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Gasoline Alley, 8/16/07

Those of you who only follow Gasoline Alley through this blog have probably been wondering, “Gee, what’s going on with Slim’s plan to keep his neighborhood racially pure by dropping thousands of pounds of metal onto a playground? I’m sure he’s totally stepped back from the brink by this point!” Well, I’m sad to report that not so much. In today’s strip, the deranged Vietnam Vet charged with actually perpetrating this vile crime muses grimly on the mercenary’s creed: once that check clears, you have a job to do, and it doesn’t matter how many flattened homes and crushed bodies you leave in your wake.

Gil Thorp, 8/16/07

Today’s Gil Thorp is nothing less than a divine symphony of severed limbs. You cannot convince me that any of the arms on display here are actually attached to the Thorpian quasihumans near whose heads they’re hovering — the scale and the angles are all wrong. Particularly baffling is the behemoth paw in panel one. Is Fu “Rap Sheet” Manchu supposed to be holding a TV remote? It seems unlikely: not only is the hand bigger than his head, but he’s only about eight inches away from the television set.

I love that, having been insulted, Coach Kaz calls his girlfriend to “check in” emotionally, only to be further taunted for his dimwittery. FEEL THE BURN, COACH! She’s not dating you for your mind; she only loves your hairy, hairy arms, and the furious fists at the end of them.

Marmaduke, 8/16/07

Like a lot of Marmadukes, this one doesn’t make any damn sense. It could be sort of fixed, though, if the caption were changed to “Your lap’s so nice, he thinks he’s died and gone to heaven!” Get it? Because with Marmaduke’s drooping extremities and slack features, it appears that this hapless woman has the enormous corpse of a Great Dane sprawled across her thighs!

Of course, we all know that, thanks to Marmaduke’s many sins, he won’t actually go to heaven when he dies.

Ziggy, 8/16/07

Looks like somebody doesn’t really understand what “computer dating” is all about. Hey, Tom II, get with the program! You can have your very own computer in your very own home these days! I don’t want to say this cartoon is entirely inaccurate, though: it is true that the only women who would deign to date Ziggy are in prison.

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Mark Trail, 8/3/07

OH YEAH, MARK TRAIL BEATING THE CRAP OUTTA SOME GUY! That’s the best way to start your weekend right there. I love the way Buzzard is toppling over in panel one, less like an actual human being who just got socked in the jaw and more like the huge statue of a jowly, overalled dictator being pulled down in the wake of some kind of anti-hillbilly revolution.

Since he has no facial hair to punch off, we have to settle for the image of Buzzard’s hat flying off in the opposite direction of his head as he reels from Mark’s punishing blow. Some of you seem to believe that Mark’s punched Buzzard’s overalls off as well, but in panel two they seem to still be securely fastened. No, I think what’s happening in panel three, as Buzzard tries to distract us with his legal jibber-jabber, is that the portly rustic is actually taking off his clothes in preparation for the next phase of the battle. Tomorrow’s going to be awesome.

Apartment 3-G, 8/3/07

I surprised even myself yesterday by glossing over Margo’s blatant come-on, but today’s sordid aftermath is in the final analysis really more my style. Eric and Margo, ever the romantics, apparently did it fully clothed out on the balcony, and Eric, ever the gentleman, passed out almost immediately afterwards. If Margo were capable of feeling, she might be upset, but as it is the situation offers a perfect opportunity to root through Eric’s stuff. These two crazy kids are made for each other!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/3/07

I have to disagree with those commentors who are saying that Lisa is calling Darrin a mistake to his face. She’s saying that, if you don’t want to have a baby, it’s a mistake to have sex without using birth control — which is true, damn it. And Jessica’s comeback implies that the current generation of young Winkerbeaners were smart enough to know that. So, yay for the promotion of safe sex, even if only obliquely hinted at! I give you kudos on this point, Funky Winkerbean.

Darrin and Jessica will still die of cancer before they’re 30, of course.

Gil Thorp, 8/3/07

Gil Thorp continues to be the gift that keeps on giving, as Coach Kaz, P.I., works his way through the has-beens and burnouts that make up Gail Martin’s touring band. You can tell that Kaz has the great people sense that all good detectives need, as he openly condescends to one of the guys he’s going to be on tour with, though Cliff “Second Summer In A Row That Gil Thorp Has Featured A Benjamin Franklin Lookalike” Wrobek is probably too high to notice. I almost hope that Gail cancels her concert tour out of fear, because the image of a dazed and confused Cliff trying to sell insurance while waving his drumsticks around is just too delicious.

Wizard of Id, 8/3/07

After the United States adopted a single-payer health care system, most historians believed that the turning point in the debate came when the Wizard of Id joined the movement.

Ziggy, 8/3/07

Ha ha! Ziggy mouthed off and got punched in the face! Little dude just can’t win! Look at the bruising! Ha!

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Ziggy, 7/23/07

I’m with you, Garfield Ziggy! Those Mondays’ll get ya down! If there’s one thing we can count on from Garfield Ziggy, it’s burning hatred of Mondays. But people really do hate Mondays, which I guess is why Garfield Ziggy sells so many darn mugs and posters!

Anyway, Garfield Ziggy is certainly right today: all of the comics just left me cold for the most part. Even this shameless out-of-context Mary Worth double-entendre couldn’t shake me out of my Monday funk:

She’s going riding whether you’re coming or not, Dr. Drew, so why not get on board?

No, the only thing that really made me smile today was Mark Trail.

Mark Trail, 7/23/07

Sam is nothing if not a method actress, a necessity for the sort of half-cocked, half-concealed-by-shrubbery skullduggery she’s engaged in here. Unfortunately, her normal face features the sort of freakishly wide eyes that you normally only see on drug addicts and Graves ophthalmopathy sufferers, so the only way she can show her “frightened while looking for her dog” face is to present the bug-eyed horror show we seen in panel three. Hopefully everyone’s mom is right and her face is going to freeze like that, because that will make for the most awesomely disturbing next three to eight weeks of Mark Trail ever.