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Spider-Man, 3/28/17

So MJ has to get Ronan, the Accuser, currently in suspended animation, to Albuquerque to use as a human Kree shield against the violent, nightmarish Shemp-bot. And she’s getting there the old fashioned way: using the free market! No “government handout” needed for this entrepreneurial gal! Yes, it’s completely believable that whatever cash she happens to have on hand is enough for her to buy a large commercial vehicle, which is presumably the driver’s main business asset, as well as pay for several hours of labor from both the driver and four day laborers. The system works!

Mary Worth, 3/28/17

Ooooh, I’m guessing this eager couple are about to have their lives meddled in — for the better — over the course of this cruise! What do you suppose their problem is? Maybe they’ve never actually seen a body of water larger than Lake Michigan, so they’ll immediately start panicing the moment they get on the open ocean! Or, since they seem to believe “Hoosiers” and “Cruisers” rhyme, maybe they aren’t really from Indiana or even native speakers of English, and Mary’s about to blow their sinister spy ring right open.

Dennis the Menace, 3/28/17

Call me a prude if you will, but I feel personally menaced by this open display of Mitchell-on-Mitchell sexuality. I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HENRY’S EROTIC BATHING FANTASIES, OR, WORSE, HIS EROTIC BATHING REALITES, OK? I DON’T. I DON’T.

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Crock, 3/20/17

You might think this is just a typical cartoon where a lonely desert-dwelling child’s only friend is a freakish buzzard. But, not so! Check out Little Otis’s blank, pupil-less stare in the second panel. That buzzard isn’t his friend at all; it’s hypnotizing him. Imagine “How should I introduce you to my mom, Wadsworth?” spoken in an eerie monotone. The only introducing that’s going to happen will come once Otis, under Wadsworth’s mesmerizing gaze, murders his parents and “introduces” the foul carrion eater to their delicious corpses.

Slylock Fox, 3/20/17

Hey, sinister grinning bear (?) lumberjacks: instead of stealing this poor beaver’s trees, have you considered recruiting him, for a good-paying job in the lumberjack industry that apparently still exists in this animal-ruled world? Honestly, how is it that in the animal economy there’s a single lumber company that isn’t entirely beaver-staffed?

Family Circus, 3/20/17

It’s bad, in the sense that it’s supposed to be “on fleek” (and I’m 100% sure the Family Circus isn’t clever enough to intend this to be an error either on Billy’s or Big Daddy Keane’s part), and also in the sense that the Family Circus shouldn’t be doing jokes about the phrase “on fleek.” Just bad all around. Bad bad bad.

Spider-Man, 3/20/17

Given that Rocket Raccoon isn’t well known on the version of Earth that has the misfortune to be depicted in Newspaper Spider-Man, I love that the lower word balloon in the second panel ends in an exclamation point. You’d think that the cop would say “Spider-Man — and a raccoon???? [comical BOI-OI-OING sound effect],” but nope, he’s just accepting this as yet another one of life’s passing mysteries.

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Mark Trail, 3/9/17

“How is a tetanus shot going to help with bears?” is a great question, Mark, great question, but maybe we should back up a little bit and ask something more basic: how is Doc, who is a “Doc”-tor of Veterinary Medicine, going to get a tetanus shot for Mark, who is ostensibly a human? I know Lost Forest is pretty isolated, but I feel strongly the Trails should get their medical care from professionals who are trained to care for people, not animals. If you ever need a hookup for recreational horse tranquilizers Doc’s your guy, though.

Blondie, 3/9/17

Look on the bright side, kids: in this strip you’re two teenagers spending a lot of time and energy discussing newspaper comic strips, a which is not something anyone would ever stereotype teens doing in the year 2017!

Spider-Man, 3/9/17

As usual, I have more or less lost interest in Spider-Man as it goes through the motions of super-powered combat, but I do feel obliged to acknowledge when the strip comes up with a phrase such as “But now — my cosmi-rod is in position — to be activated!” that is a surefire way to ruin any sexual experience it’s uttered in the midst of.