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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/29/18

Oh, hey, we’ve moved on from the low-key looming-nuptial-derived happiness of one boring Rex Morgan, M.D., ancillary couple to the low-key looming nuptial-derived happiness of another boring Rex Morgan, M.D., ancillary couple! I like how Corey is really playing along here, asking all the questions necessary for exposition, until finally he gets to the last panel and he just can’t take it anymore. “Ugh, I wouldn’t have to go with you, would I? That sounds boring as hell! Just driving around looking at dull-ass shit, hanging out with you two chumps staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. No thanks! I’m just gonna stay here with my video games!”

Spider-Man, 7/29/18

Of course, it’s always an absolute delight to see Peter Parker abruptly and unexpectedly bludgeoned into unconsciousness, but let’s not sleep on Peter’s hilarious and deluded self-talk in the leftmost panel in the bottom row. “Maybe if I can round that corner and escape, roughly six feet away from where they’re chasing after me at full speed, they’ll give up! It’s totally possible they haven’t yet developed object permanence and will literally think that, if they can’t see me, I no longer exist! It’s worth a shot!”

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Beetle Bailey, 7/28/18

There are so many unsettling aspects about the Halftrack’s marital life, and I’d say that one of the absolute worst is Mrs. Halftrack’s weirdly sublimated horniness. Today’s installment makes it seem like she’s doing vaguely sexy mommy play and then takes a turn to the sexy doggy play and, you know what, normally I don’t endorse the General’s obvious and untreated alcoholism but I’m here to say now: I get it.

Spider-Man, 7/28/18

I don’t pretend to know how exactly the Newspaper Spider-Man Universe maps onto other Marvel continuities, but it’s true that there are tons of other superheroes out there — Iron Man! Wolverine! Black Widow! So, while Peter’s antagonists might eventually realize he’s no ordinary reporter, I’m not sure they’re going to associate “not getting stabbed” as a spider-specific power.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/28/18

It’s pretty funny that Rex assumes Jordan will be catering his own wedding, but, when you think about it, Jordan is Avery’s driver and manservant, and therefore is part of the underclass. He can’t hire anyone to cook for him! He’s a guy who people hire to cook! It just doesn’t make sense!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/28/18

Does … does Mason think they give out Emmys for trite wordplay, or

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Blondie, 7/18/18

Blondie is of course absurdly scrupulous about never using actual brand names in the strip. I’ll accept “Online To-Go” as Dagwood trying to come up with a generic phrase that describes the process of ordering food from various apps whose names he cannot be bothered to remember, but the real problem becomes apparent in panel two, as, faced with the prospect of having to come up with four names in short order, the strip verges from the dopey (“Cheesey Chuck’s”) to the uncanny valley of restaurant names (“Copogna’s,” “Gleerou’s” (?)).

Spider-Man, 7/18/18

The Newspaper Spider-Man strip is finally starting to explain one of its longest-standing mysteries, which is: what exactly are the parameters of its hero’s “spider sense” in this iteration of the spideyverse, and what good is it if it can’t, say, prevent its hero from bludgeoned with a pipe or a club, or just bonked on the head by falling masonry? Well, a few weeks ago we learned that Spider-Man has to be paying attention in order for spider-sense to work (which, if you were paying attention, why would you … need spider-sense in the first place?). Today nicely demonstrates that this is a particular problem for our hero because he is in fact extremely distractible. “OK, my spider-sense is tingling very powerfully, which means I have to pay very careful attention to my surroundings in order to avoid dang–OH MY GOD THAT DOOR IS SLIGHTLY AJAR THIS IS AMAZING”