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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/30/20

Slylock seems pretty confident that Count Weirdly is lying about being anointed King of Earth by a powerful alien civilization, based on a firm belief that, as described by special relativity, the speed of light is in fact the upper limit at which information can travel. Of course, Count Weirdly has a working time machine, which you’d think would prove that ordinary physical laws don’t apply to him. You’d also think his powers to bend time itself would help him establish his rule over our planet without needing alien intervention on his behalf, but that’s a debate for another time.

Gasoline Alley, 8/30/20

Gasoline Alley is, along with The Simpsons, the last media franchise on Earth still trying to squeeze laughs out of Frank Nelson’s character from The Jack Benny Show. This Nelson-ish fellow has been annoying the Gasoline Alley crew intermittently over the years, and today has proven that even death can’t stop his antics. Still, we shouldn’t let the appearance of this beloved (?) figure distract us from the true horror here, which is that Walt, who was almost finally freed from his cursed, interminable earthly existence and was ready to receive his reward from his Creator, is being dragged back down to the plane of the living on the orders of a cruel family that simply will not let him die.

Shoe, 8/30/20

In the Shoe world of sapient birds, there is no pan-avian solidarity. Different bird species still see themselves in competition, and boast that they would certainly never be dismembered and eaten at human-run fast food restaurants! The fact that whole international businesses exist to murder and cook intelligent creatures isn’t the problem, the problem is actually that some of those creatures are too inherently dumb to avoid getting captured and processed into lunch. Pretty grim, if you ask me!

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 7/12/20

Slylock isn’t panicking because he knows that, due to the square-cube law, you can’t simply make an animal bigger but keep its proportions and functions otherwise the same: its mass increases more quickly than its surface area, and the physics that allow its anatomy to work would simply fail in a much larger version of the creature. This poor monstrosity is no doubt dying in agony right now, its internal organs collapsing under their own weight! (If you’re wondering how Slylock being a human-sized fox fits in with all this, the answer is he’s actually normal fox sized and anything you see to the contrary is just Lord of the Rings-style forced perspective trickery.)

Dustin, 7/12/20

Dustin: come for the pointless intergenerational warfare, stay for an extremely unpleasant new euphemism for genitals!

Hagar the Horrible, 7/12/20

Another victory of the working class over the bosses who would divide them! War is a racket, kids!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/20

The greatest love story every written keeps getting more romantic, everybody

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Shoe, 6/8/20

As I’ve said here before, probably the thing I’ll be remembered for the longest is coining the term nephewism for a fictional scenario where a child lives with an uncle or aunt and their parents are neve mentioned, and while I used it first to identify the relationship between Peter Parker and Aunt May and Uncle Ben, it really applies to the Perfesser and Skyler in Shoe even better, as nobody ever made a series of Shoe movies starring Andrew Garfield as Skyler where they tried and largely failed to get people excited about what happened to his parents. Anyhoo, it seems like nephewism is hereditary in the Shoeniverse, as Roz assumes that the Perfesser is talking about his own uncle, who she probably knows as his own closest relative, and she assumes that he’s helping to care for him in his old age. But he’s not. We’ve never seen this uncle in this strip, and the Perfesser clearly never thinks about him much. He’s not his dad, after all. I think you can tell by his heavy-liddle look of despair that he might be starting to realize that someday Skyler will treat him the same way.

Mark Trail, 6/8/20

Folks, Mark has been really casual about Andy going missing and now we know why: he’s hoping to mine #content from the poor dog’s trauma! Mark can brag all he wants about writing being a “good career for me to provide for my family,” but nothing generates revenue like viral clickbait pet stories, so Andy better Incredible Journey it back to Lost Forest real quick.

Slylock Fox, 6/8/20

Wait, none of Count Weirdly’s fucked up inventions are grounded??? Good lord, it’s a miracle he hasn’t burned his castle down!