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Gil Thorp, 12/22/16

Ah yes, at last we’ve finally learned the Trouble With Aaron Aagard: he can’t focus on basketball or even stereotypical teenage refrigerator-rummaging because he obsessively searches for entertainment options online and then goes to warehouse raves or whatever. Gil isn’t worried, though, because this is one of the biggest teams they’ve had! It’s an enormous team, so they can put ten, twelve, fifteen players on the court at a time, overwhelming opponents with sheer numbers. Not sure why nobody thought of this strategy before!

Judge Parker, 12/22/16

Never mind these petty human interest stories, ladies! Can’t you see your own newscrawl? The rotting corpse of President Gerald Ford has risen from the grave and roams the land on a fresh, living horse! This can only be the first portent of global armageddon!

Mary Worth, 12/22/16

Ahh, yes, Wilbur’s finished his writing for the day and now it’s time for him to engage his imagination and indulge in some solo erot[my keyboard, computer, and cable modem simultaneously melt down in a desperate attempt to prevent me from finishing that sentence]

[I sign in with my phone]Those fingerless gloves he had on in yesterday’s strip should make the whole thing eas[the entire cell network for southern California goes up in flames in an act of species preservation]

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Mary Worth, 12/21/16

Ha! While Iris frolics with her boy-toy, look what’s become of Wilbur: he’s now a rugged, international man of action, pecking out the latest installment of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive!” belowdecks on some unheated tramp steamer, with only his faithful table lamp to keep him company. Sure, Iris, Zak may be aware that women can and should have orgasms, but would he put on fingerless gloves so he could heroically continue typing a syndicated newspaper column even when it’s cold? I think not!

Beetle Bailey, 12/21/16

There some clues here about what’s really happening in this strip. The endless void in the background, the way General Halftrack is lying back in his chair with his eyes half-closed, the fact that Miss Buxley has strangely gotten larger between the two panels: he’s dying, and not a moment too soon! Is his final moments, his brain is indulging his sexual gigantism fetish, the better to send him off into the hereafter.

Mark Trail, 12/21/16

Hey, were you worried about whether that island in Mark Trail was still blowing up? Well, here’s an update: It’s still blowing up. Stay tuned for further important developments in this exploding island story.

Six Chix, 12/21/16

It’s almost Christmas and you know what that means: Lots of jokes about Santa being horny!

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Gil Thorp, 12/20/16

One of my very favorite things about Gil Thorp is that when Gil casually says that someone “might be our best center since Trey Davis,” “Trey Davis” isn’t just some random name-combo pulled out of a hat, but an actual character who really was a great center who appeared in the strip at one point. I had managed to purge the name from my memory, but thanks to the glory and pageantry of my advanced archives, I was able to track down his appearances, which took place literally more than a decade ago, and isn’t it funny how time inevitably advances and makes a mockery of all our hopes and dreams? Anyway, great a center as Trey Davis was, he never really seemed to have his own storyline: he was overshadowed in the looks department by Ted Pearse, and later was overshadowed in the plot department by the revelation that Ted Pearse was secretly homeless. Later that spring, even the frenzy surrounding his recruitment was overshadowed by Brent “Rap-Dog” Raptor’s hilariously overbearing mom. I guess we’ll never know if Trey eventually spurned basketball glory to join the army as I predicted, since I never mentioned his post-Milford fate. Will I be sifting through my archives sometime in October of 2027 looking for evidence of the collegiate career of Aaron Aargard? Maybe! If so, I’d just like to say: hi, future Josh! I think it’s extremely cool that you’re 53 and still writing a blog about comics on the Internet, or on whatever they’ve replaced the Internet with.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/20/16

Joke’s on you, Sheriff! Snuffy froze to death inside that snowman hours ago. The coal smile is at this point a cruel, cruel joke.