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My Cage, 2/16/09

So, here’s the thing: I got laid off from my last office job nearly nine years ago, started doing freelance editorial work to earn money until I got a new job, realized I could make a living doing freelance editorial work, and have worked at home ever since. This has dovetailed nicely with two key aspects of my personality, namely that I am (a) kind of a misanthropic shut-in and (b) kind of a slob. Why on earth would I want to earn money by shaving and showering and leaving the house, when I’d just have to interact with other humans when I got there? My wife pointed out a newspaper article to me recently about these nice people in Baltimore, who look like they have a great, fun community for freelancers that encourages collaboration and innovation and you would have force me at gunpoint to start going there to work.

But one thing I do have is some nice ties, and some fun shirts that I like and that would totally work as business casual when the weather’s nice. And yet I never get to wear the ties, except at weddings (and virtually all of our friends are married off now) and I don’t wear the shirts often enough, because, you know, if I’m just going to sit in my home office, wouldn’t it more appropriate to wear pajama pants and a ratty t-shirt I got from a trade show ten years ago?

This is just a roundabout way of saying that I kind of relate to Bridget and Norm here. If, by some catastrophe, I had to start leaving the house to earn my keep, the one thing that would stave off utter despair would be the idea of getting to wear some nice clothes once in a while. And even that would only last for a year, tops.

Mary Worth, 2/16/09

We’ve been denied the joys of a Chaterstone Pool Party the last several times Mary Worth plots have shifted gears, but at least we’ll get to spend the next who knows how long enjoying that terrific MW mainstay: The Incredibly Awkward Dinner! Nation’s Geography Magazine sounds like it’s an attempt to almost but not quite earn an angry lawsuit from the National Geographic Society, but I prefer to believe that it’s a more edgy publication that presents the sort of stories that the fuddy-duddies over at National Geographic would be too scared to run. “That’s right, Mary — I’ve seen some things you wouldn’t believe! I spent nine months with the Shining Path in the Peruvian jungle, where we lived in the ruins of Incan cities and tortured class enemies for their crimes against the proletariat. As for the year I spent in Bucharest with those child prostitutes — well, let’s just say I did some things I’m not proud of, but my editors understood my commitment to total immersion journalism.” Dr. Jeff, disgruntled that someone else is attempting to be the center of conversation, clumsily interrupts by boasting of his time in Southeast Asia; presumably Ted will respond with a charming series of anecdotes about burned villages and necklaces made of human ears.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/16/09

Rex spent most of Sunday insisting that June avoid the ship’s tap water due to the Norwalk outbreak raging onboard; apparently, though, the rest of the passengers are to be kept in the dark about this, which is probably OK as none of them are drinking water anyway. Still, I look forward to future installments in which Rex makes sure that his family gets first dibs on medicine and lifeboat space.

Spider-Man, 2/16/09

I’m no expert on the Spider-Man mythos, but my understanding is that when Aunt May is in trouble and wondering where Peter is as in panel three, he’s usually off fighting crime in his superhero persona, and not transparently using a disaster as an opportunity to get laid.

Judge Parker, 2/16/09

“There will only be one Judge Parker, dad! Because now, in accordance with ancient judicial tradition, I must ritually bludgeon you to death with your gavel, and then marry my own stepmother. Thanks for picking a second wife who’s more or less my age!”

Marmaduke, 2/16/09

You know, sometimes I think I’m done with “Marmaduke is a terrifying flesh-eating monster” jokes. But then I see panels like this.

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Mary Worth, 2/6/09

I really thought that, once Frank showed up at practice in his hideous green-and-orange checked sweater, I had seen the worst fashion nightmare that this interlude had to offer; it was so grotesque that I barely even registered Mary’s magenta-t-shirt-over-black-long-sleeve-shirt combo. But then he stood up and OH MY GOD THE PANTS THE PANTS! He’s wearing those same damn electric blue sansabelt slacks that every single male in this strip wears, somehow achieving a color combination even more appalling than the sweater alone. It will all make this promised resurrection of Frank and Mary’s “old pair moves” (which, by the way, what the hell) into a vomit-inducing swirl of clashing hues that in any just universe would end on the ice in a heap of shattered bones.

