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Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/10/19

I’m not even going to go into the insane “solution” to this puzzle — Smitty went in and “stole every item he had purchased earlier”? So it’s like he’s helping himself to a two-for-one deal? Also polygraphy is bunk, but not even its defenders would claim that it’s precise enough to indicate unambiguous truth-telling when someone is giving a narrowly tailored answer that is technically true but hides a larger lie? — and instead just want to point out Buford Bull is a well-known member of Slylock’s rogues gallery. How do we know that Buford isn’t making a false accusation of theft as part of some kind of insurance scam? It’s clear how Slylock and the animal regime he represents assesses a criminal vs. criminal dispute: when in doubt, blame H. sapiens.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/10/19

There’s a lot to unpack in today’s Snuffy Smith throwaway panels, guys. At first, it seems that Snuffy is saying his wedding to Loweezy was a “shotgun wedding,” a term typically used to denote a scenario in which a young woman has become pregnant out of wedlock, and her family uses the threat of violence to coerce her paramour to legally bind himself to her and their future child. This seems to reveal some unexpected details about the world-building of the strip: it implies that Loweezy and Snuffy were unmarried lovers relatively recently, for instance, seeing as Tater is still a pre-verbal toddler. And what about Jughaid, a nephew of one or the other of them? He’s got to be at least 9 or 10 years old: does that mean that he was already dependent on Snuffy or Loweezy before they got together? Or was the orphaned lad put into their care specifically because they had formed a stable home?

But here’s an important detail: what brings up memories of Snuffy’s wedding day isn’t the sight of shotguns, but the sound of them — lots of them. That doesn’t sound like the somewhat ritualized coercion that can precede weddings brought about by unplanned pregnancies; it sounds a lot more like an ambush. In cultures where the authority of a central state is tenuous, kinship is all important, and blood feuds last generations, from the Appalachians to Afghanistan, weddings and other family gatherings are often a site of violence. Maybe Jughaid’s parents died that day, and by Holler Law he was subsequently adopted by the surviving couple.

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 2/10/19

Ha ha, it’s funny because years in the army have left Sarge more comfortable killing his fellow human beings than interacting with them in social situations!

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Blondie, 2/3/19

A thing that happens with sitcoms is that the characters often “heighten” over the years, becoming wackier and less moored to reality. A good example is Winston on New Girl, who began the show as one of the most grounded of the main characters and ended it as wildly, hilariously eccentric. Now keep in mind that even the most popular sitcoms rarely last more than seven or eight seasons, and compare that to legacy comic strips, which run for decades. Sometime in the 89-year history of Blondie, someone decided that Dagwood had a big appetite, and now … now look at this. Look at his Super Bowl dining plans. This is a suicide note, is what this is. Blondie is leaving because she doesn’t want to see her husband’s gruesome end; Mr. Dithers is there in a last ditch effort to save his employee by absorbing some of the damage.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/3/19

I don’t feel like turning this panel over, but maybe the tree-monster will have a hard time hiding because it has glowing, nightmarish red eyes??? And a huge, gaping maw, an inky black portal to who knows what terror-void? And probably it wheezes, or moans, or makes other noises one might expect from an abomination against nature? Burn it, I say. Burn it to ashes as soon as you can!

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Mary Worth, 1/13/19

Toby and Ian … a study in contrasts. Toby is paralyzed with fear that her husband might be succumbing to the charms of a younger woman, and is so insecure she’s afraid to even bring the subject up because she thinks it’ll make her look weak. Ian, meanwhile, is all like, “Damn, this is some good fish! Toby sure fried the hell out of this fish. She seems lost in thought tonight, so I guess I can just go ahead and eat it with my hands.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/13/19

OK, fine, Brayden isn’t turning out to be a little brat at all, but rather a weird tiny adult like pre-amnesia Sarah, though I will treasure the sentence “I’m sure it’ll be smooth sailing from here on, Brayden.” But anyway, now it’s clear that Rex and Brayden are gonna be on a team together against Loud-Shirted Drunken Lout! This flight’s just getting started and I’ll bet there’s plenty of drunken loutery in store!

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/13/19

OK, fine, they’re in Germany. But why is it so important to know what country they’re in? Well, look at the pigs in the pen, the birds, the snake, the rabbits — unclothed, non bipedal, with dull, lifeless eyes. Here is one place, even after the animapocalypse, where animals are still animals. And are people still people? Sly and Max are right to be afraid.