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Crankshaft, 2/14/16

Here’s today’s Crankshaft! It’s about a mom who thinks her son accidentally sending her a message of romantic love intended for a woman she’s never heard of is “just as good” as him sending her a message of her own on purpose.

Momma, 2/14/16

Here’s today’s Momma! It’s about a son who seems to loathe his mother and yet can’t stay apart from her, delivering a her a bouquet of flowers and declaring her his “best girl” in the privacy of his own thoughts, before scooting off to a date with some woman whose name we’ll never hear again. Look, he’s literally quivering with mingled eroticism and terror in the second panel!

Beetle Bailey, 2/14/16

Here’s today’s Beetle Bailey! It’s about Plato using the power of his very persuasive mind to convince his friend to go to sleep under a blanket of numbing snow, until he slips away into unconsciousness and then death without feeling any pain! You might think this is a little grim, but at least it’s not a Valentine Day strip about a dude’s relationship wth his mom.

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Six Chix and Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/13/16

My main source of info on the aesthetics of diamonds is my wife, who thinks standard diamonds are pretty but not worth the cost and chocolate diamonds are gross. But tastes vary! Still, I’m not really sure what the thrust of the joke in today’s Six Chix is supposed to be. I’m assuming Newly Engaged Lady can’t just be straightforwardly praising her fiance’s choice, as the strip would then lack a “joke” per se. Does she like “chocolate” diamonds because it’s like chocolate the candy and … ladies … be … eating chocolate? Like beloved cartoon character Cathy? Ack? Is this meant to be a commentary on the successful marketing of chocolate diamonds, historically just called brown diamonds and used mostly for industrial purposes, as a newly hip decorative gemstone? Whatever the case, today’s Barney Google and Snuffy Smith cuts through the various layers of meaning encoded the modern tradition of the engagement ring. Our modern, post-industrial society can afford to create abstract signifiers that participate in the ritual of creating a family bond; in impoverished Hootin’ Holler, the residents are closer to the base of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and they know what a bride wants is agricultural land, and lots of it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/13/16

[stocks of Abbot, Nestle, and other infant formula manufacturers skyrocket as terrified mothers abandon breast-feeding]

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Want a good laugh? Read this week’s top comment. It’s very funny:

“Don’t feel sad, Boog, some day you and the bear will meet again in Heaven [pause, looks at Boog’s soulless eyes] …never mind.” –Droopy Says

Oh, man, you know what else is funny, though? The runners up:

“It’s kind of sad that Ol’ Snort’s story is about to end with him and his children getting shot and eaten, but history belongs to the winners.” –BigTed

“To us, the Perfesser is just making a slightly sexist judgement on a woman’s body. To the sentient birds in this strip, however, I think he just used a highly offensive racial slur. For once, the google eyes of horror seem completely justified.” –pugfuggly

“I’ve studdied that Blondie for a good few minutes, and the best explanation I can come up with is that Elmo is actually an undercover agent desperately repeating his codewords in the hopes of finding his handler. ‘Ol’ Stork Baby! Detention is in the gym! Please, someone acknowledge me, I need to get rid of all this classified microfiche!'” –Schroduck

“Poor Elmo, detention is really going to cut into his afterschool play dates with with an adult man to whom he’s not related.” –Chyron HR

Spider-Man: “Sure, Namor, you fucking hypocrite. All ‘Don’t pollute my oceans but don’t mind me while I fuck up your atmosphere with my bourgeois flying jet-submarine. Ta ta! I’ll be back to bone your young women soon.’ Good riddance, asshole.” –Mikey

“Look at that poor, beat-down plugger chicken-lady. You know she’s only got one thing on her to-do list — get a new husband — and yet again the year will go by with that item not crossed off. Watch your back, Funky Winkerbean, because Pluggers is kicking the despair game up the notch.” –Voshkod

“Pretty sure the editor added that cup to Olive’s hand so she wouldn’t be making a jerk-off motion.” –Dan

“In both panels, she’s been hypnotized by the animals to do their bidding. There is no version of this in which the man doesn’t die from scissor wounds.” –rbmalpha

“Who’s that standing with [name every character one by one for anyone who hasn’t been paying attention for the past sixty years]?” –Chris Rywalt, on Twitter

“To heck with these fancy schmantsy coal-fired or wood-fired oven pizza joints, with their high-falutin’ airs and high prices! Pizza Hovel’s ovens are garbage fired, and they pass the savings on to you!” –Nehemiah Scudder

“Wait, Alex, Blondie, Cookie, Dagwood? Finally, I have a mnemonic to help me remember how the alphabet starts.” –Irrischano

“…from the docks, struggling to keep my eyes open, this is Astound-o the Magician. Back to you, Ron and Deena.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Less self-control? Like … people who hurl cups of steaming hot chocolate at boring old women when they start to spout meaningless platitudes? Would we be better off if more people has less self-control, like that? Let’s see!” –seismic-2

“Mary’s been in New York too long. She’s already blasé about a dude getting mugged by a ghost.” –Doctor Handsome

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