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Spider-Man, 3/8/13

Haha, panel one’s Depressed Scientist Guy With Mustache is my new all-time favorite ancillary Newspaper Spider-Man character! “Man, I thought getting off the publish-or-perish treadmill of academia would be better for my working conditions and mental health, but this is terrible. Doesn’t this oaf know you can’t hurry science? And what about my bonus? I was promised bonuses for private sector work!” Meanwhile, one of Kingpin’s lackeys is already ghostwriting Faster! Work Faster!: Leadership Strategies From America’s Most Innovative Supervillain, which will become a #1 best seller at airport bookstores nationwide.

Beetle Bailey, 3/8/13

The Halftracks don’t just live forever locked in an awful, passive-aggressive struggle with each other that neither can win or even enjoy! They also live in their own filth.

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Spider-Man, 3/6/13

We make fun of Newspaper Spider-Man as a character here a lot, and for entirely justified reasons. But we must save some pity for the other characters exiled to the Newspaper Spider-Man universe as well! Take for instance the Kingpin, whose main villainous super-characteristic seems to be his bulk. In a fair comic-book universe, he might be expected to display his displeasure by, say, theatrically bending an iron bar in half or something; instead, he’s reduced to busting up his entirely ordinary white-collar workstation. Tune in tomorrow when Ted King, assistant director of the accounts receivables department, must sheepishly ask IT for a new keyboard!

Mary Worth, 3/6/13

I think we can say with a certain degree of confidence that Nice But Nervous-Looking Lady Moving Into 3E will end up helping Tom Harpman forget his ex-wife and love again, despite the arbitrary disapproval of Mean-Faced Old Lady Also Moving Into 3E Who Is Probably Nice But Nervous-Looking Lady’s Mother. Still, I think it would be great if this were an entirely new storyline, and the Tale of Tom Harpman were at nine days the shortest Mary Worth plot on record. “Turns out the guy keeps to himself because he’s sad and divorced. Likes soup, though. Let’s never talk about him again. So, how about Apartment 3E, right?”

Edge City, 3/6/13

I have significantly less tolerance for dwelling on Edge City’s obsessive neurotic antics than Uncle Lumpy does, but I do admit a certain queasy fascination with seeing how explicit this “the characters explore B&D” storyline will get, so, here you go: obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin tops from the bottom.

Pluggers, 3/6/13

Plugger diversity is when a bunch of different brands of tires are owned by white people.

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Apartment 3-G, 2/27/13

Wow, now I’m really bummed that they’ve made Margo’s parents boring, because that guarantees that the sex scene that’s starting today will be super dull.

Herb and Jamaal, 2/27/13

“Mommy, the floor is covered in broken glass!” “Whatever, kids, walk around it. It’s the weekend!”

Spider-Man, 2/27/13

“Sooo, that missile is heading … more or less towards the water, right? Probably less than a one in three chance that it will land on those houses near the beach, or will kick up a blast wave that will spread damage for miles. Certainly no reason for us to not just spend the next twenty minutes telling each other how great we are!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/27/13

“‘Pick your gay nephew to manage the property, Melissa,’ I said to myself. ‘The gay nephew won’t turn it into a stripper party house,’ I said. Oh, my beautiful plans, all shattered in pieces at my feet!”