Post Content

Funky Winkerbean, 10/7/16

Haha, wait, so Frankie, Darrin’s terrible bio-dad who raped Lisa when they were teens and returned to Westview to peddle some reality show only to be driven away by everyone’s righteous indignation, now works for DMZ, a gossip website so non-notorious that its employees have to keep reminding each other what it is? And now he’s going to ruin Cindy and Mason’s relationship by posting out-of-context photos of Mason and his comely young co-star? Sure, why not! There are only a limited number of truly bad people in the Funkyverse, so they have to work hard at doing all the bad things needed to keep everyone unhappy.

Spider-Man, 10/7/16

“Here he is. Tied up and immobile, right in front of you. I didn’t move him there in the middle of that sentence or anything. I wasn’t even standing in front of him. It’s … pretty weird you didn’t notice him before I pointed him out to you?”

Blondie, 10/7/16

The only thing Dagwood likes more than micromanaging his daughter’s sexuality is getting a sweet deal on an awesome high-end car.

Dennis the Menace, 10/7/16

Dennis recognizes that school’s real purpose is not to educate citizens, but to serve as a model of the regulated social order in which they’ll be embedded their whole lives. He’s truly menacing … to the established power structure!

Lockhorns, 10/7/16

Suddenly aware of capitalism’s enervating effects on wage slaves like her husband, Loretta will now take her place as the sarcastic, heavy-lidded Marianne of the new revolution.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/7/16

♬ It’s a montage ♬ a document-signing montage ♬ you gotta love a montage ♬ this process would’ve taken six to eight weeks worth of comics if we didn’t do a montage ♬

Post Content

Mary Worth, 10/6/16

Ever since Mary implied to Iris that maybe her adult son spiraled down into unemployment and pill addiction because she was going to school and not mothering him 24/7, Iris has been very involved in Tommy’s life! Some might say … too involved, like that time she sat through a whole therapy session with him. Anyway, Iris, you should not be going to Narcotics Anonymous with him, because that pretty much breaks all the rules. Why not check out Nar-Anon instead, if you’re so keen on going to a meeting? That organization is specifically for the families and friends of those dealing with drug addiction. That name again is Nar-Anon. Not Narconon. Under no circumstances should you go to Narconon. No, wait, actually, it would be pretty hilarious if you went to Narconon. “Tommy, I know you’ve gotten a lot out of the Bible, so here are some more books with even more helpful tips!” [Hands him Dianetics, Battlefield Earth, and all ten volumes of the Misson Earth dekology]

Dick Tracy, 10/6/16

Probably “bare the marks of an addict” is just a garden-variety typo, but I’m hoping it’s a look into Dick’s attitude towards the public he ostensibly serves: whenever he encounters someone he suspects might be polluting his mind and body with illicit substances, he uses his will to power to force them to bare the marks that reveal their crimes against society and themselves, so he can arrest them with maximum contempt.

Spider-Man, 10/6/16

Like many 42-year-olds, my eyesight has been in decline in a couple different ways for at least three years, and last month I finally bit the bullet and got bifocals, with lenses for both reading and computer use, and it literally felt like I had gone to Lourdes and gotten faith-healed. What I’m saying is, as a guy who can suddenly read laundry care labels with ease and sits a normal distance away from his monitor again, I understand Egghead’s urge to talk about his “magnifying goggles” as if he’s dealing with some piece of high-tech supervillainry equipment, but, Egghead, my man: those are clearly just glasses.

Mark Trail, 10/6/16

You know, if Mark freakin’ Trail interrupts you and redirects the conversation when in you’re the middle of spouting a bunch of nature facts, maybe you should think long and hard about how to work those nature facts into conversations more organically.

Post Content

Mary Worth, 9/29/16

I’m not shy about my longtime affection for Joe Giella’s decade-plus at Mary Worth, I’ve been fans of June Brigman and Roy Richardson so far as well. Like Giella, they too come from the superhero world; as a result, despite the big shift in style they’ve brought to the strip, they carry on the tradition of the art feeling a little too jazzy for the banality of life in Charterstone. Anyway, one of my favorite little details of the Giella era was the weird food blobs. The Brigman/Richardson era may have opened with some lovingly detailed sandwiches, but they’re clearly aware of strip traditions, so shoutout to the meal of weird brownish chunks of Chinese food Iris and Tommy are sharing off of a single plate, washed down with chocolate milk.

Spider-Man, 9/29/16

“At last! I, Egghead, have captured Ant-Man — and Spider-Man to boot! And now all I have to do is scoop them up and — what’s this? Blast! I knew this shag carpeting was a terrible mistake! ‘It’ll be so comfy on your bare feet,’ they said! My plans are ruined!”

Blondie, 9/29/16

“Plus, you’re definitely going to be killing people — only this time without any lame-o ‘Geneva Conventions’ to cramp your style!”