denizens have resorted to burning their own furniture for heat. Or, in Reeky’s case, other people’s furniture.

Six Chix, 2/19/12

Over in Six Chix, a child’s penchant for thoughtless violence has angered a species of advanced aliens with the capability of interstellar flight. Best-case scenario: Our conquest and enslavement. Worst-case scenario: Earth vaporized by a powerful space-based death-ray.

Curtis, 2/19/12

And in Curtis, we learn that Gunther’s spacey bonhomie masks a deep and unshakeable longing for death.