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Mark Trail, 3/13/17

Hey, parents: if your kid asks for $60,000 so they can get an MFA in film from USC or whatever, be aware that probably the best job they can get upon graduation is running black-footed ferret and prairie dog surveys out in South Dakota’s tornado alley.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/13/17

Oh, hey, were you worried that Sarah’s amnesia was going to interfere with her schooling? Well, don’t fret: Welton Green may talk a big game about assessing talent and intellect, but as long as your check clears, they don’t really give a shit about things that don’t involve your check clearing.

The Lockhorns, 3/13/17

Leroy’s boss hasn’t bothered him in a week, because he murdered his boss and left his corpse to putrefy right there in his cube!

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Mary Worth, 3/13/17

Tobey and Mary are enjoying drinks with fruit slices poolside, so technically I’ll consider this a pool party of the sort we expect and deserve when Mary Worth transitions from one plot to another, and anyway I’m in the mood to be forgiving because OH EM GEE MARY AND TOBEY TROPICAL GAL’S GETAWAY MONTH YES YES YES YESSSSSSS! What excitement awaits us at whatever branded resort on a more-or-less coup-free Caribbean island Tobey’s fancy has settled on? Will Mary get her groove back? Will Mary have to forcibly restrain Tobey from getting her groove back? Will Tobey then be allowed to get her groove back when someone points out that college professors don’t as a rule go on month-long “teaching summits,” certainly not in the middle of the semester? It’s going to be amazing!

This is the first good look we’ve gotten at Tobey under the new artistic regime, other than our brief glimpse of the Camerons’ weird, poorly lit Christmas. While I’ve generally been a fan of the new-look character design, I’m not sure I’m into this one? Other than the hair, she seems possibly based on Emma Stone:

She’s a little too lively looking for my taste, to be honest. The eyes of the Tobey I know and love manage to both project a certain anxious vapidity and seem always haunted by the realization that Tobey’s spending her best years married to Ian Cameron, and those best years are about to run out.

The Phantom, 3/13/17

Over in The Phantom, Lee Falk is busy pounding out an exciting new adventure on his old manual typewriter. A new adventure where the Phantom is going to die! …in a prophecy? Is it just going to be a lot of sitting around the Bandar village and Old Man Mozz telling an elaborate and possibly gruesome story about the Phantom’s death and him thinking “Jeez, what’s the social protocol here, like am I supposed to be freaked out or stoic or what?”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/13/17

Speaking of prophecies of death, looks like Funky’s being drawn by some unnamable force to walk up to the the creepy old house on the top of this overgrown hill on the outskirts of town! I sure hope he doesn’t plunge into a world of hellish horror beyond imagination and is subsequently never heard from again!

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Family Circus, 3/12/17

Here’s what you know about the emotional lives of the two younger Keane Kids: Jeffy makes the tiniest noise as he gets into the cookie jar and all he can hear is deafening guilt and anxiety ringing through his skull; meanwhile, PJ contemplates the idea that each of his toes might be a distinct little smiling nightmare creature with cool equanimity.

Beetle Bailey, 3/12/17

Glad to see that Beetle Bailey is continuing to up its game when it comes to Sarge and Beetle’s perverse relationship! Today’s throwaway panels reveal that Beetle definitely views Sarge’s binges as a spectacle for his enjoyment. He plans to nibble on kale and wait for Sarge to come back to him at the end of his gorging process, wobbly and maybe a little nauseous. Hot stuff!