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Mary Worth, 6/14/16

Hey, quick question: are these girls who were mean to Dawn supposed to be the same girls who later took in a non-specific Jennifer Lawrence film with her? Anyway, either way, you’d think Dawn would’ve noticed that they’d stopped harassing her by now. “Maybe their bullying and criticism was just to get a reaction out of me! Fortunately God hardened my heart, just like He did Pharaoh’s. No act of human cruelty or kindness can touch me now!”

Beetle Bailey, 6/14/16

“I want you to tell the men how important their training is. Their army training. It may save their lives! Because there are wars! So many wars! And the army fights in wars! Why … why didn’t anyone tell me this before now?”

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Mark Trail, 6/13/16

Our long national cave-nightmare may finally be over: Mark, Gabe, and Carina have found what appears to be an underwater passage out, and Mark is going to attempt to swim to daylight, and then come back, somehow. If he doesn’t come back, well, he can’t tell them what choices to make. Should they draw straws to see who gets eaten during the inevitable turn to cannibalism? Should they live in the cave forever, eventually breeding a race of blind, cave-adapted mole-people? Mark is not here to judge. Mark knows they have to do what’s right for them, alone in that cave.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/13/16

Well, it seems that this was a way for the cast and crew of the current Starbuck Jones reboot to assemble all the old men who used to be fanboys back in the day, to attempt to cheer up bitter old former Starbuck Jones actor Cliff Anger (and also presumably build positive media buzz and word of mouth for said reboot among said fanboys). Cliff was briefly thrilled, but it’s good to see that when faced with actual people who enjoyed his work, he’s retreating back into heavy-lidded contempt.

Dennis the Menace, 6/13/16

How much do I love the expression on Henry’s face here? “That’s … that’s what you’ve got? That’s the most menacing thing you have to say to me this morning? Christ, it’s gonna be a long week.”

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/12/16

Guys, I spent a lot more time than I’m comfortable with trying to figure out what exactly in God’s name is going on here. It took me a while to make the leap from the anti-union propaganda in the throwaway panels to the Clampetts, who I had forgotten were the titular oil-rich Beverly Hillbillies. While I’ve never actually seen an episode of the show (side note: there are 274 of them), I understand from the theme song lyrics that Jed Clampett became a petro-millionaire after he stumbled upon oil seeping out of the ground while he was “shootin’ at some food.” Snuffy and Lukey seem to be engaged in some cargo cult oil exploration, unaware that the mineral rights to everything under Hootin’ Holler were sold to a Halliburton subsidiary years ago.

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/12/16

I take it back, OK? I take back what I said about the new writer stopping the nonstop flow of cash into the Morgans’ bank accounts/sock drawers/comical burlap sacks with dollar signs on the side of them. That kind of thing does happen (to the Morgans), and it’s going to keep on happening, forever.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/12/16

Check it out: Shady’s down there looking for his lost jewels without the fancy underwater breathing apparatus Slylock and Max have. That’s why he always stays one step ahead, even when they foil his plots: he works harder and does more with less. You’ll never take him alive, coppers! Probably because he’s about to drown.