I’m intrigued by the Venn diagram hanging on the wall behind our protagonists. I’m assuming it’s a subliminal message about this pair, showing the overlap between “insufferable know-it-alls who think they’re always right” and “clueless morons who think that profound problems can be fixed very quickly.” The horizontal line at the bottom represents our rapidly shrinking will to live.

Crankshaft, 2/6/09

Say, it’s another cheery Crankshaft funeral strip! At least today’s installment isn’t being used to set up a fart joke. No, instead, the ’Shaft is declaring that every morning that he drags his arthritic, pain-wracked, bile-drenched body out of bed, when all he really wants to do is pass into the great beyond and end his suffering, is an act of vengeance. Who he’s getting revenge on is left unsaid — probably God Himself, Whose creation Crankshaft continues to defile with each day that he clings to life. The ’Shaft’s thousand-mile stare in the final panel seems to indicate that he realizes the enormity of declaring vengeance on his own Creator, but he feels honor-bound to keep it up until the end, when his friends will make terrible puns over his own embalmed corpse or cremains urn.

Spider-Man, 2/9/09

Aww, look at that! It seems that, even though they’re on opposite sides of the law, Spider-Man and Electro have quite a bit in common! See, they both need to find places to hide their costumes from their loved ones, in their microscopic New York homes! Also, despite their spandex-clad fame/notoriety, they’re both hard up for cash to pay their bills! Also, they’re both boneheaded mouth-breathing moronic chumps!

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Mark Trail, 2/2/09

For many years, philosophers have wondered: Is there anything worse than being punched by Mark Trail? One proposal — that it would be worse to be punched twice — was rejected, as such an event would ultimately fall into the category of being punched. Today, however, we learn that it may actually ultimately be more shameful and humiliating to not be punched by Mark Trail. If Mark considered Ken to be at all a worthy opponent, he’d have been knuckle-sandwiched halfway into next week by now. By offering a leisurely rebuttal to Ken’s implied accusations while casually dodging his wild uppercut, then merely immobilizing Ken’s punching hand rather than unleashing his own, Mark essentially implies that Ken isn’t even worth the fist-clenching effort. Our animal-hating conclusion-jumping rage-monster will just have to grow facial hair if he wants Mark to take him seriously.

Archie, 2/2/09

The AJGLU-3000 continues its attempts to communicate with the outside world; however, since its programming only allows communication by means of corny jokes involving the Archie gang, its signals are baffling to biological life units such as myself. Is that creepy face in on the screen in panel two meant to be grinning in cybernetic delight at the prospect of communicating with another form of intelligence? Or is that curvy thing its faux-nose, and the line beneath it its grim, implacable mouth? Either way, the young lady at the keyboard, who is presumably attempting to write her book report on Of Mice And Men or whatever, looks shocked and almost hypnotized at suddenly being confronted with this sign of mechanical sentience. Presumably the monitor will soon be filled with a series of flashing, quarter-second images of static and pulsing color patterns, which will cause her head to explode.

Spider-Man, 2/2/09

Our Spider-Man trip through memory lane reveals that Peter Parker is and always has been the dumbest person of any kind who has ever lived. “It’s hard to hide my Spider-Man costume while I’m a guest at Aunt May’s! I’ll just cram it under the couch cushions in the living room, while she’s right here in front of me! Fortunately, this terrible mauve piece of Depression-era furniture is already so lumpy that there’s no way she’ll feel it when she sits here to watch her stories.”

I was going to suggest that Peter think about storing his costume in his room, where he might have a smidge of privacy, but then I was struck by his description of himself as a “guest.” Maybe Aunt May thinks that he should be living in a dorm, having sex and doing drugs like a normal college student, and thus is trying to get him out of her house by making his stay as awkward and uncomfortable as possible. “Peter, dear, you don’t mind sleeping on the couch, do you? I’d hate to have to take my collection of commemorative Hummel figurines out of the guest bedroom.”

Meanwhile, Electro continues his flashback soliloquy, establishing the fact that he’s both a failure and a dick.

Mary Worth, 2/2/09

“In fact, now that I’m not micromanaging my daughter’s career so much, I have more time to commit to my new supervillain persona, the Harlequin! Say, have you seen my mask? I’ve got a bank to rob!”

Marmaduke, 2/2/09

Marmaduke really likes a buffet.