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Judge Parker, 7/11/16

I don’t really have the strength to get into the various nuances of the Sophie-Derek-Honey triangle, or how the details have shifted over time to make Sophie look better. I just want to enjoy Derek’s hilarious pissyface in panel one. Look at that thing! It’s almost like he thought inviting two girls who like him but hate each other on this trip was a good idea and the scenario was going to work out great for him and everyone else involved. Sorry Derek!

Gil Thorp, 7/11/16

Is this funeral in a church? I really want Tru to have his full on nihilist breakdown in a church. “Some things are just random. No omniscient deity guides us towards an ending that was meant to be! Nothing has any meaning!” [clergyman attempts to drag him away] “Get your hands off me, you charlatan!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/11/16

Meanwhile, in the “Rex found valuable comic books under the floorboard of his attic” plot, Rex’s pals are putting the valuable comic books that have been slowly mouldering under the floorboards of Rex’s attic for decades into protective sleeves, apparently under the misapprehension that protective sleeves work retroactively.

Slylock Fox, 7/11/16

You know, considering how often Slylock has Max and Melanie over socially, you’d think he’d get some chairs they could actually sit in.

(Psst! Today’s the twelfth anniversary of the day I started this blog by writing a pissy screed about Non Sequitur, for some reason! Thanks to everyone who’s been reading for twelve years or twelve minutes. It’s still fun and you’re all great!)

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Mark Trail, 6/27/16

Oh man, so after dragging on for a really long time, the Mark Trail cave adventure ended … extremely abruptly? Mark swam out through an underground passage and then Gabe and Carina followed shortly afterwards and they all emerged in the Rio Grande, the end! Suddenly, two years earlier, some wealthy couple is wrapping up their South Seas cruise on their gynormous yacht. The key questions we need to ask ourselves: Why are we seeing this in flashback? Will Mark and company stumble upon the wreckage of this yacht in the present, and need to figure out why it exploded? Because let’s make one thing absolutely clear: that boat is definitely going to explode.

Slylock Fox, 6/27/16

Oh my God, this is the most horrifying Slylock Fox mystery solution yet. We now know that the animapocalypse granted sapience to animals at all levels of the food chain, no matter how short their lifespan. “Here, try this so-called ‘magic potion,'” Slylock says to the mayfly, its mind already in a constant whirling panic over its impending mortality. “Maybe you’ll be able to stave off your inevitable death for another few days! Please, it’s for science.”

Crankshaft, 6/27/16

Newspaper comics creators have of course sworn a solemn oath to protect their shrinking revenues from print syndication: they must never read newspapers online. Some of them refuse to even acknowledge that newspapers put their articles on the internet; others, like Crankshaft, realize that this is an important part of the modern media landscape, but have no idea how online news works, per se. Fun fact: my very first grown-up job was at an “online magazine” where we published like 16-20 articles a month, and we published them to our website all at the same time, on the 20th of each month! This was in 1999.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/27/16

“What? No, they’re going to cut our funding. What the hell is wrong with you?”

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/12/16

Guys, I spent a lot more time than I’m comfortable with trying to figure out what exactly in God’s name is going on here. It took me a while to make the leap from the anti-union propaganda in the throwaway panels to the Clampetts, who I had forgotten were the titular oil-rich Beverly Hillbillies. While I’ve never actually seen an episode of the show (side note: there are 274 of them), I understand from the theme song lyrics that Jed Clampett became a petro-millionaire after he stumbled upon oil seeping out of the ground while he was “shootin’ at some food.” Snuffy and Lukey seem to be engaged in some cargo cult oil exploration, unaware that the mineral rights to everything under Hootin’ Holler were sold to a Halliburton subsidiary years ago.

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/12/16

I take it back, OK? I take back what I said about the new writer stopping the nonstop flow of cash into the Morgans’ bank accounts/sock drawers/comical burlap sacks with dollar signs on the side of them. That kind of thing does happen (to the Morgans), and it’s going to keep on happening, forever.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/12/16

Check it out: Shady’s down there looking for his lost jewels without the fancy underwater breathing apparatus Slylock and Max have. That’s why he always stays one step ahead, even when they foil his plots: he works harder and does more with less. You’ll never take him alive, coppers! Probably because he’s about to drown.