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Slylock Fox, 12/12/06

I’m going to admit it right here in front of the whole world: I like Slylock Fox. I can’t really handle the brain teasers, which I don’t have the attention span for and which I think are kind of rigged anyway, but I enjoy the wealth of detail in the artwork: there’s clearly a lot of thought that goes into it. Today, for instance, we get a little wordless vignette of jealousy and betrayal. I’m sure our older, exotic Mediterranean waitress has been over-smiled at by many a teen boy, but that doesn’t make our all-American girlfriend feel any better. Also, the restaurant appears to be lousy with cats, in violation of the city health code.

Luann, 12/12/06

Just in time for Christmas, it’s … A Very Puddles Christmas! Featuring Puddles, the tiny, sleepy, non-trick-doing dog! And Emily the mail lady, his best friend! (See, dogs and US Post Office employees can get along!) Join us as Puddles takes a magical journey to see Santa! He’ll learn a lot about himself and the real meaning of Christmas, and about just how important family is! Also, there will be urination jokes!

Seriously, what the hell is this. Talking dog? Talking, bipedal dog? This is very much not what Luann is about. Can’t we get back to the Brad house renov … er, I mean the Brand-Toni-Di … er, no wait, I mean Luann and Aaro … no, how about Luann and Gunth … um, maybe Bernice and Zan … oh, whatever, bring on the elves.

Mary Worth, 12/12/06

You know, Ella, I wouldn’t throw around the “w” word if I were you, as I’m betting the condo association has some pretty strict rules about the dark arts. I’d hate to see the next Chaterstone Pool Party feature you getting burned at the stake.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/12/06

HAW HAW! Now here’s some political commentary we can all get behind! Those politicians! They think one thing and say another! It seems as if their chief goal is getting re-elected! Sometimes they are corrupt and unethical! You tell ’em, Grandpa Jim!

Is it just me, or is peppering an aphasic with questions about his aphasia as he sits there in frustrated silence some kind of cruel joke? “Say, Mr. Patterson, that’s a nice watch. Do you mind if I take it? If you mind, just say something … now. OK, guess I’ll be taking it, then!”

Apartment 3-G, 12/12/06

Another excellent diagnosis, Nurse Thompson! I’m assuming by “feverish,” you mean “coked to the gills.”

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Slylock Fox, Blondie, and Rex Morgan, M.D. 12/6/06

Ye cats, it’s a panoply of intertextuality in the funnies! Slylock Fox gets in on the Blondie 75th anniversary a year and a half late and simultaneously shows us all too vividly what Dagwood’s freakish, apple-shaped skull is really like; a little girl walks by and looks on with the appropriate degree of horror. Meanwhile, back at chez Bumstead, Alexander is living out his fantasies of being a tattooed, mulletted meth-dealing bad-ass. The real Elvis and his tough but still thoughtful and compassionate crime boss refuse to acknowledge this winking series of in-jokes, as befits the serious nature of this strip.

What does not befit the serious nature of this strip, however, is the name “Eightball.” Eightball. It’s the most hilarious thing that’s happened to me this week, and I shall savor it like a fine wine. I hope that, after Rex, June, and Abby the Wonderdog inevitably take the troubled and now orphaned Niki under their collective wing, Elvis and Eightball manage to escape the long arm of the law together and get their own spin-off strip, or, even better, a TV show on Fox. “He keeps a level head when things go bad … and knows how to get out when the getting’s good! He’s got a short fuse … and isn’t afraid to smack a kid in the face! Together, they’re … Elvis and Eightball!” They could put it on right after Prison Break.

Momma, 12/6/06

When someone mashes together an e-mail address and a URL like this, you sort of get the impression that they’ve never actually seen a computer, but have had one described to them.

Mary Worth, 12/6/06

The Mr. Dent vs. Ella drama has ground on even more slowly than is typical for Mary Worth, but there’s always a payoff in this feature eventually. In this case, it arrives today, as we’re shown exactly what it would look like if Thomas Dewey were angered by a 92-year-old prostitute and paid her especially contemptuously.

Plugger, 12/6/06

Since nobody’s actually used one since 1998, I’m pretty sure that a plugger beeper is actually a beeper.

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Marmaduke, 12/1/06

Have you ever noticed that Marmaduke is allowed to just wander aimlessly around the streets of wherever it is that he lives, more or less unmolested by the long arm of the law? Today we may be learning why: he keeps homeless people from sleeping on the benches of this bucolic suburban town. Don’t listen to him, Marmaduke! Everyone knows the hobos keep old, stale bits of food in their beards for safekeeping! Keep rooting around in there!

The Phantom, 12/1/06

I’d love to see exactly what those resumes look like. “Longtime lackey seeking situation as assistant to thuggish crime lord. Skills include simpering, dodging shoes and crockery thrown in anger, Microsoft Office. References: Unfortunately all in prison and/or incinerated.”

Slylock Fox, 12/1/06

Good lord, can’t these kids engage in a little bit of childish fun — like lowering a head-sized slice of cake down from a treehouse — without every carbon-based form of life in the neighborhood staring at them with blank, expressionless faces? I’d be pretty creeped out if I were them. The dude with his nose over the top of the fence is particularly disturbing.

Crankshaft, 12/1/06

Crankshaft proves that, like its sister strip Funky Winkerbean, it too can bring the gut-churning bleakness. I love the expressions in the second panel: Everyone, particularly the young alterna-teen, seems angry and humiliated by the ‘shaft’s antics, and the old coot’s own face indicates that he’s all too aware that his own family mainly sees him as an embarrassment. This should be a fun dinner. The only bright spot is the hostess, who appears to have been charmed Crankshaft’s little joke. Maybe this is the first time she’s heard it, which means that she’s probably been working there for less than forty-five minutes.