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Mary Worth, 8/3/17

“As a mere medical assistant, you are not authorized to question the sexual behavior of doctors! And as Dr. Fletcher’s current sexual target, his status has accrued to me! Now return to your duties and cease making eye contact with me at once!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/3/17

“Oh, right, we saw those pills in your purse last night so we dropped him off at Child Protective Services while you were asleep. We’re the Morgans — we know what’s right for everybody!”

Spider-Man, 8/3/17

Mole-Man, having already easily defeated Spider-Man by hitting him in the thigh with a stick, is under no illusions about how much protection he can offer.

Beetle Bailey, 8/3/17

“Gosh, it makes me mad that so many people seem to view the U.S. military as the enforcement arm of an acquisitive, hegemonic imperial state rather than as a noble and purely defensive institution! At least I know there’s one unquestioningly pro-military pop culture franchise out there: Beetle Bailey. Now to take a big sip of coffee and read today’s strip.”

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Slylock Fox, 7/31/17

This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this particular brainteaser, but in the ensuing decade my patience for its many improbabilities has significantly thinned. Back then I was more worried about Slylock having to rassle an octopus to get those car tires; today, I’m just here to LOUDLY SCOFF at the thought that there’s five minutes worth of air in those tires, or that Sly is going to be able to rig up some system for releasing said air into Max’s diving bell. The best move here is for him to tell Max that he’ll be back “in just a little bit” with help, safe in the knowledge that slow suffocation is no doubt among the less painful ways to die. It’ll just be like falling asleep, probably! And there are plenty more mice down at the pet store and mouse-sized shorts-and-hat sets down at the post-animalpocalypse version of the Gap.

Mark Trail, 7/31/17

“I need to do a little check on my gear before I head out!” [pulls out loaded shotgun in small, enclosed space and puts finger on the trigger] “Yep, I sure feel like a big man doing this, so it’s probably working! Better do a few more tests first, though.” [spins around wildly, making sure to point barrel in the face of everyone in the cabin]

Spider-Man, 7/31/17

BREAKING: AREA MAN BELIEVES FEMALE RELATIVE HAS RIGHT TO SEXUAL AUTONOMY AND DESERVES ALL THE DATA SHE NEEDS TO MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS ABOUT HER ROMANTIC LIFE, PROBABLY THINKS THIS MAKES HIM SOME KIND OF BIG HERO

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Spider-Man, 7/30/17

You know, this is the second Newspaper Spider-Man Mole-Man adventure I’ve covered on my blog, and it occurs to me that I don’t know if he has any particular … powers? … other than his now-lost political dominion over Subterrenea. He seems to have the ability to effectively hit people with sticks, but other than that, does he have … mole-strength? Mole-vision, which would be the actual opposite of a superpower? Why does he wear those glasses all the time? Does he even have eyes? According to Wikipedia, he has “highly developed ‘radar senses’ to help his weak normal vision,” and said vision was weakened when, soon after falling into the underground realm, “he suffered permanent damage to his eyes when he gazed directly upon a highly reflective deposit of diamonds,” which, that is in no way how any of that works, man. Anyway, the point is that today we learn that, whatever his vision situation, he at least has working tear-ducts, and a working heart (I’m speaking metaphorically here but no doubt his literal heart also works).

Meanwhile, we should believe Peter when he says that he never thought he’d hear himself say that he thinks his aunt’s wedding should go on as planned. That’s because he doesn’t want her to remarry, because he can’t handle not being at the center of her emotional life. He’s a real dick!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/30/17

Ha ha, whoops, Margie isn’t dying, she’s just dying to get her hands on some sweet, sweet pills, and the Morgans are only people with a prescription pad that she has even a tenuous relationship with who she hasn’t alienated yet! Anyway, it’s nice to know that America’s #1 serial comic strip about medical issues has finally decided to tackle America’s current #1 medical issue, after having warmed up over the past year or so with storylines about non-blockbuster problems like sleep apnea and dehydration.

Mary Worth, 7/30/17

There are few things that will get Dawn “in the mood” like a cute guy muttering about his post-divorce loneliness while staring into a highball glass! This is gonna be one of those magical “when depressed and predatory meets naive and low self-esteem” romances that you read about in storybooks.