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Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 3/24/16

Unlike what appears to be a surprising number of you, I don’t care much about the weird chronological disconnect between Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft, where both strips take place in the present (as near as can be determined by technological and social details) and yet Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years after Crankshaft. I really don’t care at all! It’s just Comic Book Time, y’all, and unless you’re dealing with For Better or for Worse or Doonesbury, you just accept that the characters all stay the same age more or less while the universe ages around them. The Funkyverse seems to want its readers to care about the discontinuity, though, which is strange because literally the only forms of “caring” anyone could have about this are “confusion” and “irritation”; still, what other explanation is there for the slo-mo crossover details that would only be of interest to Funkyverse obsessives? Like those twin girls who recently surfaced in Funky Winkerbean as teens are now back in Crankshaft, teasing us with potential clues about their birthdate! (Jokes on you, nerds: October 1995 is before they were born whether Crankshaft takes place in 2016 or 2006.) Meanwhile, in Funky Winkerbean, the gang is visiting the Valentine, presumably to show us that Max and his girlfriend have managed to run it for a decade without going bankrupt. I guess that’s supposed to be Max? Or some other bearded dude? At least he’s making a dumb play on words based on a phrase nobody ever uses. At least something makes sense.

Mary Worth, 3/24/16

Is there a phrase more emblematic of Mary Worth’s ethos than “Mary explains what Dawn is feeling”? Anyway, now that Mary has successfully annihilated Dawn’s emotional autonomy, she’ll be ready to force her puppet to make a “bolder personal effort” for “in-person connecting,” which probably will entail an assassination attempt on a senator or businessman opposed to Mary’s interests.

Crock, 3/24/16

Normally I would just pass over this incomprehensible punchline like so many others in Crock, but the title character’s knowing glance in the final panel is really forcing me to dwell on it. “Eh? Hairy backs? Get it? His back? It’s hairy?”

Herb and Jamaal, 3/24/16

You know those Slylock Fox puzzles where the solution revolves around someone making a technically true but misleading statement to beat a lie detector test? This reminds me of a particularly pathetic version of that. “Heh heh,” thinks Herb smugly in the final panel. “I sure gave her a piece of my mind, in a way that guarantees that she’ll never notice! That’ll show her!”

Judge Parker, 3/24/16

WOW, when is BIG GOVERNMENT going to get OFF THE BACKS of JOB CREATORS who want to MAKE THINGS IN AMERICA by HIRING OLD PEOPLE and NOT PAYING THEM ANY BENEFITS because they’re ALREADY ON MEDICARE AND SOCIAL SECURITY????? Man, whichever local state legislator had his or her last campaign entirely financed by the Spencer-Driver SuperPAC is going to hear about this.

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Hagar the Horrible, 3/23/16

When Christianity came to Scandinavia, it started at the top, with kings converting to better connect them to royalty in the rest of Europe, and then nobility to curry favor with the kings. Here we see a rather late stage in the process: the minor local barons who still lead the raids across the North Sea are Christians, at least nominally enough to start using a new vocabulary. But the ordinary men who they hope to lead into battle still yearn for entrance into Valhalla, the warrior’s afterlife. The thought that now they have to make themselves right with the pacifist son of the God of the southerners rightly throws them into turmoil, and at just the wrong time, too.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/23/16

I think it’s worth remembering, in between all the antics, how (intentionally? I think?) depressing this “Milton is sliding into dementia!” storyline is! Remember when Milton was a huge dick to everyone and it was because he was terrified of losing his mind? Remember when Heather said “I am not unhappy! And you don’t have Alzheimer’s Disease until Rex says you do!” WELP, check out her facial expression in panel two here! Enh, don’t worry too much, Heather, dementia isn’t why your husband can’t remember your best friend’s name; he was just given a list of professions in order of status when he arrived at Eton, and “nurse” is way below the “you need to remember their names” line. (“Nanny” is too, but there’s a well understood “you’ve had sex with them at least three times” exception.)

Dennis the Menace, 3/23/16

This is a weirdly formal setting for Dennis to deliver one of his trademark reminders of why you should never say anything bad about anyone when he’s in earshot. With his parents standing meekly to one side while Dennis squares off directly with this captain of industry, it looks as if Henry has dragged his son to the office to demand a raise because he’s too afraid to do so himself. Or maybe the boss has demanded to see this menacing child that Henry always talks about in hushed, terrified tones? “You’ve got moxie, kid, I’ll give you that. Let’s start you in sales, with a base salary of, say, 15% more than what I give your pathetic wimp of a father?”

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Shoe, 3/22/16

I’m not a fan of either playing or watching golf, but after reading this article, I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that what most people think of the particular artificial landscape created for golf courses is actually an attempt to reproduce the natural environment of coastal Scotland where the game was invented in the 1400s. You can see another strange echo of the now worldwide game’s connection to a particular place in today’s Shoe, in which a bird-woman is wearing a tam o’shanter. This is, I suppose, to provide a setup for the feint that produces the strip’s punchline. Did she purchase this faintly absurd hat, which Americans probably primarily think of as a goofy thing you wear ironically while playing golf, as a part of her decision to try to share her husband’s passion for the game? No. Her marriage is a nightmare nest of suspicions and deceit, but the hat is unrelated to any of that, and we’ll probably never know why she’s wearing it. Its inherent whimsy now merely serves as a sad counterpoint to the bird-woman’s depressing home life.

Dennis the Menace, 3/22/16

To maintain some poor soul in a rapidly decaying flesh-prison, to create a ghastly living portrait of Dorian Gray, in order to grant yourself an ageless existence as a sinister, eternal child — I would be hard pressed to imagine something more menacing than that. “Please, you’ve got to believe me!” Mr. Wilson gasps, smelling the stench of decay arising from his own flesh. “I’ve been bewitched by his foul magic! I’m only 35 years old!”

Plugger, 3/22/16

You’re a plugger if the only thing in your sad, plodding existence that can inspire you to muster up any sense of occasion or formality is when someone dies.