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Hey everybody! Next week is the first Friday of the month so you know what that means: my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, is back! We had a month off and are coming back extremely refreshed with a great lineup, so this is a great month to come by if you are within driving distance of LA! Here is the Facebook event, which you should click on!

Ahem! And now with that business out of the way, here is your comment of the week!

“The sandwich could be so good that the only way Justin can increase his enjoyment of it is through autoerotic asphyxiation. He’s going about it all wrong, but sometimes when the moment seizes you you simply have to go with what feels right.” –Mike Podgor

And here is a fine collection of runners up!

“I wish this strip spent more time on Hagar’s time-traveling raids among 1930s high society.” –TheDiva

“Cherry: ‘I’d like to decorate the cabin a little.’ Mark: ‘Fine. Here’s something that could kill us all.’ And that’s the dynamic that makes this marriage work.” –Joe Blevins

“You know you’re a plugger if you have a fetish for fisting sneakers.” –nescio

“Finally, the reporters at The Daily Billionaire Simon Stagg Found Dead have the story they’ve been waiting so long for.” –pugfuggly

“I… don’t know if this is a ‘dramatic zoom on narrowed eyes while on the phone‘ action movie get-me-the-president kind of moment. But I also don’t want to discourage Mark from exploring an emotional range, even if it only goes from ‘bemused’ to ‘stern.’” –Dan

“So the first step in becoming a nationally recognized brand is to spend your weekends as the sad sample lady at the local market? At this rate, Mary’s timeline toward becoming a muffin millionaire is lagging far behind her life expectancy.” –BigTed

“The really sad thing is, this won’t be the first case of ‘dick grated off’ Doc Pritchart sees today!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I don’t think Snuffy’s too concerned about the way he’s handling his dad. Black market organ sellers are remarkably unfussy, as are black market wig makers.” –Applemask

“There won’t be enough left of him to bury. But Mary is going to make Jeff dig a grave anyway.” –Kyle Beatty, on Facebook

“This stuff isn’t half bad, so I’m going to fork it through my chest wall directly into my aorta.” –lumaca morente

“I’m not sure why it amuses me so much to assume Hi is listening to ‘Sail Away’ by Enya, but it’s most the strip has entertained me in a decade so I’m going with it.” –Doctor Handsome

“But even though I just stayed home instead of going to the game in case I was needed to pitch relief, when I went to the ballpark the next day, I didn’t get fired! I kept on being a mediocre pitcher on a mediocre minor-league team, just the same! So literacy is over-rated, is what I’m saying.” –seismic-2

“Honestly the most menacing thing Dennis ever does is when he foretells the distant future of the 2010s from his eternal time-home of the 1950s. Can he see beyond to eternity?” –abadidea

“Which cloud contains the malware I wrote to identify compromising photos and upload them to 4chan? BTW, Margaret, did I every tell you how I gained su access to Azure and read your diary?” –Nekrotzar

I’m also a fan of this visual posted to Twitter by longtime faithful reader Dean Booth:

pic.twitter.com/CBJ6uqAbi0

— Dean Booth (@BoothDean) February 22, 2018

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Crankshaft, 2/23/18

True ‘Shaft-heads remember one of the early heart-rending Crankshaft storylines, where we learned that Ed Crankshaft, who we had all assumed was just a grumpy old asshole who shouldn’t have a job working with children or indeed any part of the public, was actually a grumpy old asshole who also happened to be illiterate. But he heroically learned to read as an adult, which gives him license to harangue little kids like this one, who as near as we can tell is perfectly capable of reading written English but prefers not to read books or other printed matter as a leisure activity, which is not the same thing at all! Also instead of talking about the archaic sport of “baseball” he should probably talk about, I dunno, Mario Kart or something. What I’m trying to say is that Crankshaft might have learned, with great effort, to read, but he still hasn’t learned out to read the room, ha ha!

Dennis the Menace, 2/23/18

Word to the wise, Dennis: affecting a sort of aggressively ignorant contempt towards technology can convey a certain menacing vibe. Just admitting that you’re a straight-up moron very much does not.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/23/18

So … not great, then?

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Hi and Lois, 2/22/18

I’ve always understood the “mood” in “mood music” to be arousal, and that the point of “mood music” is to get one or more parties in the “mood” for sex. So I’m sad to report that Hi has so lost his sense of joie de vivre that he now needs musical assistance to follow through with one of his great joys in life: jerking off to Golf magazine and then falling asleep on the couch.

Mary Worth, 2/22/18

I guess we’re going to do this thing where Mary and Ted continue to talk as if they’re having a normal business conversation while Mary slowly but methodically shatters all the bones in his wrist, and I frankly am here for it!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/22/18

Literally this entire week of Rex Morgan, M.D., has been a bunch of teenagers talking about eating lunch, so you’d think by the time they finally got to the climactic panel where a teen bites into a sandwich, they’d be ready to make it look like a normal human would look biting into a fully edible sandwich made of normal sandwich materials. Turns out nope!