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Spider-Man, 10/25/16

Let’s be real, guys: the “relative strength of a spider” aspect of Spider-Man’s origin story has always been kinda dopey, right? I mean, there’s a whole bunch of inverse-square-law problems with this, which equally apply to Ant-Man, who was launched by Marvel Comics in 1962, just like Spider-Man. I guess it was a banner year for bug-men in the comics? Bug-men with bug-strength? Anyhoo, it’s nice to imagine that these costumed morons themselves have only the vaguest understanding of what their abilities really entail and how they work, so it’s very exciting to me to see Spider-Man declare that he can defeat a spider with his spider-strength, only for him to be immediately pinned by its monstrous spider-jaws (the relative jaws of a spider) and then killed by the actual spider’s deadly spider-venom (the relative venom of a spider, which you think would come in handy for a superhero, but no, just keep working that “strength” angle, guys).

Six Chix, 10/25/16

One of the more unsettling visual tropes that has been fully absorbed into the collective comics unconsciousness is “trees and fire hydrants are the equivalent of bathrooms to talking comic-strip dogs!” I feel like people love to play with the implications of this joke but lose touch with its origins which lie in the fact that dogs like to pee on said objects. This, I think, is the case here: probably the tire swing is just supposed to represent “what would a really tricked out tree look like,” but now I can’t stop thinking about how dogs maybe like to pee on tires? Or, like, through the hole in the middle of tires? Because they like the challenge, or something?

Dennis the Menace, 10/25/16

A year after the Great Agricultural Collapse, Alice and Henry are still gamely pushing forward, sculpting their daily ration of Nutrient Slurry into a cake-shaped pile in an attempt to remember what it used to be like in the Time of Plenty. Dennis is having none of it. Dennis’s refusal to keep a stiff upper lip in the endless dystopia is a genuine menace to humanity’s ability to cope.

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Hello everybody! I’m back, and want to say a huge thank you to Uncle Lumpy for pinch hitting and running the fundraiser, and to everyone who participated in said fundraiser, and to those who took the plunge on the Patreon, the latter of which will have some Interesting Benefits in coming months! I will be sending out a questionnaire this week to everyone who qualified for a tote bag finding out if you want said tote bag and if so where I should send it, so if you think you should’ve gotten one of those but don’t by the end of the week, please email me to let me know!

Meanwhile, I’ve crawled out of the smoldering crater where I spent the last week and am ready to bring you more comics joy!

Mary Worth, 10/24/16

If by “joy” you mean “dramatic older-lady-reading-the-newspaper-in-her-tastefully-appointed-condo-unit action,” which I certainly do, as I hope it’s obvious by now! Anyway, Tommy’s drug problems seem to have been solved by oppressive mothering and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, so now we’re beginning an exciting new story! Has Wilbur returned from his trip to harass the Japanese without informing Mary? How dare he? The upcoming pool party is going to be extremely icy.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/16

Welp, as predicted, Bull has been diagnosed with concussion-induced chronic traumatic encephalopathy. This prompted his abrupt retirement, which is ostensibly to enjoy spending some time with his remaining cognitive abilities, but also has the benefit of protecting his student-athletes from his intermittent rage attacks. Do you think the kids on the team have been told why their coach is leaving mid-season, or are they being kept in the dark so that they don’t all quit football forever en masse when confronted with visceral evidence of what it can do to the human brain?

Six Chix, 10/24/16

Wait, does … does the “cats have nine lives” thing only apply to cats owned by witches? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t only apply to cats owned by witches.

Dennis the Menace, 10/24/16

“His skin, so lifelike — his pose, so natural. Nobody would ever guess that he was taxidermied over a decade ago and placed in his favorite chair to terrify neighborhood children! I tell ya, Gina, this sort of craftsmanship is a dying art. I guarantee you we won’t look this good when it’s our time.”

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Judge Parker, 10/23/16

Godiva Danube (neé Brunhilde Akerman) burst upon our collective consciousness in April 2009 as movie star, equestrienne, wife of country-music legend Rocky Sledge, supporter of Our Brave Troops, and adoptive mother of six refugee children (all now playing nicely with the Thorp kids down at the bottom of the memory hole; don’t forget to toss in some Legos and string cheese as you pass by).

Today, with the Godiva-affiliate wing of the Spencer-Driver empire in literal collapse behind her, she wisely if callously cuts her losses, protects her #Brand, and Gets the Hell out of Dodge. Given the new author’s interest in paring down the cast of characters, this may be the last we’ll see of her. Farewell, Godiva, and thanks for all the cheesecake!

[Caution: video plays oom-pah music. Sincere apologies to Tom Jones.]

Mark Trail, 10/23/16

Heart-stopping killer eyeball plants – for those special times when parasitic flatworms aren’t creepy enough!

Mary Worth, (panels) 10/23/16

Through the dark times of addiction and even prison, you never, ever question your Worth — not if you know what’s good for you, buddy.

Well, my time here is up.

SO UNFAIR.

Josh will be back tomorrow — thanks for a lovely week!

–Uncle Lumpy