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Funky Winkerbean, 9/9/17

Welp, there he is: Crankshaft, definitively confirmed as alive in the Funky era! Ha … ha? His beloved red baseball cap has apparently long been stripped away, to reveal a constellation of liver spots and a few scraggly hairs. At least he still seems to be seethingly angry! Anyway, Mindy is trying to get through to his foggy mind in the only language he understands: phrases that aren’t really cliches or even malapropisms but kind of sound like they might be.

Mary Worth, 9/9/17

“Marriage is curious thing. I went into it a few years ago thinking that was it for me. Since I we met, I realized there was something more I wanted: more than one woman having sex with me, at the same time! Or, you know, two or more women who I’m having a sexual relationship with simultaneously. We have to work our way up to the same time part, ha ha! Anyway, your dad: still on that work trip, or…?”

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“Can’t wait to try me some o’ that Ghost Hooch! Yee-haw!” –Peanut Gallery

And the extremely funny runners up!

“If everyone in Newspaper Spider-man were as emotionally evolved as Kala, they’d have to start using actual plots.” –katakana haru, on Twitter

“Judging by the glow on their cheeks, it’s a wonderful day to start drinking in the morning.” –Zootyr

“‘Long-haul love‘ is being used in place of ’till death do you part’ because, as Les and BSD Lisa have shown, death is no reason to not be obsessively devoted to your spouse.” –TheDiva

Family Circus made a similar ‘hand-me-ups’ reference just two days ago — but since this is a Pluggers ‘classic,’ it may have originated way in the past. Who stole this joke? Not me!” –BigTed

“This strip devotes the same loving care to depicting muscly calves as Mark Trail devotes to owls and wolves and shit like that.” –Joe Blevins

“Smirks all around! From the hazy, out-of-sync red print to the one psychotically specific detail of the bugs around light fixture to the wrong author name on the cover, this all feels just right.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Les’ ego is expanding to dangerous proportions. His forehead swells with self-esteem. In a moment, there will be a popping noise. The windows will shatter. Young Darin will be scarred for life by skull shrapnel. And next year, on the same day, they’ll do the Les Moore Memorial Exploding Head Syndrome Fun Run, sponsored by Tylenol and Easy-out Stain Remover.” –Voshkod

‘Heads up, sir!’ were in fact the last words then Corporal Halftrack heard before the rest of his platoon was wiped out by a surprise enemy attack. Ms. Buxley is fully aware of this because, hey, who doesn’t enjoy a good PSTD joke?” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I wish Dennis the Menace indulged in multiple panels more often, because to me, it’s pretty clear that young Donald Sutherland is about to lay into this kid.” –Red Delicious

“Dr. Ned may be a medical professional, but he’s not above performing the occasional seance. Still, he seems genuinely surprised that he succeeded in animating Dawn’s corpse.” –Nekrotzar

“The expression on MT’s face in panel 1 is priceless. It’s like this storm has forced him suddenly to discover emotions other than ‘pedantic’ and ‘must punch.’” –Little Blue Bicycle

“I have not been following this strip with any regularity, but I remember a few weeks ago Mark was pummeling Baldy McBalderson with his fists, until the female accomplice drew a gun and stopped it. (Where is she now?) Is it the case that Baldy hasn’t exacted any physical revenge on Mark whatsoever, and has resumed calmly giving orders with that trademark grimace because he is the one with a gun? Because, if I had a gun, I’d have used it on something non-vital on Mark by now, assuming Mark was of any value to me alive. I guess I’m thin-skinned that way, regarding broken jaws and such.” –Just John

“Yeah man: you proved something to yourself and showed up the people who said you couldn’t do it, even if it didn’t result in you getting gainful employment. That’s exactly the attitude you want going in to grad school!” –pugfuggly

Random cut to a grinding industrial noise over a nighttime rural landscape … I see Mark Trail is trying to cash in on Twin Peaks fever. I look forward to six straight days of Cherry screaming.” –Dan

“Once again, justice prevails near Spider-Man. Hooray for Spider-Man’s general vicinity!” –A Concerned Reader

“This strikes a false note. A BLT is dangerously close to being a salad.” –Rusty

“And the absence of twists just keep on comin’! This storyline is a nonstop, very level, sensibly paced rollercoaster.” –Shoe Substitutes

“I love the contrast between Dick Tracy’s stereotype ’80s African American, dressed in neon colors and spiky lines, and its stereotype ’20s Jewish American (fun fact: according to the DT wiki, Sam is ‘best known for his loyalty, intelligence, compassion, surprised exclamations of Oy yi!, and the sandwiches made with his wife’s homemade rye bread which he keeps in his pockets’). Neo-Chicago is a city where stereotypes of all backgrounds and time periods can live together in harmony, and occasionally murder each other in brutal ways.” –Schroduck

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Spider-Man, 9/8/17

Newspaper Spider-Man is already famous for having whole narrative arcs play out without the title character actually doing anything, but today’s strip is even better, providing us with an little drama that takes place entirely within the context of the villain’s monologue, with our protagonist and the other characters just kind of dumbly staring at him.

I have a lot of questions about the Official Fountain Of Youth Chalice. Like: if it’s made of pewter, as it appears today, or gold, as it appeared last week, how did it shatter so easily? If it’s as important as all that, shouldn’t Tyrannus have several spares? Will some Morlock artisan need to use the only remaining chalice to craft a new backup? Wouldn’t it be easy enough just to use the chalice to measure the actual recommended dosage of Fountain Of Youth Water so that we would know how many milliliters are necessary and dispense with the need for a chalice altogether?

Dick Tracy, 9/8/17

Undercover cop Lee Ebony, currently working deep within in the Neo-Chicago criminal underworld as “T-Bolt,” is taking care to report back to police headquarters using an encoded message in case her phone is tapped, as the footnote in the first panel helpfully indicates. Unfortunately, Sam Catchem seems to be under the impression that if her phone is tapped it’ll only record her end of the call, so he’s just answering using people’s actual names. Admittedly it gets confusing that the main bad guy’s name is actually “Mr. Bribery,” so it’s unclear if he’s talking about him or just the abstract concept of bribery, but either way this is bound to raise suspicions.

Mary Worth, 9/7/17

“…to my work! Ha ha, yes, as a handsome, well-paid doctor I’m very committed to my career. [suddenly speaking much faster and more quietly]also i’m still married to my wife and we’re not in an open relationship or anything, she has no idea i fuck my young employees on the regular[normal speaking style] So, you definitely have the apartment to yourself tonight, right?”

Pluggers, 9/7/17

Ahh yes, a man-bear’s eyes bugging out in panic as he tries to cram an overstuffed sandwich into his mouth before too much food falls into the sink, forcing him to scoop up the soggy scraps with his hands for the second round of feeding. A classic indeed!