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Spider-Man, 12/11/16

There’s a lot to love in today’s Spider-Man — MJ’s ridiculously impractical outfit, Peter getting his ass kicked, Peter making a superhuman effort to get off a dumb wisecrack before losing consciousness as a result of said ass-kicking — but it’s the next-to-last panel that will be long remembered as the comics panel of the year, maybe the decade. The sight of, among other things, an ice-cream sandwich, a slice of cake, a bottle of ketchup, a pot and a cup of coffee, a raw steak, and a delicious hoagie floating pell-mell in the general direction of Ronan, The Accuser is absolutely amazing, and I don’t even regret the fact that we don’t actually get to see how he processes all those foodstuffs into energy. Like, do they get absorbed through his skin, or does he just unhinge his jaw and they all fly down his gullet, or what? Surely Ronan, The Accuser doesn’t engage in anything so pedestrian as “chewing.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/11/16

Shoutout to Slick Smitty for treating Max with utter and complete contempt in this little adventure. Having been presumably caught red-handed with evidence of his low-grade silver theft, Smitty has refused to even pretend that Max has the ability to impose some kind of legal consequences on him, and, rather than flee one step ahead of the actual law, has brought his latest hookup with him to enjoy the spectacle of Max running all over town on his tiny little legs and then futilely digging a hole in what I assume is a hilariously escalating state of agitation. Slylock does not look happy to have received this call.

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Mary Worth, 12/10/16

Earlier this week, Mary suggested that the idea that a woman shouldn’t date men significantly younger than them is outdated, sexist dogma — but it was important to analyze your emotional motivations before diving into a sexual relationship quickly after a breakup. Today, Iris muses that the factors that drive us aren’t always cut and dry, and to try to isolate the pure from the petty is fruitless and ultimately paralyzing. This is probably the most emotionally self-actualized Mary Worth storyline in human history, guys!

Marvin, 12/10/16

Speaking of emotional self-actualization, Marvin is still doing jokes about its various characters pissing on things, and frankly doesn’t give a damn what you think about it.

Beetle Bailey, 12/10/16

BREAKING: BEETLE BAILEY ACKNOWLEDGES THAT WOMEN HAVE SEXUAL AUTOMONY, FEMINISM DECLARES DEFINITIVE DEFEAT OF THE PATRIARCHY

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It’s Friday, and you know what that means! Wait, you don’t? Oh, well, it means I pick my favorite comment from out of the hundreds posted by readers of the course of the week, and I showcase it here!

“I don’t have to outrun the lava, Abbey, I just have to outrun you. Or am I thinking of bears? I’m often thinking of bears.” –Voshkod

I also showcase some runners up, as well!

“This whole situation seems predicated on the idea that Slylock lives in a tiny house with virtually nothing in it but a bed and a TV with DVD player. I mean, it’s still pretty good compared to your average fox den, but I would have expected more from the top animal private eye this side of, um, Ace Ventura? Is that a thing people remember?” –BigTed

“That’s an amazing story, Cliff. Too bad we didn’t bring any mics to record the audio. Man, I am fucking this up but good!” –pugfuggly

“Next time you’re impressed to see Leroy dancing the cha-cha with some curvy, toothy girl half his age at a party, be ten times moreso: Remember that (shudder) this is what she is looking at.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I hope that’s a joke. I really do. We don’t have the budget for a 3rd panel, and quite frankly, I don’t have the stamina.” –hogenmogen

“‘Mark, is this it? Is it over?’ Abbey asked pleadingly. ‘It’s over when I say its over,’ artist James Allen sneered before sketching several more panels filled with fire and explosions. Several more panels of flames, just long enough to make it through all this awful holiday cheer.” –Chareth Cutestory

“As a person who once tried to make a living as a freelance magazine writer, I can attest to the complete believability of the current Mark Trail storyline.” –jvwalt

“Oh my, look at Jeffy in comparison to that chair! He is as tall as that picture on the wall. He may not remember the day that will live in infamy, buy Jeffy no doubt was exposed to 1950s radioactive fallout. He is growing in size and will soon bestride the earth like a colossus. Oh, the horror!” –Joe Momma

“Daddy, the man said Pearl Harbor was bombed. Is that like when you come home from bowling?” –Hibbleton

“I have never seen someone stare at a screen so defiantly before. ‘They hope I don’t watch TV, do they? I’LL SHOW THEM!’&rdaquo; –Dragon of Lie

“I am deeply, deeply disappointed that ‘This calls for a selfie!’ wasn’t Selfy’s catchphrase, used whenever he entered a room and at every conceivable opportunity afterwards.” –TheDiva

“Age is just a number, and let’s be honest: since our makeovers, who knows how old we are anyway. Six months ago I was 60-something and hallucinating faces in clouds, now my number starts with a 4 and I’m tipping the bagboy at the Savemart with glimpses of my hot new body.” –Litle Blue Bicycle

“Whoa there. Mary shouldn’t be picking at the Wilbur wound until Mary gets the Zak facts. Little brother is hot and daddy-o Wilbur is not. (That’s what hip hop sounds like at Charterstone.)” –Gabacho

“‘So it really is a lifesaver,’ she said, staring directly at Santa’s ass and wondering what other mysteries it might contain.” –Joe Blevins

“I would have gone with ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’. I also would have taped markers to a wombat’s feet to do the illustration.” –Kevin on Earth

“Fortunately, someone called an ambulance with their cellphone. Unfortunately, the paramedics were too busy watching YouTube on their cellphones to really do much. They did text the hospital to be ready, but the lady at reception was tweeting about the NES Classic Edition, so your daughter waited in the ambulance for 20 minutes upon arrival. Whoops, that’s my wife texting my cellphone. Hopefully she didn’t see those videos I left on her cellphone.” –Super Luigi 64

And I also must give thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• And if you haven’t bought my novel yet, you should! You can get it in hardback, paperback, or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

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