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Spider-Man, 1/2/09

If there’s one thing you have to respect Spider-Man for, it’s its recognition of its own narrative limitations. A strip with more self-confidence might try to weave a coherent storyline, dropping crucial bits of information in expository dialog that’s been carefully tailored to seem natural, to establish the changed dramatic milieu. But the Spider-Man newspaper strip would fail utterly at that, obviously, so instead it just keeps interrupting itself every few panels to shriek “THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING! IT’S FOR REASONS RELATED TO THE COMIC BOOK, WHICH YOU DON’T READ! ISN’T IT AWESOME AND INTRIGUING?” at you.

By the way, contrary to anything the final panel might have you believe, there will be absolutely no surprises in store in the Spider-Man newspaper strip ever again, or at least not until it makes another arbitrary time/profession/relationship jump eighteen months after something vaguely similar happens in the comic books. “Now Spidey is divorced, working as a systems analyst, and living in Bay Ridge! He’s still a putz, though.”

Marvin, 1/2/09

I have no idea why Marvin, who revels in his non-potty-trained status, is in this grim death-line to the now-extended family’s single toilet. Presumably he’s going to wait until everyone starts feeling really uncomfortable due to nature’s call, then crap in his pants, just because he can.

Apartment 3-G, 1/2/09

It was probably inevitable that the Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly For Tommie’s Love would eventually devolve into The Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly In Which Each Attempts To Fob Tommie’s Love Off Onto The Other.

Ziggy, 1/2/09

Jeez, Ziggy, you’re looking awful mopey there for someone whose pharmacist is scoring him some prescription medication for recreational use. Try to make an effort, huh?

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Hello, everybody! I’m back from my long journey northeastward, re-ensconced in my Baltimore lair, and ready for more comics mockery in 2009! I hope you all had good holiday celebrations of your choice. The question arises, as it does every year, as to just what soap strip offered the weirdest holiday greeting on Christmas day. The contenders:

Mary Worth, 12/25/08

Mary Worth shoehorned in a barely-readable one-line bit of good cheer into the second panel. This served as a depressing counterpoint to Mary’s turn as good cop to Frank’s bad cop in the determined effort to Keep Lynn Skating No Matter What.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/25/08

Rex Morgan, M.D., served up a heartfelt tribute to our troops serving overseas, a vanishingly small percentage of whom have the time or inclination to read Rex Morgan, M.D. Is that supposed to be Rex in the Santa hat in panel one, and if so, why is he so grim-faced? Shouldn’t the presence of all that hot man-meat in uniform cheer him up, just a little?

Gasoline Alley, 12/25/08

And finally, Gasoline Alley published an excellent template of a nice design that you can get tattooed across your chest or shoulders if you join a particularly festive and holiday-oriented gang.

But the real present came a couple of days later:

Mark Trail, 12/27/08

You know, too few vigilantes are willing to go the extra mile anymore by shouting “SURPRISE!” at their bearded prey while tackling them. The world is poorer for the loss of those sorts of details.

And hey, I’d be remiss if I ignored BIG DOINGS AFOOT IN SPIDER-MAN LAND!

Spider-Man, 12/31/08-1/1/09

OH MY GOODNESS WHAT COULD THE BIG CHANGES THIS WALL OF TEXT HAS PROMISED US BE??? Instead of watching TV and whining to his wife about how much money she makes, Peter is sleeping in and letting his aged aunt cater to his every need. SO THRILLING!!! I seem to recall some sort of thing in the Spidey comic books involving MJ and … a deal with the devil? Maybe? So they got retroactively satanic-divorced or something? I don’t actually read the Spider-Man comic books, but I recall a lot of people complaining about it, so I hope that bringing this thrilling plot development to the Spider-Man newspaper strip manages to make said comic strip even lamer, in ways I never dreamed possible.

Unlike Spider-Man, I promise you exactly nothing new for 2009. I’ve pretty much figured out my thing and you’ll keep reading it and liking it! As long as they still print newspapers and still print comic strips in those newspaper, I’ll be here, so, if current trends hold true, you should have a good 18 months of this site left to enjoy.

Oh, and finally: my site has been nominated for the Best Humor Blog category at the Weblog Awards! Holy crap! Don’t worry, I’ll be plastering links everywhere when voting starts in a few days. And Ces Marciuliano’s Medium Large was similarly nominated in the Best Comic Strip categories. Stretch your ballot-stuffing muscles!

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Ziggy, 12/19/08

Sure, sneer all you want at this kid as some sort of symbol of ACLU-inspired civil libertarianism taken to extremes, but at least he’s not a grown man with no pants on waiting in line to see Santa.

Spider-Man, 12/19/08

After a brief bout of activity that might legitimately be called heroic, Spider-Man has surely earned an indefinite amount of time standing around with his fists on his hips looking studly, his nemesis’s ongoing non-captured status be damned. Thus, this plot will be resolved the only way that makes sense for the Spider-Man newspaper strip: by having the scrawny, not-superpowered fake Spider-Man bump the villain in the back with his shoulder.

Mark Trail, 12/19/08

OK, Pop, it’s just a rusted carburetor; there’s no need to fling yourself to the ground and clutch your forehead like a Victorian matron afflicted by the vapors. Geez, what a drama queen.