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Beetle Bailey, 10/28/16

Haha, it’s funny because the ladies in the office sure do enjoy goofing off on the computer, amiright? Women, huh fellas? Always with the shopping and the … uh … solitaire … wait, what the … COMPUTER, ENHANCE

ENHANCE

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DECK OF CYBER-CARDS IS PRIVATE BLIPS EVEN PLAYING WITH HERE

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/28/16

Pretty weird how Snuffy is a notorious small-time chicken thief/card cheat with no job or other legitimate means to support his family and yet his failed attempt to carve a jack-o-lantern is what finally drives him to performatively enact some visible, ritualized atonement? Either that or he’s just coming up with a quick excuse for why he’s walking around with a knife.

Family Circus, 10/28/16

I admire Jeffy for always coming with a new quip to go with his patented jaunty “I just took a huge dump” strut, though I think they’re getting kind of belabored at this point.

Rex Morgan, 10/28/16

DEPICTED IN PANEL THREE: extremely rare footage of the rampup to Morgan-on-Morgan sexual intimacy

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Judge Parker, 10/27/16

Welp, we always knew the other shoe would drop eventually when the upstanding Parker family, which owns the local judgeship by feudal right, tied itself to a clan of notorious mercenaries and killers! Oh, sure, at first they tried to keep their in-laws in the dark about their illegal activities, but, know this: when your son marries a CIA (?) assassin, you will at some point be called upon to help fake her father’s death.

Mary Worth, 10/27/16

Speaking of trauma in the soaps, Mary, who’s life hasn’t changed in any meaningful way in fifty years, sure seems nervous hearing Wilbur’s tales of When Bad Things Happened Overseas! Considering all the dramatic carnage happening in other soaps, I wonder if Mary Worth is angling to join in on the fun? Santa Royale isn’t far from the San Andreas Fault, is what I’m saying, or from the Diablo Canyon nuclear power plant. It’d be a shame if the next Charterstone pool party were interrupted by a massive earthquake-tsunami, followed by a wave of radioactive debris falling from the sky — a real shame, I tell ya.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/27/16

As a paid-in-full member of America’s Elite™, June is always careful to respect trademark law, as intellectual property production is the backbone of our economy. Nobody’s going to be making unlicensed references to the lucrative franchises of The Walt Disney Company here! The characters from The Wizard of Oz, meanwhile, are firmly in the public domain and thus fair game.

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Six Chix, 10/26/16

Happy early Halloween from Six Chix, everybody! I note that these pumpkin-people’s heads and arms are the same bright orange color, which I take to indicate that they are similar in substance and consistency. What prospect do you find spoooookier?

• That their whole bodies are tough and durable, like pumpkin’s shell, which means that every time they move their outer layer grinds painfully and loudly against itself
• That their whole bodies are soft and pliant, like ordinary flesh, even their huge, bulbous heads

Your answer may hinge on how you believe the pumpkin-beings’ faces manifest. Do they merely appear when one of them finally determines the emotion they want to express? Or must they be carved, with a knife?

Funky Winkerbean, 10/26/16

Ha ha, angry rage maniac Bull Bushka’s brain is so battered that his angry rage mania is now an integral part of his personality, says his wife, who has to share a house with him and his irrational violent outbursts all the time now that he’s retired! This isn’t setting up teeth-grindingly awful and tragic storyline for the future, at all!

Pluggers, 10/26/16

You’re a plugger if you don’t just hate reading but try to shame your spouse for liking it.