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Mary Worth, 3/17/17

Look, I understand that in these troubled time for publishing, media properties have to do all they can to come up with new and creative sources of revenue. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to let the cruise industry buy long stretches of enthusiastic dialogue in Mary Worth like this. This only thing missing here is Dawn or Tommy or some other condo resident wandering by and saying “Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear that you were talking about taking a cruise! Did you know that the threats from norovirus and Legionnaire’s Disease to passengers are vastly overhyped as part of the liberal media’s anti-cruise-industry agenda?”

Mary and Tobey should should be extolling the dining possibilities aboard top-of-the-line cruise ships. Sure, the buffets might leave a little to be desired, but they’re leaps and bounds ahead of the nutrient-rich but bland “Charterstone Chow” pellets they’re eating for lunch today.

Crankshaft, 3/17/17

Remember, Crankshaft is supposed to be the “fun” Funkyverse strip, which means its punchlines are meant to be broader and less grounded in reality. Unfortunately (or maybe extremely fortunately), the art style is still infected by omnipresent Funkyverse gloom-realism, which means that this week’s strips, about how silly it would be if a beekeeper gave rum balls to bees and they got a li’l tipsy, have now climaxed with Crankshaft looking genuinely terrified that he’s about to be hauled off to jail.

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Judge Parker, 3/16/17

Oh, hey, good news, finally the some of the escaped/released teens in Judge Parker are talking to the police, and telling their disturbing tales of captivity! I’m sure some of you sickos have been waiting for the moment when Sophie’s sexy teen lust object Derek finally dropped his pants, and now I hope you’re suitably chastened and muttering “Not like this, not … like this” under your breath.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/16/17

Ironically, as panel three demonstrates, the number one cause of shoulder injuries in Hootin’ Holler is flappin’ yore arms around as you laugh uproariously at yore own li’l joke.

Dennis the Menace, 3/16/17

“Like here, in the crawlspace of this abandoned house where all the bodies are. Definitely she wouldn’t want me hanging out here!”

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Slylock Fox, 3/15/17

Wow, some hard truths about animals being laid down here, including the hard truth that owls … are actually kind of dumb? I bet the post-animalpocalypse regime will come to feel bad staffing its entire legal system with owls, then. Just another human superstition they should’ve rejected! Also, it mysteriously seems that the very smart crows never appear in Slylock Fox, at least not in any of the strips in my archive. We can only assume that the Event that granted all the animals sapience made the crows super-intelligent, and they all built spaceships and went to a different, better planet, or maybe transcended their physical bodies and became creatures of pure mind.

Shoe, 3/15/17

Ha ha, yes, it’s funny because Loon’s butt froze, but I have to question what prompted the question in the first place. The Perfesser is just reading the financial section of the newspaper, and thinks, “Huh, you know who seems like a criminal who probably had a warrant taken out against him to ensure that he couldn’t use any of his ill-gotten resources to continue his illegal activities? My friend and co-worker over here!”

Mary Worth, 3/15/17

Dr. Jeff has been taking some time off from his busy schedule of going to the Bum Boat with Mary and trying and failing to get her to marry him to nurse his bad knee at his daughter and son-in-law’s house, so surely he’ll understand when Mary decides to take time off from going to the Bum Boat with Dr. Jeff and rejecting his marriage proposals to go on a fun, sexy cruise with Tobey! And screw the column! Nobody gives a shit about the column! Let nothing stand in the way of this glorious plotline!

Blondie, 3/15/17

Neither Alexander nor Cookie know what “flash in the pan” means. Sad!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/15/17

[long, increasingly awkward silence]